Sunday, October 09, 2005

Casting Off Minutia, Praying for Path

It's fall again and I have fallen into old ruts. I have taken on tasks and responsibilities that have become so encumbersome that I am nearly at a standstill. It is once again time to sort through the minutia and recover the now obscured meaning in my life.

My first castoff will be my position at MVAS. It remains unclear to me how I became so entangled in something I am so inept at and uninterested in. It started as a means to socialize my son who has autism and spiraled into a job with no pay.

I will take up yoga and running again. They bring clarity to my mind. Through the silence they bring I will hear God's answer to my constant question "Which path?"

I will nurture my art. I am ready to paint now, the fear has subsided. There is no failure after all, just a learning curve. I will teach my hands to interperet what my heart sees. Paint and paint brushes are just another medium, just another tool I can learn to use.

My job! What will I do about my job? I am very good at what I do. For the past 12 years it has brought fulfillment and a sense accomplishment. But it feels empty now. I find myself wondering if it is still who I am or if it is now just what I do. Which Path? Please show me the path!

My son will graduate this spring and most likely move on to his own life without me. There will be nothing binding me to yesterday's truths. I will be free to experience tomorrow's adventures. No pressing committments, no all comsuming responsibilities. Where do I go from here? Which Path?

It is quiet now, and peaceful. The fall comes with rain. Old leaves are cast off so that new leaves may come in the spring. The winter between brings with it a search for a new path.


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