Thursday, July 27, 2006

This, too, shall pass.

Thank you Jim. Your words mean a lot to me. I know that this too will pass, I just wish it would pass more quickly. Today is a better day. My heart is not so heavy and I can see hope. I am not crying today, yet I do still feel anxiety from time to time. I am clear headed, so now is a great time to write down the logical side of this break-up so I can refer back to it on the bad days, as bad days have a way of popping in from time to time.

It is a list of the pros and cons of Dale.

I miss him.
I don’t miss him as much as I missed me when I was with him.
I really miss climbing.
I can find another climbing partner, and probably one who won’t expect me to help him/her put up new routes.
I love him.
I loved what he made me believe he was. That person doesn’t not exist. That person lived only in my mind. Who am I kidding? I didn’t love him, I lusted for him. There is a difference. I could already see things that I knew would bother me in the worst ways once I grew used to him. And love has to be a two way street. How can I love someone who doesn’t love me for me. As long as I “behaved myself” I was wonderful. But as soon as I “acted up” I bummed him out and he didn’t know how much more “we” could take.
I am lonely without him.
I would have been lonely without hope if I had stayed with him and married him.
He could be so kind and generous to me.
He could be cruel and hateful. It would have become so much worse as time went on. No addict can avoid causing pain to the most important people in their lives. And oh, did he have a mean streak.
He was a warm lover.
When he could love me. And he was also a little on the boring side.
I loved his friends.
He hated my son.
I really miss climbing.
I already said that. Hey, there are other climbers around here. Find them.
I don’t want to lose the conditioning that was happening with my body.
Then don’t. Get out there and move. You know how to do this.

Ok, so there aren’t any good reasons to miss this relationship. Right now, I can’t even think of one reason why I should even miss him. It must be another brain thing - you know - caught in a feedback loop. So let’s reboot.

Why should I be relieved? So many reasons - many already mentioned. And I will have time to finish my paintings, and start some new ones. I can watch my favorite tv shows. I can start my novel now. And now, thanks to Dale, I know what happens that puts Beth on that ledge, and I will have some good ideas for getter her off of it.

I have my life back. I have me back. I am alone again, but that’s not new. If I am going to find someone to spend my life with I have to actually live my life. So I will live it. Which means I will continue to put myself out there and make mistakes. Some will be small, but some will be huge, and will hurt like hell. But I will make them and I will learn from them.

Eventually, I will get it right.


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