Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Have You Seen My Friend's Friend?

Once in a while I look on myself and wonder: Why do I do the things I do sometimes, and why do I feel this way about it? I guess I’ve spent too many years considering what is best for others over what is best for me. It’s not hard to see what events led me to this place, and I know there really is no point in criticizing my actions so severely.

I ingratiated myself to someone I used to think of as a friend so that I wouldn’t have to drive home on Monday nights. I have stayed there three times now. I’ve always know of her alcoholism, but never felt terribly affected by it. Until now.

On the three nights I’ve stayed, very little sleep was afforded me due to the late night rants about how horrible her life is. And yet, there still is a huge part of her that would still like to see me as inferior and worse off. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been that. As a matter of fact, the most self depreciating I’ve been in regard to her, is standing by her through thick and thin, even though she offers little respect for me in return.

I guess that’s why I used to think of her as a friend. At some point, I figured out that all I ever was to her was someone to look down on and feel sorry for. That way, she could feel better about herself. Most people do that, it’s called downward social comparison, and it apparently works well at helping people feel better about themselves. I think it’s insincere and cruel, but that’s me.

Last night I got out of class just before 9:00. I couldn’t do it. I drove all the way home, and was still in bed and asleep before I would have been if I’d stayed there. I felt guilty though. She’s depressed, her life is falling apart, and she needs someone to cry to. I couldn’t do it last night. I wish I could stop feeling guilty about it. There are only two more night classes left this semester that are followed by early morning classes. I don’t think I’ll stay again. I don’t want to feel guilty about it. Physician, heal thyself!

I took an ab-psy test this morning. I was tired, even though I slept well. I may have been tired because I slept well. I took the test, and a few questions into it I decided I didn’t know any of it. I didn’t care. I took the test, and relied on my smarts, not my memorizing skills. We’ll see Thursday how it went. I’m still not caring, but tomorrow is another day!

After classes, I participated in a memory study. I volunteered to be their guinea pig for 4 credits. It was fun, but very taxing.

I was stressed about some of the new stuff we’re learning in stats. I don’t know why, people were freaking out about an assignment I thought was easy. What will they do when they get to this more confusing stuff?

The girl that flunked out of math 108 four times didn’t have any homework to hand in today. Why do you suppose she flunked out of math 108? Hmmmmm. (I’m evil) (and I’m done)


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