Tuesday, May 15, 2007


AAAAAA-It’s final! I have a new set of A’s to add to my collection. Ok, so one is an A- (in Stats of course), but I’ll take it, because it’s better than the B+ she could have given me.

It’s a great way to start out, a reminder of who I have come to be and not who I thought I was. I graduated from high school with under a 2.0 gpa. I thought that was all I was capable of, I’d been told as much my whole life. But now that I know better, I can do better.

I have already started summer school classes. I already feel overwhelmed, probably because finals week drained me, but I’m really kind of excited about it. I am in a basic statistics class that is a lot like intro, so I hope to do well, should I ever catch up on sleep.

The great news is the pseudo psych class is going to be a great adjustment for me. I’ve been reading the blogs of self-called skeptics who are also atheists. They have the ability to really bring me down sometimes, but apparently, being a skeptic doesn’t necessarily mean not believing in spirit.

You see, I’ve been in this place for most of my life. As a matter of fact, that is what this blog is about, trying to figure out what this place actually is. I don’t think I’m really going to get any closer to it either, and that actually brings me comfort right now.

How can the idea of not getting closer to figuring out where I am be comforting? Here it is. I don’t believe in the god of any of the major religions. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a need for meaning in my life. I have wandered from one place to another my whole life, and usually find myself closer to despair after each journey.

I can truly entertain the idea that all we are is what we see. I often visit that place on the freeway, thinking about all of the people in those cars, traveling from one place to another with determination. But what if there is no meaning? What if we are just like the housefly that travels in seemingly random circles and zig zags? What if everything we do in this life is a lie? What if it means nothing? What if this really is all we get and not one thing more?

It’s not a good place for me to visit. I have suffered much pain in this life, and if there is no real meaning or destination for me, then all hope is lost, and there is no reason to carry on. If this really is all there is, my presence matters very little. If this really is all there is, my absence matters not. My arrival deserves no celebration, my passing needs no sorrow. Nothing is lost.

But what if there is more? What if there is some greater purpose? What if my life truly has meaning for me, not just now, but forever? What if I am destined to make a difference? What if my future holds more than my past? What if my past was a map to my future? If there is meaning to my life, my presence is all that matters. If there is more to my life, my passing would be tragic. If my existence has meaning, my arrival should be celebrated, as all things are possible. If my existence has significance, my passing should be grieved, as all would be lost.

I guess what I am saying is, I should live this life as though there is a greater good. I should proceed as though I have a destiny to fulfill. I have nothing to lose, really. There is a possibility that all I will see in my future is pain and failure. Maybe I’ll get to know what it’s like to wake up someday, and be glad for it. I may never know the truth of my existence. I brings me comfort to be in a place where I don’t know, because the truth may mean my end.

I need to believe there is a higher purpose. Some days, it is the only thing that keeps me alive.


  1. Congratulations on the A's! I hope you're still planning to write about what you learned last semester. I'm intrigued!

  2. I just read the rest of this entry... I am quite positive that you have a higher purpose. Higher purposes must be sought -- they rarely just happen to you!! You already have children, so that you will echo into the future. What you teach them, they will teach to their children. I hope that I teach my students more than just a subject. Since I have no children, it is the only way that I can echo into the future.

  3. Thank you! I worked really hard for those As. I just found out yesterday I'm a geek because I actually LIKE to go to class.

    This post was a little dark. I was writing it at my daughters while really trying hard to stay awake. I have been completely exhausted all week. I do feel better today.

    As for my higher purpose: I realize what I teach my children will be sent into the future. I need to have more now, because they are no longer children. I know my children have meaning, and they know they have meaning. I just need to find a meaning and a purpose of my very own. It's a selfish endevor, but one that makes me breathe.