Turmoil

I sensed it first thing this morning: nothing about this day was to be easy. I was not disappointed. Of course I wasn‘t! I created the obstacles in my path. I churned the waters with my contempt. I nurtured my discontent.

I had a notion in the back of my mind to be the observer today. I should accept this day and all that comes with it unconditionally. But some hidden anger wouldn’t have it. A feeling of disgust grows in my chest. I have projected this anger onto an innocent, a woman who has never done anything to intentionally hurt me. In fact, she has done everything in her power to empower me.

I am so confused. Why her? I know that she is not dismissing me, she is fighting not to be dismissed by me. Something is horribly wrong, a cancer I cannot see. I fear that if I do not find it soon, it will irrevocably harm someone I care deeply about. I must meditate on this. I must find the source of this anger. I know that all anger originates from pain. What pain? But that's wrong, isn't it. Anger originates from fear, as does pain. Fear.

Maybe it’s not her, maybe it’s the job. I have been doing this for 11 years now. There have been times when it brought me great joy and fulfillment, but, now, I don’t know anymore. Once again, I let fear hold me back. I'm afraid to find out what else is out there for me. Afraid of failure!

I have been reading a blog over the past several days. She writes a lot about fear and how she escapes it. I, too, am very good at escaping my fear. I don’t run, but I don’t stand and fight either. Instead, I become still, and quiet, and hide. I become so paralyzed by the fear that I can do absolutely nothing. A coward at times, that’s what I am.

I am too old to still be playing this game. What in the hell am I so afraid of? There is no pain I cannot endure, no pleasure I have no right to experience. The echoes from my past are in my past. They did not destroy me then, they cannot harm me now. Only my inaction can hurt me now. Only I can stop me, and only I can move me forward.

It shouldn’t be this hard. Just because I have a thick head doesn’t mean I should continue to bash it into every wall I come upon. After all, walls can be climbed, or I can walk around it! Aaargh!

The path has been laid before me. It is the one with the obstacles in it. It is the one that is interesting and challenging. One that will bring me the most enlightenment in the end. I am guilty of waiting for life to happen to me. I see an open door, but I do not enter until someone grabs my and hauls me in.

My children take life by the horns and wrestle it. I’m not saying that is the right way either. They are both so afraid there won’t be enough time that they forget to really enjoy the moment. Someday they will. They both recognize that there is time. They just need to learn some patience. Patience, not paralysis.

All things need balance. I must find my courage. Though I am terrified, I must step into my life. Yes, with baby steps. I do not have to run a marathon tomorrow. I need to start with the shorter distances, then work my way up.

I just takes persistence. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I guess. I hope.