Friday, January 13, 2006

Hide and Seek

I know what it is like to not have a self. For most of my life I had no ego to call home. My name was uttered with no reverence or meaning. I was laughed at, spit on, and beaten. A silent darkness washed over my coagulating life. I stood too long in the thick black mud of rejection and my feet sank deep into it’s pain. Humiliation crept up my legs and fear gripped my heart. I was so tortured by loneliness that I nearly vanquished in its void.

But something unexpected took hold. The bright sun thawed my eyes and I began to see. A new me was beginning to unfold. My self worth blossomed. The breezes of spring tickled my tongue, and then, with no doubt, I said my name. Cheri. I shouted it out into the infinite! Cheri! When it echoed back, I knew I was valued. Cheri! I am loved and accepted, unconditionally. By me. I am Cheri.

There is so much joy in finding one’s self. A sweet peace washes over you when you finally realize that you are loved and accepted unconditionally. By you. I came to that place where I knew how to love and accept myself. That is how I found Cheri. It was the discovery of me.

Sometimes a cold wind howls, and a dark cloud obscures the sun. Still, my first reaction is to hide. I know the cold lurks just beyond. I must hide. A thick black mud patiently waits to engulf me. I hide. I close my eyes. I hide. I pray for guidance. And hide. I know not who I pray to, but I have faith they listen. While I hide. And then, just as suddenly as the storm came, I push it away. I find me hiding and hold my hiding face in my seeking hands. My seeking eyes look deep into my hiding eyes. I remember I have value and am accepted, unconditionally. Whether I’m lost or found. Whether I seek or hide. I am! I feel joy - again. I am at peace - again.

Perhaps it’s because there is so much joy in the discovery and rediscovering. Retreating and seeking becomes a theme to a life. Today, my seeking hands hold my hiding face. Today, my seeking eyes look deep into my hiding eyes. Today, I remember! I have worth! I am unconditionally loved and accepted. By me. I am Cheri!

Today, I express my gratitude with sweat, and paint.


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