Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Sweet Release

Is it because I can be so stubborn and thick headed? Or do most people fall into answers and wonder why they didn’t see it before? I remember trying to learn algebra in school. Ooh, how sad it was for me that I just didn’t get it! If x=5 in problem number 1, why doesn’t x=5 in problem number 7? It’s like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that surely has to go up here in the sky, but 3 fitful days later (an exaggeration!) fits magically in the water below! How did I miss that? My geometry teacher had an especially unique way of making those pieces fit, an incredible way of teaching the big picture in all its beautiful color. He was so amazing I decided to go for Algebra II the very next year. My algebra II teacher couldn’t figure out why I would have so much trouble seeing that this shape obviously fits in this spot, and wondered why I was so fixated on the color! I flunked out in a record 2 weeks.

Although there have been iffy times, I have not yet flunked out of life. That said, I sure do take a long time seeing what is right in front of my face. I need, and am grateful for, the help of any who are seeing with fresh eyes. The perplexed expressions, rolling eyes, and exasperated sighs I could do without, however.

I really couldn’t get through stripping the gurus, but I did read enough to realize that I have managed to keep myself imprisoned for most of my life. Now that I see my release in the near future, I freak out and try to find another jailor. I convince myself that, if I can’t find a man to fill my life, I will wilt away into nothing. So of course I become fixated on men who will keep me imprisoned in the way I have become so familiar with. Men who really don’t have time for me, but would sure like to have a little fun, and hey, how are you at babysitting?

I have been spending a lot of time sleeping this winter. Yes, instead of fighting it, I am flowing with it. It is much easier and lots more relaxing. Is it an excuse? Maybe I just need to bide my time and stay out of trouble until my release. It is kind of scary to think about how I will really have no ties to anything anymore. How will I keep myself from floating away into nothingness? Not with a new prison. That’s the secret, no new prison terms.

I know this feeling. I have felt this before! As a child, I waited all Christmas eve to see what Santa brought for Christmas. As a student in May, I dreamt of long hot afternoons filled with running and swimming and fishing. The anticipation I felt as a 17 1/2 year old for that magic day I would become an adult! That undeniable urge to skip the long dragging hours, weeks, months that separate me from gratification!

It’s not a time to become paralyzed into a 5 month sleep, but it is not a time to make long term commitments either. No hot romances that lead to permanency, no long term financial contracts, not even a new puppy should be considered. Just spend the time tying up loose ends and contemplating the endless possibilities.

Oh, and a little painting would be nice, miss scaredy cat! And some real running wouldn’t kill you you know! Yes, the weather turned real bad the first half of December, but the ice is thawed. Yes, it rained nearly continuously through Christmas break, but only nearly. And now you skip another yoga class for no good reason. Common, let’s go for a run tomorrow! Let’s finish some paintings and begin some ones.

And sleep.


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