Monday, December 19, 2005


Synchronicity is an amazing thing. A little over a year ago, I realized a song I had been listening to for many years was actually a prayer. “I want to know what Love is”. I sang it over and over with every emotion in my being. I thought surely I would find Mr. Right at the end, and what I found was me and being. Because I believed that Mr. Right was the goal, I researched death and how differently it is viewed from one culture to another - a challenge to the object of my infatuation.

I stumbled upon the Near Death Experience site and realized some things I hadn’t thought of before. There is no heaven or hell after death, there is only being one with all that is. Life, they say, is like that of a drop of water which forms from the evaporation above the vast ocean, falls to the earth below, and sets out on a grand journey back to the ocean from whence it came. Sometimes the journey is treacherous, sometimes calm, but never for naught. It can last a long time, or just long enough to fall back into the ocean. It is a journey that can be repeated many times, in many ways.

I ruminated on this for some time. This notion brought a great deal of peace and tranquility to my soul. All water is equal. No water has more importance than another drop of water. All are useful and nurturing. No water drop has more knowledge than any other water drop. No water drop has power greater than any other water drop.

We are those drops of water. We don’t know our purpose now, but we can have peace in knowing we will experience what we should along our journey. We can have peace in knowing we will return to the whole. We can stop trying to control everything around us and just enjoy our journey.

So then I decided to start this blog. I decided I should journalize my travels now that I have a better idea of where I’m going. I played around and checked out other blogs for ideas and inspiration. I came upon a group of bloggers who sounded as though they might be in the same stream I am in. They were a group of people who feel they are enlightened and awake. I have no doubt that they are exactly where they are supposed to be and know exactly what they need to know. I have no doubt that they wish everyone well and truly believe they can show others the best path to the ocean.

What I have learned is that they don’t know which path I must follow on my journey. At the end of my journey I will once again be reunited with the whole, and will lavish in giving up ego. My experiences will dissolve and become the whole, as will I. It won’t be painful, it won’t take any deep delving into who I am, and I won’t be afraid. For now I will enjoy the ego that makes me an individual for as long as I am allowed to.

But I am lonely in this stream. I do not know if I am following this path alone, but, I would really like to share the joy of the journey with others who are with me . Not to teach, or control, just share.
I suppose in many ways I already do that. Many of the people who are in my life see things the way I do in many ways, but not all. Maybe that is the point, though. Maybe we are all truly alone on this journey. Maybe I am supposed to be alone on this journey. Sometimes it is difficult to know which voice to listen to in a group, but alone there is never any question. When I’m alone I don’t feel the need to control anything. I am happy just to be.

Control is difficult. My main goal for years now is to be unconditionally accepting, that means giving up any illusions that I have power to produce the outcome. I was recently called a narcissistic control freak by Eddie Traversa, one who is awake. It was upsetting to have someone call me that, even though I knew he couldn‘t possibly know one way or another. Then I read a chapter of the new book called Stripping the Gurus by Geoffrey Falk. It was quite an eye opener.

I think Mr. Falk has answered my unasked questions about control. As I read the chapter, I kept hearing the words of Eddie ringing over and over. Synchronicity swirling and flowing through every fiber. Now I truly understand that verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual and physical abuse all occur because of one person’s need to control another. Telling someone they are not spiritually an equal is a way of telling people their morals are lacking, that the do not have God‘s favor, or that they have no value. These forms of abuse towards each other are the means of imprisoning everyone in our realm. And we learn these attitudes and behaviors from those who have abused us.

I can’t get over how much better I understand my mother and why she really did the things she did. She never actually thought my sister and I had no value, but she had to treat us that way in order to control us. My sister and I turned on each other, just like the prisoners in the study. I remember thinking my sister was sooooo stupid at one point because she didn’t play my mother’s game right, and got into a lot of trouble for it. What an eye opener.

Luckily, I could see how much pain my mother was in, and that I didn’t want to ever treat anyone the way she treated me. As soon as became pregnant with my daughter I began to have out of body experiences when I was out of control with rage at not being able to control someone or something else. It has been slow going, and very difficult. I don’t know how I made it out, I really don’t. But here I am today, seeing things differently than I have ever seen them, differently than most of the people I am in contact with each day.

I don’t feel that I got here because of the abuse, either. Both of my siblings continue to suffer, using that pain as a springboard to control their children much they way they were controlled. I really feel that I am here in spite of it. I survived, even when I really wanted to quit, I kept trudging on. And here I am.

I don’t know what adventures await me on this journey. I don’t know if I will experience them alone, or find someone to share them with. What is to be will be. I do not control the path, nor do I wish to. I am happy just being.


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