Tuesday, June 13, 2006

To: The Universe CC: Cheri

How do I tell you? What can I say? I’m sure the fact that I omitted my fear from our discussions is a clear indication that I see clearly the problem at hand. I closed my eyes and wished it away, but it remained.

It was just a familiar twinge at first. How quick I was to explain it away. How quick to judge me irrational. But I am not irrational. I am not wrong here, no matter how much I might wish it.

Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I think I have truly seen it, as it comes from me. I have felt a great love for someone, not because they were perfect, or because I could see the good in spite of the bad. The imperfections are a part of what is lovable, a part to be adored and respected. But only as long as they don’t destroy me.

I worked so hard for so long to find me. My name is a gift from you, a constant reminder of my validity. I am valuable and loveable just as I am. I do not have to change me to be loved. I would rather lose the love of another than to lose me.

It’s not just a bump in the road, not just a rough patch to work through. This is survival. It would make me so sad to have to say goodbye, but, it would be utterly tragic to abandon me.

Maybe I don’t have to choose. I understand that most people don’t understand what it is to love unconditionally. Can I love me enough to stay strong in the storm? I don’t want to go down with the ship, I don’t want the ship to go down at all. Maybe It’s time to learn to sail. Batten down the hatches and seek the inner solace and guidance you give me in abundance.

I can love another’s inability to love me perfectly right now. Just because there is a lack of understanding doesn’t mean there is an inability to learn. “I’m really trying. I don’t always know what I’m feeling, but I’m really trying!” Isn’t that all it takes? A desire to succeed goes a very long way.

I now stand naked before you. I cannot see the end, nor do I wish to. It is the journey, the process that matters. Is it really as simple as holding on to me? Is that the true test of unconditional love? Loving me while loving another?


1 comment:

  1. All I can say is that I hope he expressed that feeling in a more caring, careful, sensitive way than I did some time back. I may have, in fact, irreparably damaged my relationship because I let my mouth run without first engaging my brain.
    Only time will tell, Cheri. Hang in there.