Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Lost on Cache Peak

Seven Vultures
Pretty Purple Pine Buds
I made it to the top!
Cache Peak

Lost. I feel lost. I guess that is what happens when one goes so fast for so long without stopping to look at the journey’s path or the current moment of existence. Filling life with strenuous, non-stop activities is a great way to shut out the voices inside.

I climbed a mountain this past week! This should have been a great spiritual exercise, and would have been but for the sheer exhaustion I was already feeling before I even started the journey! I can’t say I was fully involved. I wish I could say I had a lot of fun. I wish I could say I feel stronger and better for it. All I feel is tired, sore and lost.

This will pass. I need to make myself revert back to the stone ages, when people wrote their thoughts on paper. Writing helps so much in processing the events and storing them in the places they should be. It calms me in ways I cannot express. How cool would it be to have a lap top to take with me?
Another wish to put in my box.

Tuesday we hiked out to Bracksiecks pillar to climb with Steph and Dottie. It was a pleasant sort of morning, hot, but not too hot. Steph and Dottie were already tired from the previous day’s activities. I was already tired from the previous two weeks of activity. As we walked, we passed a section of fence where seven vultures were perched. We all commented on how unusual this was, but none of us wanted to articulate how ominous.

The day was fun, but there was such a cloud hanging over us. It was Stephs last day here, and she was feeling kind of gloomy. We had a 4th of July party at the tipi. We got rained on a lot, but Dale had brought salmon and steaks and they were fabulous. We said our goodbyes.

Next morning Dale and I set out on our journey. The weather was gloomy and hot. I was already soaked before we even got to North Park. My mood was dismal at best. It turned to irate when I fell into the creek. Then we started to climb a hill in the rain, which turned my mood furious. My legs were burning, my feet ached with every step.
We stopped and set up camp long before Dale intended. Poor guy interpreted my mood as hatred toward him and his feelings were really hurt. When his feelings get hurt he gets quiet, which feeds into my insecurities becoming a horribly vicious cycle. I told him I would attempt the ascent the next day, and I did.

I made it too! It was tough going, no trails to walk on meant stepping over/on all forms of flora and fauna. I hate “bushwhacking”! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I don’t hate Dale, which is what he thought, I HATE BUSHWHACKING!

But if I had been in a better place emotionally and spiritually, the true object of my hate could just as easily been seen as a challenge to be met and surmounted. I caused so much suffering with my own attitude that I really don’t like the mirrors in my house today! I mean, what am I, 12 years old or something? NOT!

Well, what can I say. I have another opportunity to prove my worth, and I intend to do better. And now that I really know that I do have the power to hurt Dale, I intend to never again use it! As a matter of fact I intend to make this up to him as best I can.

It feels so strange to actually have the power to hurt another human being (aside from my children). I think I shouldn’t just assume that I don’t. I think I may actually hurt people I care about without ever knowing it because they don’t say anything, and I’ve assumed I don’t matter enough to them to hurt them.

I must find my place in this world, and accept me in it! Or at least act like an adult.

So off I go this weekend to the Sawtooth Mountains. When I get back, I will be found!


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