Friday, February 16, 2007

Devine Pep Talk

I have spent the past several days questioning my ability to become the person I feel I want to become. It was quite depressing, actually. I wandered around Fred Meyers yesterday after class feeling unworthy and terrified. More than anything else, I have been feeling completely overwhelmed.

I know it must seem arrogant when I say I know something no one else seems to know. I know it is incredibly egotistical to imply that I don’t need to work all that hard to excel at what I’m doing. How condescending is it to belittle a degree earned by someone else whom I don’t feel worked hard enough? What right to I have to be that supercilious? What has made me that great?

I have been feeling scornful because of it. Success is being thrown at me, whether I see it to catch it or not. But deep down inside, I feel incredibly humbled by what has been transpiring as of late. The message is coming through loud and clear today.

My ultimate goal has always been to take this pain and make good with it. I have fallen so many times, been injured so badly, and wanted to give up so many times. I didn’t give up. Every time I fell, I stood up and walked forward. Every injury has made me stronger by showing me my ability to survive. I have never been so broken, or so hopeless that I couldn’t go on. I have gone on.

I have been directing my mental and spiritual energies in one direction. For the past 13 years I have immersed myself in the world of incredible people. People who have been so devalued by mainstream society that they are only allowed to just exist. My guess is, this is exactly where I should be focused.

Instead of questioning the ease at which this journey is progressing, I should be rejoicing in it. If my successes seem to come easy, I should be grateful to have been shown a clue that this is what I should be dong. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I should be enjoying this journey. Instead of obsessing about what will happen years from now, I should be content with what is.

I’ve been reminded again. One moment I was staring at yet another gift of money, and terrified that I would be coming to a time when it would cost me, and the next, I was staring at a face on the television telling me that it isn’t about paying, it is about focusing. It is about focusing my energy in my desire to be in a position to make a difference for people who have been disadvantaged by the circumstances of their lives, and the ignorance of the people who hold them back further.

Whether I feel I’m worthy of this task is irrelevant. I will receive the strength, the knowledge, and the resources I need to achieve this important goal. A cosmic pep talk came to me today. And at once my heart leapt with joy. If I continue to focus on the ultimate goal, I will move toward it. It doesn’t matter how and when I get there, or even if I get there. What matters is that I focus. If I look away, I will move away. “Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone on this earth were for something and against nothing?” (I didn’t catch who said that, but I can say with certainty, they were wise!)

Not only can I do this, I will do this!


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