Saturday, May 01, 2010

Is that the horizon I see?

I am almost at the halfway point in grad school, and  I might actually make it!  Megan is nearly ready to have a baby, and what a lucky baby she is.  My past is knocking at the door, and I will be letting it in.  There is something off in the distance - is that the horizon I see?

I went to see Megan last weekend.  It's almost time for Ellie to be born.  I wish I could be there more.  I really miss my baby. We had some fun, though.  We didn't get much shopping in.  It is getting a little more difficult for Megan to get around these days, what with swelling ankles and all.

I don't know what to think about my life right now.  I have been spending a lot of time in Pocatello - I can't imagine having to live there forever.  It really is a depressing little town.  I miss my Twin Falls.  But, school is nearly done for the semester, and while I still have to spend a significant amount of time writing and re-writing my thesis proposal, I do intend to take more pretty pictures and really learn how to use my camera.  I also plan to do some painting and finish a few of them so I can have something to put on the bare walls in my new house.  I also need to finish getting all of my stuff over here as well.  I will also be spending as much time as Megan can stand with visiting her and helping her with her baby.  It should be a good summer.

I've been spending a bit of time on facebook lately.  Kim found all of the Cummins family a couple of months ago, and I am now back in touch with bunches of them.  And my step dad has been reading about me on my blog.  I guess I didn't scare him off with anything I wrote!   It seems strange to have so much of the past coming back.  I am excited to get to know everyone again, but I have to wonder if I am strong enough to walk through my troubled past.  I am a little scared to be honest.  It might really be good for me.  I'll bet there are things that all of these people remember about me that are really good.  It can't hurt to be reminded of good things that happened when I was a kid - in fact that might actually help.

My mother's brother is staying with my dad and me right now because he is about to go through a nasty divorce.  I have been really mean to him, and I find myself feeling really embarrassed about it.  I'm not sure where this animosity is coming from.  He looks a lot like my mother, and doesn't seem to get how horrible she was to me.  Sometimes he says something about how I remind him of her.  I don't like hearing that crap.  He also could be reminding me of my mother's father who molested my sister and me one night.  He tends to seriously embellish the truth with un-truths.  I really don't know what to think of him, but I know I don't like me when I am mean to him because he really has been really nice to me.  I can't stand that he smokes in my house when I'm in Pocatello.  The whole house reeks when I get home - it makes me sick to my stomach.

I need to go see my brother.  He contacted me through facebook, and I said I'd call him, but I have really had to do a lot of homework and stuff.  I feel really bad about it.  I know he is feeling down and out right now.  I'd like to be able to help if I can.

I learned a lot in physiological psychology and prenatal development this semester.  I hope to get another acquisition post up this summer, and a book review (it's already written - I just want to wait until it is graded to post it), and I have a soapbox post coming about oxytocin and defensive behaviors in autistic people.  It should be good.

And of course you can expect tons and tons of baby pictures - just as soon as I get to take them!


Post a Comment