Saturday, November 19, 2005

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

This letter has been a long time in the making and even longer overdue. It’s hard to know where to start, and I have no idea where it will end.

First I would like to say I love you, and I understand that your life was much more painful than mine. I understand what pain brought you to the place you are now and I do not hate you for any of the things I have suffered. You always did your best.

I guess I would just like to explain why I chose to cut you from my life, and why I have stayed away since.

I know you had no idea what I was talking about that day at Bruce’s ranch when I told you to take your house back and all I wanted in return was my life. I’m sure you thought I was just throwing a tantrum and that I would come around eventually. The thing is, I had already “come around”.

It finally happened when you bragged to Jay’s Mother-in-law that you had spanked a 3or 4-year-old Megan for urinating outside at Bruce’s Ranch. I couldn’t help but be angered by the fact that you had told me another story that day when I picked her up. At that time I thought even the verbal reprimand you confessed to was harsh! Yet, there you were, bragging about spanking her.

I vowed then to put an end to it. I wouldn’t let you abuse my children the way you abused me. Even then I didn’t fully realize how important this decision was to my own survival. I couldn’t stand up to you to protect myself, but I would stop you from hurting them. And so, I cut you out of our lives, and saved me in the process.

Since then, I have changed more than I knew I could. I do exist, an entity of my own, paths of my own choosing. I am proud of where I am and how I got here. Not much of who I am would meet with your expectations, and I am grateful not to have to try anymore.

When you called so many months ago to try to open a door, I did listen with an open mind. It didn’t take long to realize that nothing had changed. You still are not willing to take your part in this outcome. And that is fine, your life is yours. That also means that my life is mine. I need to stay on this path, and I can’t take you with me.

Then you called to brag about a visit from Damien Gonzales! It really wasn’t until that very moment that I completely understood, you never knew me at all. You only knew the person you wanted me to be, and I thank God I am not her. No, mother, it doesn’t surprise me at all that the boys I had sex with as a teen are coming around to see you now. You always made yourself available to them then, why would I (or they) think that would change?

As for my friends, you do not know them. You probably wouldn’t like them. They are good people with their own sets of beliefs and opinions and yours would clash. My new friends like me not for what I can do for them, but for who I am. I, me, the individual, am likeable. I think you will never know that about me. I think you will never know me. I don’t think you can. Maybe you never wanted to.

You really think Damien was the love of my life, don’t you. He was a 21 year old who wasn’t at all appreciated by women his own age, so he predated on 16 year olds. I was one of them. Maybe at the time I really thought I loved him. I do know that if my 16 year old daughter was seeing a 21 year old looser, I’d have none of it. I certainly wouldn’t have tasted the sample myself. Mother, the guys I slept with back then were all losers. Need proof? Look at where they are now! Love of my life? Proof of how little you really know me.

Even the event you regret most is a footnote to me. You have lamented many times about how horrible it was for you to blame me when my dog died. Mom, I knew at the time it wasn’t my fault. Nothing you said then made the matter any worse. Nothing you did at that moment was even much of a surprise.

The things you should regret are things you did when I was little. When I was developing as me, and all you could teach me was how worthless I was.Do you remember my first words? Momma, Daddy, pee pee, pot, puppy, and see. Who could forget how sweet I was when I said “Have a bite”, cracker, grandma, baby, bye bye, or Ah Shit? Yes and no are important and thank you. Gone, “where’s the car”, “go see grandma” are great, but don’t and stupid really are remarkable. I could even say “how about a drink of water?“ and Oh Christ, dirty bastard, beat it and shut up. I could say everyone’s name, but apparently I couldn’t say I love you, or pretty, or sweet, or happy, or good girl or good job.

And, how about that haircut you gave me in April of 1969? Do you remember that? I will never forget it. I remember that my long hair was the only thing that was special about me. You were sitting on the toilet and I stood in front of you while you combed it. It hurt, I said ouch, you got mad. You told me if it hurt so bad you would just cut it all off. You then proceeded to get the scissors and start cutting. I was sure I was going to be swallowed up into worthlessness, just like Kim.

I was just five, and had that nasty wetting problem, and peed my pants right there in front of the toilet. Obviously, that was absolutely unacceptable behavior on my part, because you grabbed the hair at the back of my head, threw me to the ground and rubbed my nose in my urine until my nose started to bleed into your precious rug. Then, of course, you were very sorry and showed me how you had only trimmed my hair and put the clippings in an envelope to put in my baby book. Thank you. Ah those wonderful childhood memories!

Like the time when I threw my cereal away into the garbage that was filled with dog-soiled newspaper. How dare I waste food! Luckily for me, you were there to force me to eat it out of the garbage until I threw up. Hmmm, maybe I was too sick to eat my cereal that morning after all!

Those are some of the things you did to me that hurt me. They are part of a large body of events that made me. There are many more, but these stick out. I realize that you were doing the best you knew how to do. I understand where the frustration and pain that took you there originated.

I just want you to understand that I am not punishing you for any of those things. Do you remember me telling you about the nightmares I used to have of Megan dying? They were constant, and terrifying. They stopped that day at Bruce’s ranch when I took my life back. It took a while, but I finally realized that I was the child dying in my dreams.

I have often wished that things between us were different, but that is just me being selfish and arrogant. You have your own life to live. I don’t have any right to expect you to change who you are, but that is exactly what would have to happen if I let you back in. Or I would have to forget all the things I have learned, I would have to forget me, and I can’t do that.

I wish you only the best. I hope you find happiness and peace in your life.

I do love you!

Your Daughter,



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