Thursday, March 08, 2007

What Makes Him So Special?

What type of person do you attract?
Your Result: You attract artsy people!

Those free spirited artists with great imaginations find you interesting. They are usually interesting themselves, so its not a bad thing, but they CAN be a bit wifty and choose odd goals. If you like life to always be a bit 'different' from the norm, but not too extreme in any one direction, these are the people for you. If you seek logical decision making skills and good money management, you may want to change something in the way you appear. Artsy people are fun for adventure and exploring, so, have fun!

You attract unstable people!
You attract models!
You attract geeks!
You attract Yuppies!
You attract rednecks!
What type of person do you attract?
Quizzes for MySpace

All silliness aside, I have done some soul searching. Has it done me any good?

I have fallen in love with six men in my lifetime. I married one of them, and divorced him eight years later. Two of them were young love affairs, hot, passionate, and doomed from the beginning. It is the three men I have loved since my divorce that have given me the greatest cause for concern.

I have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to figure out what each of these men has had in common. They all looked fairy similar, not overly masculine, dominant, and most were intelligent. The one thing they all had in common is that they crushed my poor heart.

They were all honest, as I put a high value on honesty. They were all self sufficient, and had the ability to get a decent paying job. None of them had to con their way through life. They all seem to have general a sense of right and wrong.

But what was it about these men that I was so attracted to? They all made me feel like I had to be someone else to get their love. Being me wasn’t enough. Being me was not acceptable.

Being me or not being me was not the problem. Wanting me to be only what they wanted was. The one thing that all of these men had in common was that they were selfish, rude, and inconsiderate.

I have recently learned that a good looking dominant male is only more desirable than and average looking, not dominant male if he is agreeable. A nice guy who is considerate, compassionate, giving and kind will beat out the disagreeable clod most of the time.

I guess I should say most of the time except in my case. I am still looking for that child inside me that wants the world to prove my mother was right about me, and that I have no value or validity after all. I need to heal her, and let her know she is valued and valid. I am valued and valid. I can be loved for who and what I am. I am not a leper. I don’t have any deep seeded psychological or personality disorders that prevent me from being liked.

I don’t need someone to support me. I don’t need someone to make children with. I would like to have someone who is kind, considerate, compassionate and giving. I want to give selflessly to someone who is willing to give selflessly. I want a friend I can trust implicitly with everything I am. I want to honor the trust given to me, to hold his deepest vulnerabilities and keep them safe. I would like to have a witness to my life, and what I have given to this existence.

Is that really so much to ask? Do you want to know something really strange? I have this strange feeling that the universe was just waiting for me to get it, and now that I do, I can have it. Ok, no scientific proof, so don’t tell those skeptic circle bloggers, ok?

I intend to do something fun for spring break. I don’t know what it is yet, but I promise to share whenever I figure it out.


Post a Comment