Monday, December 19, 2005


Synchronicity is an amazing thing. A little over a year ago, I realized a song I had been listening to for many years was actually a prayer. “I want to know what Love is”. I sang it over and over with every emotion in my being. I thought surely I would find Mr. Right at the end, and what I found was me and being. Because I believed that Mr. Right was the goal, I researched death and how differently it is viewed from one culture to another - a challenge to the object of my infatuation.

I stumbled upon the Near Death Experience site and realized some things I hadn’t thought of before. There is no heaven or hell after death, there is only being one with all that is. Life, they say, is like that of a drop of water which forms from the evaporation above the vast ocean, falls to the earth below, and sets out on a grand journey back to the ocean from whence it came. Sometimes the journey is treacherous, sometimes calm, but never for naught. It can last a long time, or just long enough to fall back into the ocean. It is a journey that can be repeated many times, in many ways.

I ruminated on this for some time. This notion brought a great deal of peace and tranquility to my soul. All water is equal. No water has more importance than another drop of water. All are useful and nurturing. No water drop has more knowledge than any other water drop. No water drop has power greater than any other water drop.

We are those drops of water. We don’t know our purpose now, but we can have peace in knowing we will experience what we should along our journey. We can have peace in knowing we will return to the whole. We can stop trying to control everything around us and just enjoy our journey.

So then I decided to start this blog. I decided I should journalize my travels now that I have a better idea of where I’m going. I played around and checked out other blogs for ideas and inspiration. I came upon a group of bloggers who sounded as though they might be in the same stream I am in. They were a group of people who feel they are enlightened and awake. I have no doubt that they are exactly where they are supposed to be and know exactly what they need to know. I have no doubt that they wish everyone well and truly believe they can show others the best path to the ocean.

What I have learned is that they don’t know which path I must follow on my journey. At the end of my journey I will once again be reunited with the whole, and will lavish in giving up ego. My experiences will dissolve and become the whole, as will I. It won’t be painful, it won’t take any deep delving into who I am, and I won’t be afraid. For now I will enjoy the ego that makes me an individual for as long as I am allowed to.

But I am lonely in this stream. I do not know if I am following this path alone, but, I would really like to share the joy of the journey with others who are with me . Not to teach, or control, just share.
I suppose in many ways I already do that. Many of the people who are in my life see things the way I do in many ways, but not all. Maybe that is the point, though. Maybe we are all truly alone on this journey. Maybe I am supposed to be alone on this journey. Sometimes it is difficult to know which voice to listen to in a group, but alone there is never any question. When I’m alone I don’t feel the need to control anything. I am happy just to be.

Control is difficult. My main goal for years now is to be unconditionally accepting, that means giving up any illusions that I have power to produce the outcome. I was recently called a narcissistic control freak by Eddie Traversa, one who is awake. It was upsetting to have someone call me that, even though I knew he couldn‘t possibly know one way or another. Then I read a chapter of the new book called Stripping the Gurus by Geoffrey Falk. It was quite an eye opener.

I think Mr. Falk has answered my unasked questions about control. As I read the chapter, I kept hearing the words of Eddie ringing over and over. Synchronicity swirling and flowing through every fiber. Now I truly understand that verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual and physical abuse all occur because of one person’s need to control another. Telling someone they are not spiritually an equal is a way of telling people their morals are lacking, that the do not have God‘s favor, or that they have no value. These forms of abuse towards each other are the means of imprisoning everyone in our realm. And we learn these attitudes and behaviors from those who have abused us.

I can’t get over how much better I understand my mother and why she really did the things she did. She never actually thought my sister and I had no value, but she had to treat us that way in order to control us. My sister and I turned on each other, just like the prisoners in the study. I remember thinking my sister was sooooo stupid at one point because she didn’t play my mother’s game right, and got into a lot of trouble for it. What an eye opener.

Luckily, I could see how much pain my mother was in, and that I didn’t want to ever treat anyone the way she treated me. As soon as became pregnant with my daughter I began to have out of body experiences when I was out of control with rage at not being able to control someone or something else. It has been slow going, and very difficult. I don’t know how I made it out, I really don’t. But here I am today, seeing things differently than I have ever seen them, differently than most of the people I am in contact with each day.

I don’t feel that I got here because of the abuse, either. Both of my siblings continue to suffer, using that pain as a springboard to control their children much they way they were controlled. I really feel that I am here in spite of it. I survived, even when I really wanted to quit, I kept trudging on. And here I am.

I don’t know what adventures await me on this journey. I don’t know if I will experience them alone, or find someone to share them with. What is to be will be. I do not control the path, nor do I wish to. I am happy just being.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I am still waiting to receive reading material by Richard Rose and Jed McKenna, but if the people who mention him in their blogs are right, I'm not sure I'm interested in "enlightenment". While I could be off the mark, it seems to me that these people seem confused and depressed. When they describe enlightenment, they make life sound useless. They talk about going on with life, but not taking it seriously, or getting too into it's drama.

When I came to the knowledge that all is one, it was a relief, not a shock. Suddenly, my life did have meaning, and just as much meaning as anything else that exists. I know that when it is time, I will become immersed in the energy that exists in all. For now, I continue. I will enjoy each experience this existence has to offer and appreciate all it has to give. The highs, the lows, the joy, the pain, all, it is here for me to experience, and I will not debase it by calling it a lie.

And what is it with calling everything a lie? When I first encountered this state, I came to the feeling that everything is TRUTH. Everyone here is experiencing what they were intended to experience. We don't know why now, but that doesn't matter. Everyone and everything, every thought every dream, every word, is TRUE. We all speak and live the truths we know.

I think that I am awake. My happiness and peace come from unconditional acceptance. If one can accept everything and everyone in existence as being vital and important, and that no one is entitled to more than anyone else, peace follows. But, in truth, conditions must exist here, or there would be no point in being here, would there?

I am not in line with many who say they are enlightened. Perhaps this was not the path. I will obtain and read the books before I make my mind up about it.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Politically Correct

Is it a Christmas tree, or a holiday tree? Once again, in America, a raging debate echoes through the land. Should the United States have an official Christmas tree, and officially proclaim Christianity as it’s official religion? Perhaps we should call it a Holiday tree so that all religious doctrines are honored! Maybe we can all meet at the mall and have it out once and for all!

As usual, the Christian sect has decided that it is just another jab of political correctness, an ideal whose time has passed. After all, aren’t the religious traditions of the majority more important than the spiritual dignity of the few? Isn’t that how Jesus wanted it? Steam roll over those who see things differently! Make them outcastes and shame them all! Does that sound like something Jesus would say? Is it the message we want to send?

Political correctness is one thing, but even if we were being historically correct, it would not be called a Christmas tree. If it were true that Martin Luther King had actually been it’s inventor, then a Christmas tree it would be! History, however, tells a different tale.

Ancient Egyptians worshipped evergreens, bringing them into their homes as a symbol of life‘s triumph over death. That is what the Winter solstice means to most ancient cultures - Life triumphing over death!

Each winter the Romans celebrated Saturnalia to honor Saturnus, the God of Agriculture. They would decorate their homes with lights and evergreens. They exchanged gifts which symbolized prosperity, happiness and a lighted path to journey on.

Druids used evergreens in their winter solstice rituals. Evergreen trees were placed German and Scandinavian homes as a symbol of hope for the spring in the late middle ages.

The time of year to celebrate Christmas is also not correct, historically. Historians and Theologians seem to agree that Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th! The Catholics chose to change Christmas from Jesus' birthday to December, because they felt it would be easier than trying to convert the pagans who insisted on celebrating the winter solstice. So, the original reason for the season historically is the coming of spring.

The reason for the season - Winter Solstice. The sun dips to it’s lowest point on the southern horizon on December 21. The days following the solstice would have been filled with celebrations and light when the sun began to climb north once again. Life triumphs over death! It’s such a familiar message. Isn’t it repeated in nearly all religions? Especially Christianity!

I guess the thing that bothers me most, is that religious zealots feel so comfortable with denying the dignity of their fellow humans. Draped in religious right, they ostracize and undermine the spiritual bonds of entire peoples. Why is it so important to have only one religion? Why shouldn’t god have the right to express itself in many different ways?

This year, we should think hard about the meaning of the holiday. It’s not about the mall, it’s not about one religion over another. It’s about giving, and the best thing you can give another is their dignity.

I found my Christmas tree history facts on the following web sites:

Knott's Berry Funk

Well, it's true! My son and I took a trip to Las Angeles! It was a lot of fun. He was competing in the Footlocker West Cross Country Championships. He ran a little slow, but had a lot of fun!

Then, we drove around the big city. Wanted to see some of those famous boulevards! The first one I turned off on had to be Santa Monica Blvd! My son turned 18 last month, so I kidded him about being legally old enough to go into one of those nudy girl places to see a naked lady! I embarrassed him to tears!

I only saw one celebrety, and he was nearly past me when I finally realized I didn't know him, that he was Locke on Lost! Maybe I just watch too much tv!

We went to Knott's Berry Farm. They have some very exciting rollercoaster rides! I am ashamed to say they actually scared me! Now I have to try some more!

Well, I wanted to put this letter here for a couple of days before I mailed it. If I read it a few times, I might want to change it a little.

Knott’s Berry Farm
8039 Beach Blvd.
Buena Park, CA 90620

Attn: Guest Relations

To Whom it May Concern:

On Saturday, December 3, 2005, my son and I visited your theme park in Buena Park, California. We both thought the rides were very thrilling, and the spirit of the park was very exciting. Unfortunately, a perfect day was nearly spoiled.

I left my 18 year old son to wait for me outside a bathroom while I dried my shirt after riding the Big Foot ride. While I was doing so, someone decided that he was behaving in a way that made him a serious threat. When I came out, my son came rushing toward me, very alarmed. A security guard had been talking to him, and when the officer approached me, he said my son told him he was on medication, and that he needed to make sure that everything was ok. I told him my son has a disability, he nodded and once again asked if everything was ok. I felt confused and bewildered by his comments.

My son has autism. He is very high functioning, and is very capable of taking care of himself . He does have some very bizarre behaviors. He paces, flaps his hands and pulls his hair out. He has stereotypical autistic behaviors, and I have never had anyone accuse him of being dangerous. As far as the medication goes, he does take an antidepressant, as he told the security guard. It doesn’t affect his behavior, and certainly doesn‘t make him a threat to anyone else. If he had been schizophrenic, as was implied, the way the officer handled it would certainly have escalated any problems. As it was, it took a full half hour to calm my son down enough to stop his crying.

I suppose if that incident was the only problem that day, I wouldn’t be writing this letter. However, the steam train conductor, who passed us twice while making a head count, looked my son straight in the eye and said “I don’t know about you line jumpers! I counted people after I closed the gate, and there were just enough seats for that number. I hope there are enough seats for you.” There were, of course, just as she had counted! But no apology was forthcoming.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I was buying candy at one of your little stores. The woman helping us said “Don’t give him any candy, he has too much energy already!” He was pacing. When I told her she was the third person that day to volunteer a comment on my autistic son, she was apologetic, but, the damage was done.

I am not writing this letter to complain, but to bring to your attention a problem that you can very easily rectify for future guests. If you were to educate your workers on the various types of disabilities they might encounter, future guests could be spared the pain and humiliation my son suffered that night. My son’s autism is very stereotypical, and while he is very high functioning, people who are knowledgeable about the disability can pick it out easily. I know that security guards and police officers are trained to deal with a variety of situations, but the response to my son’s pacing was so excessive that even I was alarmed! What if I hadn’t been there? What would they have done to him? He wasn’t hurting anyone or anything!

I hope you will take this matter seriously. As it stands now, I will definitely not encourage people with behavioral disabilities like my sons to visit your park.

Thank You for Your Time,