Tuesday, June 13, 2006

To: The Universe CC: Cheri

How do I tell you? What can I say? I’m sure the fact that I omitted my fear from our discussions is a clear indication that I see clearly the problem at hand. I closed my eyes and wished it away, but it remained.

It was just a familiar twinge at first. How quick I was to explain it away. How quick to judge me irrational. But I am not irrational. I am not wrong here, no matter how much I might wish it.

Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I think I have truly seen it, as it comes from me. I have felt a great love for someone, not because they were perfect, or because I could see the good in spite of the bad. The imperfections are a part of what is lovable, a part to be adored and respected. But only as long as they don’t destroy me.

I worked so hard for so long to find me. My name is a gift from you, a constant reminder of my validity. I am valuable and loveable just as I am. I do not have to change me to be loved. I would rather lose the love of another than to lose me.

It’s not just a bump in the road, not just a rough patch to work through. This is survival. It would make me so sad to have to say goodbye, but, it would be utterly tragic to abandon me.

Maybe I don’t have to choose. I understand that most people don’t understand what it is to love unconditionally. Can I love me enough to stay strong in the storm? I don’t want to go down with the ship, I don’t want the ship to go down at all. Maybe It’s time to learn to sail. Batten down the hatches and seek the inner solace and guidance you give me in abundance.

I can love another’s inability to love me perfectly right now. Just because there is a lack of understanding doesn’t mean there is an inability to learn. “I’m really trying. I don’t always know what I’m feeling, but I’m really trying!” Isn’t that all it takes? A desire to succeed goes a very long way.

I now stand naked before you. I cannot see the end, nor do I wish to. It is the journey, the process that matters. Is it really as simple as holding on to me? Is that the true test of unconditional love? Loving me while loving another?


Sunday, June 04, 2006

Summer Photos

The Next Level

Tending a relationship, nurturing it, watching it grow, anticipating the fruits to come, is a joyful art. The soil must be worked, and I worked it for so long, with so much care and love. I added all of the nutrients I thought would be needed to cultivate the union I had sought for so long. Then I found the prettiest seed I had ever seen. I planted it in the warm soil and contemplated the possibilities.

Soon, a sprout emerged. I was surprised by it strength and beauty. It grew quickly and courageously. It stretched it’s leaves to the life giving sun. It flourished and grew.

Then one day, the sprout wilted. My heart nearly broke with concern. My first reaction was to chastise myself with self blame and hatred. Of course that only made the problem worse. The sprout sagged and I was sure it would die.

I checked the soil. It was dry, so I added some water. The sprout came back, even stronger than it was. New leaves sprouted like magic. It grew and continues to grow taller and taller. I think there may even be a bud starting.

Yes, we had a hiccup. Usually, a hiccup in my relationships has meant doom. Fortunately, both Dale and I wanted the relationship to survive enough to water it. We talked through some differences, and worked through the problems. Now, we are stronger than before. We are happier than before. We are more confident than before.

We’ve taken us to the next level. No - I don't know what that means, but it feels sooo good.