Friday, October 28, 2005

The Dream, The Insight

The Dream

The sunlight filtered through the sheer white curtains, rebounded off the light blue walls, and melted into the white carpet. I was warmly snuggled under a dark blue comforter that was speckled with pink and white flowers. I pushed it away from my face as I sat up. I was in a brand new house, and I already felt at home.

I got out of bed, and suddenly found myself in the living room with my daughter. I couldn’t see past to the kitchen, but I found the place to be cozy and safe. I sat on one of the two little couches. They were covered in forest green fabric that was speckled with pink and yellow flowers. They were soft and puffy, the kind you can fall into forever. But, the room was a little cramped for the two couches, so I turned them into reclining chairs. I wasn’t sure if that was the right change, so I walked back into my room.

It was time to get ready for work, but I wanted to make my bed first. I pulled back the comforter, and found leaves and twigs under it. I had no idea how they got in my bed! They poked and stung my hands as I swept an unending supply of them off onto the brand new carpet. My attention was pulled to the right. There, on the stone tiles leading to the closet, I saw a puddle of red liquid. My mind became so completely preoccupied by that unexpected mess that I immediately stopped brushing away leaves and twigs, and mopped the liquid up.

While cleaning the mess, my eyes wandered to my empty walk-in closet. The door was ajar, hiding the closet's full expanse. I wondered if it was big enough and dark enough for a dark room. It would be so nice to develop my pictures myself. I went in and it was large enough, so I closed the door to check for darkness.

I pushed the door shut, and a bright light suddenly appeared from the ceiling. I reached for a switch, but it didn’t work. I saw a button on the light fixture and pushed it, shutting off the light. As I did that a dozen more suddenly appeared to take it’s place. I was irritated because I knew I couldn’t shut them all off. Then I walked to the edge of the closet and it magically opened up into a security room. There was a two-way mirror looking out onto the lawn. I remember thinking that the kitchen should be there. I started to turn around and suddenly a phone that I could call the police on came into view.

I realized that this was all wrong. It was supposed to be a closet that I could put a dark room in. And it was. So I walked to the darkest part visualizing how everything would look. A hole suddenly appeared in the wall. So I went through it to avoid being caught by the police-army that was chasing me.

I found myself in an empty, but complete other house attached to my house. “Wow! I can hide comfortably in here!” I thought. But how could I possibly keep whole house hidden a like this? I couldn’t, so I turned it into a small dark hallway. My son and daughter were hiding in there with me. My son kept rocking back and forth in fear, and I was really upset because I just knew they would find us because of it.

Then I remembered I was just checking out the closet to see if I could put a dark room in it. So I was.

A tall handsome man came over to see me. He really like me and I really liked him. He was very tall and handsome. As we were sitting on the couch that was suddenly in my very messy room, I realized that he was so young, and wanted to have children of his own, which made me sad because I don’t want to have any more children.

Luckily I woke up in time to get to work this morning. Sounds like a strange dream, but it does remind me of my life. I make a conscious effort to stay on track with my spirituality, but life always manages to take me off on tangents. I will realize this and get back on track. Then off, then on. But it is fun to think that I can actually get back on track just by remembering what that is. After all, life may be nothing more than an interesting illusion.

The insight

And God thought to himself, “How can I create something out of nothing?” With a simple thought a spring of souls appeared. “The Big Bang” is what the scientists call it. And everything appeared. God’s illusion made real. Energy of thought becoming matter. Matter making up our reality. All that is creating experiences - all that is experiencing creation. All that from a 17 year old autistic boy.

The universe is an infinite canvas filled with amazing art. But what is Art really? In this existence, we try to teach our hands and senses to recreate what our souls know. It is the ultimate expression of our oneness. Is there a limit of what we can call art? Is it right to take credit for the trees?

Some people take original matter and call it their creation. I agree that the birth of a baby is art. We are all one, we are all that is. If you invite spectators to the birth of a baby, do you become the creating artist? Are you truly recreating what your soul knows? What is art? Is it urine? Is it the digestive system of a cow? Is it ok to show that as art to spectators for shock value, or should these artists be making sure that the point is that everything is art?

I think that I am caught in the individual/one bewilderment that so many people feel. It is one thing to know that we are all one. It is confusing to live an existence where individuality is the lesson, free will a test question. We are individual notes that make up the symphony that is the universe. One perfect note, incomplete without the symphony, the perfect symphony incomplete without the note.

As one note I am responsible to provide my part. It would be a cop-out to claim to be responsible for the tree’s part, or the urine’s part....but I will be accountable for mine.

I feel like I’m just on the edge of knowing something profound. I’ve been here before and will undoubtedly be here again. Someday I’ll know. I can wait. There's a lot of life left in me yet!

Thursday, October 27, 2005


This morning a fresh, chilled fog rolled into my desert. The calm and serenity it brought soothed me to my very bones. Time slowed, my heartbeat softened, my lungs drew in as much as they could hold. How quiet the world becomes when blanketed in a thick wet mist.

It was the kind of fog I love to run in. My feet wanted to play, trembling with the anticipation of such a run. But, I was at work, caring for the best humanity has to offer. The run could wait until school got out. But it was nearly foiled. By 2:00 the fog turned into rain.

I love to run in the rain, the way the raindrops tap at my skin, the way they keep me fresh and powerful. I seriously considered not running because I need to not do anything silly. I have caught every cold in town this past quarter, and I really want to get healthy and stay healthy. The rain might be a little cold to run in without risking too much. If I knew for certain I could run the whole 3 miles without having to stop, I would. Instead, I just ran in the neighborhood close to home. It was just a mile, but it was perfect. Just how I remembered. And yes, it was too cold for a full 3 mile run.

I remembered experiencing today’s weather at Mount Hood. That was a very sweet, sweet five days! So much green, and wet, always wet. I thought time would stand still. I am so glad we went there. It’s a great picture to hold from time to time, when the world gets crazy around me.

I love fog, whether it is the mist in the air, or the mist in my mind. I love knowing that you can’t see through the fog to your end goal. You can’t see where the road will take you, you can’t see the mountains or the valleys. The rivers are as obscured as their bridges. You can’t see the course, so you have to have faith that the path you are on will take you where you need to be. You have to use all of your senses, and listen with your heart and soul.

I love the rain, too, whether it is coming from the clouds, or coming from heaven. It washes away the grunge of life, and leaves your life smelling fresh and new. It enriches the flowers that fill your world, and keeps you green and alive.

Well, enough of that.

Last night yoga was wonderful. It was a restorative class, and I’d never done anything like that before. It was 1 1/2 hours of pure meditation interrupted only by a change of positions. I was relaxed and ready and at no time in danger of falling asleep. I had some pretty interesting visions, and I do intend to paint some of them.

One of the most wonderful things that happened was one of the other ladies there decided to take care of me. She kept helping me set up props and cover up and everything. It’s been a really long time since anyone wanted to take care of me like that. Sometimes you don’t know you are even missing something until someone gives it to you. When I thanked her she responded as though she was surprised I thought it was special. There are so many wonderful people in this world. So many people who God works through.

I really do love to meditate. I am currently doing it at odd times, and not necessarily every day. It helps me though. So, I am going to clean and re-arrange my room so that I will have a little place just for meditating. That’s right, no more pile of dirty cloths, a hamper is on its way! (yes, I’m a natural born clear to the core slob! - I love that about me.) I will be obtaining a bolster and some good blankets. I will buy pretty candles and some more Gonesh - perfumes of ancient times - sticks to burn. Maybe even some silky sheer fabrics to drape around my seat (always being careful of the flames!) for a soft and luxurious effect. Of course if I do this I will never want to leave.

I also plan to do more meditations before painting. Some of the visions I had last night were really intense. I can’t wait to start. Obviously, that’s why I’m sitting at the computer typing. But this is important too. It is a really nice way to put my thoughts in order. Besides, this, too, is an art! Seen by few, liked by some, hated by many. What makes it art is the way it interprets my connection to all that is. As long as it holds genuine meaning for me, as long as it is honest, as long as it reflects my gratitude, it is perfect.

If I sit quietly in the dark, by my window, I will hear the rain drops falling to the earth. I could never find a more perfect melody to meditate to.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Cosmic Fan

I had the most stimulating discussion at lunch today. One of the ladies I sit with is studying history right now, and commented on how we (the U.S.A.) used the Atom Bomb to bully Europe into the conditions set at the end of the war. I added that we (all of us in the USA as we are electing the people in charge) have continued to bully the world ever since, and that the war we are indulging in right now is a direct result of that bullying. We discussed this at length. I started to talk about Karmic energy. I said that if you are going to throw shit at a fan, don’t stand in front of it!

We then spent the next 15 minutes predicting the path the shit would take once it hit the fan. We decided (with no scientific or mathematical proof) that the shit would spatter all over the place. We agreed that it would probably all shoot back in the general direction the fan was pointing, but that it would pretty well cover the ceiling, walls and floor. We have too much fun (did I mention it was lunchtime?). It ended in a startling concept that the one lady didn’t want to see, and the other found much too difficult not to pounce on. I love my work friends!

In respect to Karmic energy, or any energy for that matter (not a pun, I promise), if one sends out negative, potentially hurtful, energy, it doesn’t just come back to the one who sent it! It hits the fan and is spread out exponentially. And since space and time are neither linear nor constant, the energy could be sent to other parts of our lives and universe.

If this is true, then the negative energy I created yesterday morning could have hit the cosmic fan, returning to me later in the day with the upset partners! Heck, maybe that hurtful energy is the reason I had such a bad time in the July of my 17th year! Maybe it is the cause of my headache, pulled muscle or cold virus. Or, maybe I have yet to experience the repercussions! My friend thinks that all the of the world’s problems were very likely started when the doctor pulled me out of my mother’s birth canal like she and I were a cattle! Not that there is anything wrong with cows, except bse, but that’s another blog.

What if my angry energy passed through a p-brane and messed up some other dimensional character’s day!?! What if I am that other character? I should definitely be more careful about the emotional energy I release! After all, it is just an adventure, it should all be fun and amusing. I am simply experiencing all that this existence has to offer. It doesn’t have to be so encumbersom, I should just go with the flow, and enjoy the show.

Although, I don’t go to a movie to just go with the flow. No matter how many times I see Jurassic Park, I still sit at the edge of my seat, fingernails clenched between my teeth, jumping at every start! That’s what makes it fun! But that’s just it, I know it’s just fun. I guess that is what I need to remember in my daily life. It is supposed to be fun. Keep it fun. Keep it interesting. Keep it challenging. No matter what you chose to keep, keep it fun!

Oh, and who says shit has to be a bad thing? It’s a social concept born from health issues I guess. It doesn’t stop a dog from eating cat shit, does it? Heck, if a dog who shits is getting fed real well, well, a less well fed dog will eat that shit too. Does that make the dog sick? It might make me sick, but the dog seems happy. So who’s right? What’s right? It’s all right! Alright? (Oh, my)

Ok, I know I am having way too much fun with this. That’s ok though. It’s not all out there as much as some might think.

If you want to take quantum theory and the strings and m’s and p-branes to the full extent, we must admit that all things are truths. All “illusions”, all visions, all ideas and ideals are truths. All things that can happen, do happen. All choices we could possibly make, are made. There are no conditions, no judgments, no boundaries, except where there are conditions, judgments and boundaries.

For some, judgment day is a reality, for them it is and will be real. Everything written in the bible is true and real. It is the reality for a lot of people. It just isn’t my reality. My reality (if I could only live it 100% - but I will get there) is compassion, and unconditional acceptance and love. When I go to the place of unconditional acceptance, I realize that all that is is as it should be. All things have their place and are beautiful and magnificent. All that is is perfect and unimaginably peaceful and safe.

When I visit this place in my heart I feel infinite gratitude for my experience, my existence. I feel warmth wrap around me and hug me and hold me, keeping me safe from fear. I love this place. Someday I will come to this place and never leave.

Monday, October 24, 2005


I sensed it first thing this morning: nothing about this day was to be easy. I was not disappointed. Of course I wasn‘t! I created the obstacles in my path. I churned the waters with my contempt. I nurtured my discontent.

I had a notion in the back of my mind to be the observer today. I should accept this day and all that comes with it unconditionally. But some hidden anger wouldn’t have it. A feeling of disgust grows in my chest. I have projected this anger onto an innocent, a woman who has never done anything to intentionally hurt me. In fact, she has done everything in her power to empower me.

I am so confused. Why her? I know that she is not dismissing me, she is fighting not to be dismissed by me. Something is horribly wrong, a cancer I cannot see. I fear that if I do not find it soon, it will irrevocably harm someone I care deeply about. I must meditate on this. I must find the source of this anger. I know that all anger originates from pain. What pain? But that's wrong, isn't it. Anger originates from fear, as does pain. Fear.

Maybe it’s not her, maybe it’s the job. I have been doing this for 11 years now. There have been times when it brought me great joy and fulfillment, but, now, I don’t know anymore. Once again, I let fear hold me back. I'm afraid to find out what else is out there for me. Afraid of failure!

I have been reading a blog over the past several days. She writes a lot about fear and how she escapes it. I, too, am very good at escaping my fear. I don’t run, but I don’t stand and fight either. Instead, I become still, and quiet, and hide. I become so paralyzed by the fear that I can do absolutely nothing. A coward at times, that’s what I am.

I am too old to still be playing this game. What in the hell am I so afraid of? There is no pain I cannot endure, no pleasure I have no right to experience. The echoes from my past are in my past. They did not destroy me then, they cannot harm me now. Only my inaction can hurt me now. Only I can stop me, and only I can move me forward.

It shouldn’t be this hard. Just because I have a thick head doesn’t mean I should continue to bash it into every wall I come upon. After all, walls can be climbed, or I can walk around it! Aaargh!

The path has been laid before me. It is the one with the obstacles in it. It is the one that is interesting and challenging. One that will bring me the most enlightenment in the end. I am guilty of waiting for life to happen to me. I see an open door, but I do not enter until someone grabs my and hauls me in.

My children take life by the horns and wrestle it. I’m not saying that is the right way either. They are both so afraid there won’t be enough time that they forget to really enjoy the moment. Someday they will. They both recognize that there is time. They just need to learn some patience. Patience, not paralysis.

All things need balance. I must find my courage. Though I am terrified, I must step into my life. Yes, with baby steps. I do not have to run a marathon tomorrow. I need to start with the shorter distances, then work my way up.

I just takes persistence. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I guess. I hope.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Growing Pains

High school is hard. Being a senior in high school is very painful.

My son just competed in his last high school cross country meet. He didn’t make state, but it wasn’t because he didn’t give it his all. He came so close! He ran the perfect race!

I am so glad I found the place, he needed me. It was the end of a really difficult week for him, and some of his teammates had said some things to him that he took pretty hard. I think that, because of his autism, he really misunderstood what was really being said, but he did manage to work most of it out before the race.

And what a race! He paced himself in the beginning, finding his feet. Then, when he felt the time was right, he pressed forward. He started passing all the rabbits, all the kids who gave everything they had to the first mile. When he got closer to the end he went all out, “chasing [the opponents] like a psychopath”. Everyone was so impressed. I had never been more proud of him. In my eyes, he is the champion.

All the seniors running that day were especially emotional. Senior year is full of lasts! Adolescents have a way of ignoring the fact that high school isn’t an end, but a huge beginning. A rite of passage! It has been so hard watching both my kids go through it. I wouldn’t want to do it again for the world.
Of course, the pain doesn’t stop with high school graduation. My life is full of growing pains. I have had some really great heartbreaks because of my confusion over what love is really all about. I hope I have learned that love has to begin with me. I have to have a really good grasp of who I am. I have to have some idea of what I want from life, and how I intend to get it. I have to know myself well before I try to add others to my life. I have to hold on to what makes me unique.

I have been so quick to envision myself fitting into the lives of the men I have liked. I have molded myself into the woman I think they want. In the process, I have turned myself into some shallow and meaningless whore, who was absolutely not what anyone ever wanted. I have abandoned myself time and again. I have broken my own heart. I have made myself valueless. I gave up my own worth. Only I can break that chain.

I have to remember that love is unconditional, all accepting, all encompassing. When I send love out, it always comes back, and if it doesn’t it wasn’t real. I must never stop asking the questions.

Do you see yourself fitting into my life or do you see me fitting into yours? Do you see yourself climbing up rock faces, jumping off bridges and out of airplanes? Do you envision yourself hiking through the wilderness all summer? Are you looking forward to a bike trek down the Oregon coast? Do you dream of exploring ancient lands, and ruins, visiting the history of the world? Can you spend an entire Saturday cuddling on the couch, reading, watching movies, discussing philosophy? If you can’t see yourself doing those things, then you don’t love me. You might love the idea of finding someone who will fit into your life, doing the things you love. And I can do that! I am open to experiencing all the things you are, but not at the expense of me. I won’t lose me in the process, I can’t. I owe it to myself to have my life, and, if you love me, you will be open to sharing it with me. If we are to be, we will bring all the things we are, fit them together, and build a whole new life together. That’s what love is. That’s what I want.

Wow, it really did just occur to me. The men who have dumped me weren’t dumping me because there was something wrong with me. They just weren’t seeing how I could fit into there lives and vice versa. That’s all it ever is really about. There isn’t anything wrong with who I am, there isn‘t anything wrong with who anyone else is! Gosh, it seems so simple now. The guys I have dumped didn’t have any real flaws. They were all wonderful in who and what they were. I just couldn’t see how we could fit into each others lives. Some of them were like me, willing to abandon themselves in an attempt to be what they thought I wanted, and I wanted someone who was strong enough to be who he was, with me. After all, I want a partner, not a puppy! And, I am not a puppy! Oh my! I am 41 years old and just now figuring this out. It feels so freeing! I guess all those growing pains have lead to discovery! Isn’t life great!?!

Well, finger is feeling better now, obviously. I’m getting off the computer now so I can go an make my life happen!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Injured son, finger

This day brough with it some pain, so I'm afraid that this log will be short and sweet.

I broke the fingernail on my right pointing finger clear to the quick. Typing is really painful.

The para in my son's class was mean to him today. Things will have to change, and I might have to be the one to make it happen, I guess.

I sure hope this finger feels better soon!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Gratitude, Compassion, Surrender, Happiness, Faith

Gratitude. My whole being is filled with it. It seeks its way through every capillary, every cell, every molecule, every sub atomic particle. Electrons are exited by it, spreading waves of pleasure that emanate from within. It enters on every breath, and pulsates through my heart. My toes keep wiggling. My face keeps smiling. My stomach keeps fluttering.

Surrender. It is the path to gratitude. It winds through the quite valleys of the moment. It echoes through the canyons of contentment. It soars on the wings of peace. It sweeps through the forests of silence.

Happiness. It comes when I surrender to the gratitude I feel when God touches my shoulder. It stays to visit for as long as I will have it. It sings me to sleep, and kisses my eyelids in the morning. The universe has an infinite quantity to share.

Faith. My faith strengthens my courage. It steels me through the unknown. It comforts me in solitude. It casts light through the dark.

Compassion. It connects me to the entities I come in contact with every day. It shows me that all things are meaningful. It tells me that all has value. It is recyclable, reusable, and regiftable.

I’m on a spiritual high today. My epiphany came in a wonderful way. All of the events of my life have lead me to this moment. No matter what happens in my life, today, this moment, is worth living.

It’s wonderful to know that everything has come to be for very special reasons. We don’t need to know the purpose, or the meaning. We only need to experience each moment, and be grateful for each breath.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Oh! What a day! God Loves Me!

Wow, what a day! A certain student who has been sharing his cold germs all year - ok all 8 weeks of it anyway - is feeling much better now. I think he felt the need to make up for lost time. I sure wish he would have waited a little longer for me. Oh how I ran after him every second of the day, I shocked him with my re-found ability to yell. Of course, I shocked me too, but in the process, I saved some people from a shower of cardboard.

And we made our first wind chime out of bamboo. Oh they are soooooo cute. And we got a governor's grant for innovative teaching ideas, so we will get a popcorn popper and sell pop corn to groups who would like such a service. Plus, we could even make flavored popcorn, caramel, chocolate dipped, oh the possibilities. Oh, yes, and then sell it so that we will have enough money to put in the partner’s scholarship funds.

Speaking of partners, I did come up with a project for my class that more than made up for the grief they tried to give last Friday when my daughter came. Oh - yes! We recycled bottles and cans. Let me tell you that adolescents can be such pigs. They know it’s a recycle bin, do they really want their gum, lunches, and breakfasts recycled too? Oh, the putrid odors coming out of the bins nearly gagged us all. But we did it. And now it’s done. And in time for the recycling company to come and pick it up.

Then I did go to the courthouse to support the teachers who are really trying hard to negotiate with a very snotty board. I just know that I didn’t get a big enough raise to make up for the insurance increase, so I hope they get what they are asking for now. The board is confused, I think. It’s not the teachers who get elected for their jobs!

Then I went on my bike ride. Oh, it was so pretty. The leaves are all turning and falling. It was so warm. The sky was gray. I was gone for 45 minutes. It sure didn’t feel like it. I decided it would be better to ride the bike than try to run the 7 miles. I even rode up both of the big hills! I did good.

Then I come to find out that God is reading my blog. Even guided a couple of people to answer. Boy I’m sure glad about that. I needed a little push. Ok, I needed a big push. Oh maybe I needed a kick in the pants!

Well, that might sound strange to some, I know. But I really do believe that God works through us all. We are constantly getting and delivering messages to each other. I didn’t even think anyone was reading this at all, especially since it is so hard to find. I mean, I know what my blogs say, and I have a hard time finding them in the searches. I even found a blog site that likes to publish other peoples’ blogs. They had one of my blogs there, and I found IT before I found my original. Strange I say. So to have two people respond to that one blog in one day, well, it has to be a God thing.

So now I am truly inspired to go out and make things happen. Life doesn‘t wait for us, and since I’m young now, I best live now. I already knew that, somewhere. I even tried for a while, but gave up. I don’t really know why either. I just lost it somewhere and haven’t been able to find it again - until now.

I should be over this cold soon, and feeling great again (able to make up for lost time myself?). I biked today, have yoga tomorrow, and will try to run and the hs track on Thursday. And, I WILL paint this weekend. I MUST make time for that. I do see that path laid before me and I MUST take it! I have a few paintings started, I should work on ALL of them. That way, taking out all the stuff won’t take longer than the fun of painting! That’s the ticket!


Monday, October 17, 2005

OK - Part 2 and stuff.

I have tried so hard to keep my spirits up today, but every time I hear someone laugh, even when it’s me, it just makes me mad. The good news is that I am not depressed, just annoyed with having to work when I feel so crappy. I got it from a student I work with. Got the first crud from him too. We’ve only been in school for 8 weeks, and I’ve been sick for most of that. It is really putting a crimp in my getting back to running routine. And oh, my gosh, is it getting annoying.

Well, I really contemplated not writing a part 2, but the way I feel today, I might as well. So, where was I?

Oh, yeah, I’m hopeless, or waiting for something around the corner. It is the big dilemma. I have often thought that I should just tell him about my crush and see what happens. But what if trying to make something happen here is the wrong thing to do? After all, his youngest is still in elementary school. My youngest is turning 18 next month. Do I want to do the family thing for the next 10 years? Or should I be holding out for the possibility of finding someone like me in my situation?

Someone who wants to rock climb, jump out of airplanes, go on a summer-long hiking expedition. Someone who doesn’t mind a mess, likes the ocean, loves green scenery. Someone who already has all the children he wants (that are grown) and isn’t turned off by my son’s disability. Someone who is still young enough to like being playful, and has some stamina.

Or do I want the opportunity to know what it is like to be a part of a real family, Dad, Mom and kids? Sometimes I find myself yearning for that. I’m not at all convinced that the one is exclusive of the other. Could I have the best of both worlds? Will I be expected to fit into his life, or can we fit into each other’s lives? I have to remember to hold on to me in the process. I’m always the quickest one to abandon me.

Part of my problem is that I keep obsessing on Mike. I guess it’s easier to spend my time in wishful thinking than go out there and see what I can find. To be honest, it scares the bujeebers out of me. What scares me more than anything is finding out that I have no worth after all, that there always has been, and always will be good reason to abandon me. I guess that scares all of us though. And I did promise myself that I would stop basing decisions on fear.

I don’t know why I should just assume that everyone will abandon me. I have a friend now whom I trust completely. More than one actually. The friends I had in the past were parts of my past. I am a different person now, and one that people generally like. It’s strange to have people in my life who actually respect me. But I guess that’s another blog.

But for now, I must decide what to do. I have been begging for guidance here for so long. So far my answer has been no. Maybe I should just accept no. If something is meant to be, it will be. Am I on the right path God?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Unavailable and Uninterested, What Woman Can Resist That?

I have never seen the show, and probably never will. But the preview will stay with me. It IS me! I can’t honestly understand it. I still feel the need to prove my worth, and if he doesn’t force me to, I’m not interested. I know I have great worth. Granted, I’ve only known it for 11 years, but still, I do know it. I guess some habits just die hard.

Over the past decade I have come to appreciate some really intense men who are married. They are so safe, nothing CAN happen! If they are the straying type, they aren’t my type. As a matter of fact, part of what makes these men so intriguing is their commitment to their wives. Without that, they’re nothing.

But Mike isn’t married, he’s my son’s counselor. Ok, well not a lot of difference there. We think a lot alike, the unconditional love, the unconditional acceptance, an unwillingness to judge. He is the right age, has all the kids of his own that he wants and is quite handsome. And he’s never given me a reason in the world to think he is interested. As a matter of fact, he really works at not telling me any more about himself than what any stranger is welcomed to know.

So there it is, I have to prove my worth to someone who practices and believes in unconditional acceptance. I don’t know what to think. Maybe I’m hopeless. Or maybe something else waits around the bend. Only the future will tell.

Well I guess this will have to be part one of this blog. My daughter is here now, and she has an essay she needs to write for a grade. I just do this for fun you know.
Anyway, any advice? God? Any?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Spiritual Journey

Dalai Lama
July 14, 2000

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no
need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own
heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
~ The Dalai Lama

Gary Zukav
September 13, 2000

1. Stop and become aware of what is happening within me.
2. Remind myself that the thoughts I am thinking and the feelings I am feeling come from a part of myself that is frightened.
3. Ask myself “do I want my decisions to be made by a part of myself that is afraid?”
4. What would I do if I were a compassionate and wise person?

August 16, 2002

You need to reclaim your innocence. You need to take all that stuff in your personal world, everything you are tired of and everything that steals energy from your spirit, and begin to look at it in a new light. You need to find beauty in places and people you never saw it in before. You need to find joy in the odd corners of your life. And most of all, you need to begin a new regimen of self-acceptance. If you can do all this, then the world you live in will begin to blossom like a rose.

Little snippets of wisdom. They meant enough to me at the time to write and save them. I don’t think I really understood them at the time, but I do now. I know that I have really come a long way!

For the longest time I really thought that I must be an atheist because I didn’t believe in God as described in the bible. I never could figure out how a beautiful loving entity could really be that much like my mentally ill, highly abusive mother. How could God really be jealous, polytheistic, judgmental, and vengeful? According to the bible, that is how God describes Himself. It’s written in the Ten Commandments that people want placed in public places everywhere! They believe that the only reason people do hurtful things is because they don’t subscribe to these scriptures. They want these values instilled in the schoolchildren everywhere! They say that not teaching these values is what is wrong with America/the World these days!

These teachings couldn’t be farther from the true, loving God that I have come to know. These teachings have nothing to do with kindness, compassion and the unconditional love and acceptance that God is. These teachings probably have more to do with the problems in this world than any other single worldly element. I know they have had more to do with my own pain and life gone astray .

The first leg of my journey took me to Buddhism. I learned that is not a typical religion, but a personal philosophy and spirituality that guides us through the paths of our lives. It was a little confusing to me, a strange concept that I still didn’t see a God in. Something kept telling me that there was more to it. It was closer though, because compassion and acceptance are the most important aspects of personal and spiritual peace - the one thing I crave most.

Then Gary Zukav started making guest appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show. He believes in a higher entity, but his ideas were a little confusing to me. The one thing I did get from him, however, is how to stop making decisions based on fear. I practiced his mantra often. I found that my levels of anger decreased a lot during that time. I was closer than I’d ever been to being an authentic human being. But I had a ways to go yet!

I love the horoscope. It was the most profound and relevant message I had ever received. I heard it and knew that I needed to have kindness and acceptance for myself if I were ever going to reach my goal. It was the hardest leap, though, and one I could couldn’t seem to make. I have suffered from chronic depression for most of my life. Once I had that taken care of it, I could see things in a different light. I really am not a waste of breathable air!

So here is what I know for sure. Nothing is an accident. Everything that happens is supposed to happen. We are not sinners doomed to be judged by an angry God. We are a part of God. A part that is important and necessary in this universe. A part with meaning and intent. We are here to experience this individual existence for a while. When we have experienced enough, and learned what we needed to learn, we will return to the whole, and feel the oneness we so crave.

I know that this is not a new idea. I know that the man called Jesus tried to teach this two millennia ago. I know that many humans have since repeated the message. The message is true, but sometimes the messengers are confused, or maybe they had a worldly intent. The message is definitely there, and some can definitely hear it. Some day we will all know it.

For now, I will continue on. I know that the path is before me, even if I cannot see it. I know that God guides me, even if I do not follow. I know that everything is going to be ok.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Partners and Parenting

Wow, what a day it’s been. I didn’t get to make an entry yesterday because my daughter was using the computer for an English paper. I have a couple of ideas to write on rattling around in this head of mine, but I think I’ll write on my partners today.

Cassie came by for a visit, and it was really nice to see her. She was the best partner we've ever had! She will make a great teacher when she gets out of college because she has a real gift. I can't put into words how rewarding it is to know that she looks to me as an example of what to do.

It seems some partners think I am mean and useless. They are the unmotivated partners who think it's a sluff class and don't really like the students they are supposed to be working with. They like to write mean letters to my boss, who knows what the motive is, and while it is irritating, it never will drown out the voices of the partners who are here for the right reasons. The ones who will go on to teach; the ones who will someday shape public policy for people who have disabilities; the ones who will change attitudes and build roads for them; the ones who share my love for them; they're the ones that I will think of often. They're the ones whose opinions really matter.

Then my daughter came by because I wanted my last period partners to see who my daughter is, you know, because I’m proud of her. Well, it turned into a bit of a circus, but, oh well. I still like those partners. I do think, however, that I will have a little more work for them next Tuesday. ;)

My poor son though. His English teacher is still being a meanie. She’s one of those teachers who only likes good students who naturally learn easily. Poor thing doesn’t know that those students don’t really need teachers! They could learn just as well from a computer. A good teacher can teach all types. There are so few good teachers.

I’m gonna go home now. Good shows on tv tonight. IT’S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Yoga for What Ails Me!

Well, I did it. I went on my 7 mile jog/walk on Monday. Today I recovered with Yoga.

I didn't jog as much of it as I did last time I went. It was soothing though. I love the quiet and solitude. I ran into my daughter unexpectedly. She was in the park with her roommates. They were getting their pictures taken so they would have something more personal to decorate their apartment with. By the time I got home I was in some major pain. I feel much better now though. Yoga takes care of everything.

Tonight we did something I'd never done before. Shoulder pose. I was afraid at first, my head trying to explode all the time. But it was nice. I love the meditation at the end. It could be longer for my liking. I really should do more of it at home. With what time? But I do feel rejuvenated. Worth every bit of the $5.00 per.

Well, it's late, I'm tired, and 5:30 a.m. comes way too soon. The weekend approaches, we mustn't let it speak to us or it will cast it's spell! Too late!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Autism: Does Treatment Change the Individual?

“What do you think about the person you’ve become?” I asked him this morning. I had to reword and explain what I meant and why. I wanted to know if I had done the right thing by teaching him how to behave in society. I told him about he bloggs I have read online, that one of the people thinks that ABA, IBI or other similar treatments are contrary to what is best for some people with autism. Her point is that society should become more accepting and that parents should stop trying to make their autistic children better.

“It depends on the individual person!” he replied. Immediately, I knew I was about to hear something profound. “Some of the people who have autism” he continued “are ok with having to be taken care of, and don’t care at all what anyone else thinks. I want an independent life. I want to have all of the choices everyone else has. I need to know how to fit in so I can have the chance at an independent life.”

It’s a fine line, and one we all have to walk. How much of our own individuality are we to sacrifice in order to fit in and be independent productive members of society? How much of another’s individuality do we have a right to impede on to protect our own? What role does a disability have in our own individuality?

I work with profoundly disabled children. I have had the unique opportunity to observe the different personality traits that are connected to a specific disability. People who have Down’s Syndrome are typically stubborn , clever, and funny. The kids I have known who have FAS are slower and highly gullible, but sweet and innocent. Kids who have autism like the company of others, but on their terms, and they get a lot of laughs when they blurt out something that is totally off topic.

All of the kids I work with share one thing in common. Their behaviors set them apart from their peers. Even when those behaviors are entertaining, they build walls that prevent meaningful connections to the “typical” students. While our behaviors are reflections of who we are, we are not our behaviors. Teaching children who don’t automatically "get it" how to behave in socially accepted ways is not a way of changing them into automatons, it is a way of tearing down the walls that keep them separated from the rest of the world.

I would never want to take away the things that make my son who he is, I love who he is. Some of the things I like best about my self are things I see in him. I don’t want him to be one of the sheep, I just want him to know how to navigate successfully through the herd to get to his destination.

I have chronic depressive disorder. Becoming horribly depressed in the winter was a huge part of my behavior. People at work came to expect a flood of tears at least once during the school year. They were extremely accepting of my disability. But those behaviors became a part of who I was, and not a part I particularly liked. So I went to the doctor to get antidepressants. They worked! Without the depression I am a much more likeable person. Anyway, I like me better.

I guess what we have to keep in mind is this: If a person’s disability has a detrimental effect on what they want out of life, then we should give that person the tools they need to get around the disability. I don’t know anyone who has been changed by ABA or IBI. When these techniques are used correctly, they are very efficient and effective ways of giving people with disabilities (not just autism) the tools they need.

I don’t want disabilities wiped from humanity. The kids I work with are the BEST part of humanity! I do agree that we all need to be accepting of EVERYONE’S differences! ALL differences! I fear, however, that we are an evolutionary jump away from getting there. In the mean time, I will teach the ones I can to get along and be everything they dream of being. (even if that is a solitary life in a group home)

Monday, October 10, 2005

An Echo of History: My Rootless Existence

Last night my daughter came by and wanted to look up ancestral history on the computer. It is sad really. The only records we can find on most people are death records. They do contain social security numbers, but so many relatives have died without leaving anything more than vague memories or deep scars. Those of us who survive either do not know each other, or do not get along.

I guess it might have a little to do with the total lack of education members of my family received. Getting past the 9th grade is somewhat new to us. Graduating from high school was quite an achievement for some of my generation. Getting through college is a hope we have for our children.

A long history of child abuse has definitely taken its toll. I know that my maternal grandfather was a child molester, I was one of his victims. I know that at least one, if not both, of his sons are child molesters. Emotional, physical and psychological abuse run rampant. I don't really know how I managed to break the chain, but not all of my siblings and cousins did.

We do know tales and have some idea as to where to look. I hope she has lots and lots of time to get it done. She'll need it.

It should be fun to see if we can trace our lineage through the hillbillies, Chippewa, and poor Irish folk that make up my maternal line. My paternal side has more hope, at least on my grandmothers side. Some work has been done on my grandpa's side, but not much. He would not discuss his lineage much. He was always a little closed off, but I did get the impression that he was keeping a secret about something. It is a mystery, and who doesn't love a mystery?

Hopefully she loves a mystery, because her father's lineage isn't any better! At least her paternal grandmother is working a little on that side, but now she insists that she doesn't know who her son's father is. (2 out of her 3 children were fathered by unknowns - sad) A tough dead end there.

I shall continue on my path forward. I don't really need to know where everyone else has been to find the path I must take in my life. My buried roots are nothing more than a curiosity. I don't need to see them to know they exist. I don't need to know about my familial history to open the door to my future.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Casting Off Minutia, Praying for Path

It's fall again and I have fallen into old ruts. I have taken on tasks and responsibilities that have become so encumbersome that I am nearly at a standstill. It is once again time to sort through the minutia and recover the now obscured meaning in my life.

My first castoff will be my position at MVAS. It remains unclear to me how I became so entangled in something I am so inept at and uninterested in. It started as a means to socialize my son who has autism and spiraled into a job with no pay.

I will take up yoga and running again. They bring clarity to my mind. Through the silence they bring I will hear God's answer to my constant question "Which path?"

I will nurture my art. I am ready to paint now, the fear has subsided. There is no failure after all, just a learning curve. I will teach my hands to interperet what my heart sees. Paint and paint brushes are just another medium, just another tool I can learn to use.

My job! What will I do about my job? I am very good at what I do. For the past 12 years it has brought fulfillment and a sense accomplishment. But it feels empty now. I find myself wondering if it is still who I am or if it is now just what I do. Which Path? Please show me the path!

My son will graduate this spring and most likely move on to his own life without me. There will be nothing binding me to yesterday's truths. I will be free to experience tomorrow's adventures. No pressing committments, no all comsuming responsibilities. Where do I go from here? Which Path?

It is quiet now, and peaceful. The fall comes with rain. Old leaves are cast off so that new leaves may come in the spring. The winter between brings with it a search for a new path.