OK - Part 2 and stuff.

I have tried so hard to keep my spirits up today, but every time I hear someone laugh, even when it’s me, it just makes me mad. The good news is that I am not depressed, just annoyed with having to work when I feel so crappy. I got it from a student I work with. Got the first crud from him too. We’ve only been in school for 8 weeks, and I’ve been sick for most of that. It is really putting a crimp in my getting back to running routine. And oh, my gosh, is it getting annoying.

Well, I really contemplated not writing a part 2, but the way I feel today, I might as well. So, where was I?

Oh, yeah, I’m hopeless, or waiting for something around the corner. It is the big dilemma. I have often thought that I should just tell him about my crush and see what happens. But what if trying to make something happen here is the wrong thing to do? After all, his youngest is still in elementary school. My youngest is turning 18 next month. Do I want to do the family thing for the next 10 years? Or should I be holding out for the possibility of finding someone like me in my situation?

Someone who wants to rock climb, jump out of airplanes, go on a summer-long hiking expedition. Someone who doesn’t mind a mess, likes the ocean, loves green scenery. Someone who already has all the children he wants (that are grown) and isn’t turned off by my son’s disability. Someone who is still young enough to like being playful, and has some stamina.

Or do I want the opportunity to know what it is like to be a part of a real family, Dad, Mom and kids? Sometimes I find myself yearning for that. I’m not at all convinced that the one is exclusive of the other. Could I have the best of both worlds? Will I be expected to fit into his life, or can we fit into each other’s lives? I have to remember to hold on to me in the process. I’m always the quickest one to abandon me.

Part of my problem is that I keep obsessing on Mike. I guess it’s easier to spend my time in wishful thinking than go out there and see what I can find. To be honest, it scares the bujeebers out of me. What scares me more than anything is finding out that I have no worth after all, that there always has been, and always will be good reason to abandon me. I guess that scares all of us though. And I did promise myself that I would stop basing decisions on fear.

I don’t know why I should just assume that everyone will abandon me. I have a friend now whom I trust completely. More than one actually. The friends I had in the past were parts of my past. I am a different person now, and one that people generally like. It’s strange to have people in my life who actually respect me. But I guess that’s another blog.

But for now, I must decide what to do. I have been begging for guidance here for so long. So far my answer has been no. Maybe I should just accept no. If something is meant to be, it will be. Am I on the right path God?