Dora

Hi Dora! It was really nice to talk to you the other night. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but time is fickle and stingy. So I have led you to my most private thoughts, for I know I can trust you with them. It will take a long time to read it all, and I really don’t expect you to. But in this blog you will find the most important details of where I have been since you left, and where I am now. I am really looking forward to a time in the near future when we can catch up face to face, and you can meet the most amazing man I have ever known - and he can meet one of the best friends I have ever had.

......

Dale


I have posted a couple of pictures here, but bear in mind - he is not highly photogenic. I could not convince him to give me a real smile, so here is his “take my picture” smile. I have also posted a picture of me rock climbing, and having a lot of fun doing it too!

This blog thing is fun. I have not been posting much over the past month, but school will get out at the end of May, and I will definitely get caught up. I will have some really happy posts to offset the posts I wrote while I was depressed.

I really miss you and can’t wait to see you!

Dale and Maeve

Not the best angle, but(t) I was having fun!

Hi! I made it!

Shosone Falls April 29, 2006

Shoshone Falls April 29, 2006


Well, folks, the falls are booming this spring. I don’t know how much longer this will last, but if you are coming out this way, don’t miss it! This is a show worth seeing.

I thought we had a great flow when I posted the pictures a month ago. Check this out! They are awesome!

.......

Shoshone Falls April 29, 2006

.......

Shoshone Falls April 29, 2006

Dale

Things with Dale just keep getting better and better. I don’t spend any time worrying about the future or whether he really likes/loves me. I don’t have to! He shows me every day how important I am to him. I get to go on a cruise to Hawaii with him and his family this summer! I have never done anything like that before. And the fact that his mother jumped through hoops to get me on the ship after already having made all the arrangements says a lot! She and I have not met yet, and the fact that she was willing to do this says a lot about how Dale feels about me.

He did tell me that everyone sees how happy he is now. Everyone sees how happy I am now too.


Lynn

I just wish everyone could be happy for me. It is one of those terribly sad facts of life that I surrounded myself with people who enjoyed my misery. What is sad is that I didn’t know who they were until I fixed the part of my life that they feel they are lacking.

Lynn has been married forever. Her husband makes a more than comfortable living for her. She has the best of everything and never has to worry about money. Without all of those things, she would have nothing. Her life is empty where she needs it to be full, where my life is filling up now, and it is cutting so deeply.

She has been quite depressed this year, I have seen it worsen. If I were half the person I hope to be someday, I would handle things with her much better. But she has been very discouraging when it comes to my newfound happiness, and has even said things that reminded me a lot of things my mother might say. The things that only got said when Cheri was getting too happy, and needed to be brought down a peg or two.

Summer break is coming, maybe a few months apart will help during this time of change for me.


Zach

My son is graduating at the end of this month. I am so excited for him. No one ever worked harder for anything. He has a stick-to-it-ness that is unrivaled. He has a long hard road ahead yet, but I have no doubt in his ability to make it. He is definitely liking my new happiness. He really likes Dale. They are spending some time together doing things guys do. Little things that dads are supposed to do with their sons, but Zach’s dad never had time for. I think Dale kind of likes the idea of getting to be dad-like right now.

I guess time will tell the tale. And when it does, I’ll write it here.

Not all men are dogs!

It was a wonderful trip to Boise. I was treated like a priceless treasure, a princess to be pampered and wooed. We went shopping (for climbing gear), ate sushi, and climbed rocks. We walked to the sushi restaurant from our hotel. It was magical. I've been to Boise many times, even lived there for a while, but I'd never seen it like that before. I felt like a small town girl escaping to the big city!

The whole night was wonderful. I was completely swept off my feet. But I'm stupid sometimes. Sometimes it is better to just keep the big mouth shut. Especially when insecurity raises its ugly head. He's a kind and gentle man, and never sighed or rolled his eyes, but I know I gave him pause for thought. I suppose that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Yesterday I spent making Chicken Cordon Blue, Wild rice pilaf, roasted asparagus and apple dumplings for Easter dinner. My two children, my boyfriend, my dad and my neighbor were my guests. My neighbor and my son bagan discussing politics. She had my son going in no time and I couldn't get him to calm down. Dale left early. I felt so bad. That whole dinner was supposed to be about HIM, not her. I'm so mad at her that I will consider whether I should invite her again. That's sad. Unconditional Acceptance. Practice, practice, practice.

I haven't really messed anything up too bad, I guess. He is talking about how he will introduce me to his mother. I guess we'll see.

Fire and Ice

She stands so close to the fire that she can feel the heat of the embers touching her skin. The warmth is welcomed on this frigid night, and it thaws her frozen core. The numbness in her soul begins to subside. Her heart begins to beat. Her lungs begin to breath. Then, she remembers the storm that captured her life, and turned it into a sad and lonely ice sculpture.

So long she stood in the lonely silence that she had forgotten how wonderful it felt to move. She can move now, and feels more gratitude than she knew was possible. Even so, the fear begins to creep in. She remembers the sting of the storm, the pain that tortured her into stillness. The cruelness of the wind as it tried to knock her down and shatter her. What hidden strength bore her through the ravages of that evil winter? Does it still exist in her?

Her blood flows through her veins now, reaching out to each and every cell. Fear grips her. She loves the warmth of the fire, but doesn’t really trust it to last. If it leaves her, will she be able to withstand another winter? Fires are not dependable. They never have been. Only the winter is constant.

She is warm and alive now, and the thought of reverting back to ice is revolting. The fire could turn her to ash, and she could float on the wind for an eternity - or it could simply disfigure her, and leave her hopeless and empty.

What should she do? Should she trust this fire to burn? Should she return to ice? Should she jump into the fire? What will I do?

Pumpkin

Happy One Month Anniversary, Sweety!

It has been a month now, I can hardly believe it! In some ways it feels like I’ve known you my entire life, and yet, I really don’t know you at all. You’ve opened pathways in my soul that I didn’t know existed. You’ve led me through doors in my heart that give no escape. I’ve gone too far now to ever turn back, I’ve seen too much to ever want to leave.

I need you to walk with me now, through this unfamiliar landscape, and share with me the things it so freely offers. The flowers, bright and beautiful, perfume the air with joy and bliss. The sun warms the earth with love and safety, casting shadows of hope in our unknown future. The sweet rivers of happiness meander and twist through every moment. I shout my devotion to you from the highest mountain.

Your arms bring me the peace of knowing your love, your smile assures me of your devotion, and your kisses coax the butterflies in my heart to flutter with excitement. You’ve come to me now, at the end of an old life, ready to help me explore the best things that are yet to come. We celebrate the eve of us.

Dale is so sweet; I think I might actually be getting a toothache.

So, I got to rock climb on Saturday. It was a heartbreaking first half-climb as the shoes I borrowed were much too narrow and small to do anything but wish I could just die. But then Dale took put his climbing shoes on me and taped them up really well, and I discovered a fun like I’ve never known.

My toes magically gripped the smallest rock crevices, and lifted me into the next, my widespread hands caressed the rock and gave me leverage, and my fingertips grasp the tiny ledges and pull me along. I imagine it is a lot like being Spiderman. It is magic, a waltz with the rocks. And Dale kept me safe; I knew he would never let me fall.

We will go climbing again Thursday and Friday. He is planning to spend way too much money on me. He is so romantic and giving. He is exactly what I’ve always wanted, and so much more. I never knew how wonderful it really is to have someone who genuinely wants to take care of me. I never knew how safe it makes me feel to want to be taken care of.

His eyes are so blue.

He makes great mochas for in the morning, and serves me in bed.

He lays out my favorite fruits for breakfast.

He makes me peanut butter sandwiches for lunch.

He touches me as though he’s never known such beauty.
He loves me.

I love him.

It is a very happy beginning.

It's All Good!

It’s been nearly a month now, and I became suddenly scared. This is the time when I typically get dumped. The guys in my past have been so mean about it too. One day everything seems fine and great and I’m buying lingerie, the next day it’s over with no reasonable explanation. Sometimes not even a phone call. So I was scared. Dale is different than they were, I know that. A prolonged lack of sleep really messed with my head.

This week has been difficult; not sleeping enough coupled with the time change and Boom! Who am I and what did I do with Cheri? I am somewhat delusional and I know I am seeing rejection where exhaustion lives, boredom where needing sleep resides. I couldn’t help but wonder if he feels the same way?

But I took a nap yesterday. It was a well deserved, much needed and very welcomed nap, and it did wonders! I went to his house and reclaimed my butterflies. He looks deep into my eyes and my heart goes pitter patter. He’s still just as into me as he was, and I am so into him. No second guessing, no pushing, no clinging. This is a time for enjoyment.

Today I get to really enjoy! I get my first climbing lesson today after school. I am so excited! We’ll camp on his land tonight. It’s a great time to be alive! I’m so glad I didn’t give up too soon.

I love him, I love him, I love him! I’ll try hard not to watch the clock today. I know how the next five hours will go, how they will stretch into an intolerable infinity. Then the hours that follow will seem to be nothing more than a flash of lightening. In the end, I know that time is on my side. I have countless hours to wish for him, fleeting seconds to spend with him, but a lifetime to love him.

Spooning

Dale is so wonderful. I am head-over-heals in love with him. He says he feels the same way and I believe him. I have never felt so cared for, happy, excited, contented or hopeful. Yes, this is happening fast, but when it's right doubt never creeps in. And there is no doubt here. He is all I have ever wanted. I've never been in this place before, I intend to stay here forever.

I wrote him this poem, and I intend to write more for him, so - just bear with me here.

It's called

Spooning

In the dark we lie

My head nuzzled into the crux of your arm

Our fingers entangled at my breast

Your touch is gentle and comforting

The heat of your breath on my neck

Your hot flesh against my back

The rhythm of your beating heart

My hips cupped into yours

Our legs entwined

Our feet embrace

We are close

So close

Yet I long to be closer

I ache to become one with you

Two flames of one fire

Sharing the silence of the night