My blog was more interesting in the beginning. Before I had an audience. When it was still just a secret. I wrote of the deep pain I felt in the middle of my depressions. I don't know if I was more in touch with myself then, or just more honest about how I felt when I wrote.
There have been some dark times, indeed. It is also true that I have been terribly busy for the past year and a half learning the secrets of the human psyche. My psyche. I am closer to understanding who I am and why I keep getting stuck in the same ruts. I have been following the wrong pathways.
This blog is about the pathways in life that I have been following. When I started it, I really did think chasing down different forms of spirituality was how I would find my way. Now I know I must make my own way. The ruts I keep getting stuck in exist only in my head. It's time to pave some new super-highways in that brain, and I really do think I am doing that!
My hormones are at that point right now where anxiety usually takes me to places I should never go. But when it came this time, I immediately pushed it away. That's right, when the anxiety comes, don't let it take you down the path of fears and regrets. Instead, greet the anxiety, label it for what it is, and guide your thoughts toward the positive aspects of your existence.
It was kind of funny actually. Usually when I get the anxiety really bad, the first place I go is loneliness. But when it came this time, I reminded myself that I am not lonely. I am enough for me. I have so much going on right now, where would I find the time for a relationship? I really don't want one, they are too much work and I have grown too selfish. I don't have time to add someone else's distinctiveness to my own!
It also helps to accept that I always have what I need, not because of the good graces of someone who takes care of me (my grandpa has been gone for many years now and I am doing fine) or some supernatural entity, but by my own resourcefulness. It really brings a lot of peace to trust that I can take care of myself. I don't know why I should have ever doubted that or given credit for that resourcefulness away. I own it, and I am claiming it!
I am beginning to see that now, as I step out of my self-imposed prisons, I am finding joy, not fear, in my freedom. I came close to giving that freedom away, but I didn't. And I won't.
I have no money, but I do have a job. My house is not aging gracefully, but it keeps me warm and dry. I can't have the best foods known to humankind, but my belly is full. The air may not be pure, but when I breath in deeply, and blow out slowly, all my tensions melt away. I may not always know where I am going, but I know I am.
Book Signing This Thursday in Rhinebeck
1 week ago
Oh, you've had an audience for longer than you think. It's just that, now, you're aware of that audience. Or, at least, more aware. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteI have a tiny audience, and I find that it helps motivate me to keep posting. But at the same time, I love the anonymity that I have there. I am more real in my blog than I ever can be in Real Life, and that has been incredibly cleansing and healing.
ReplyDeleteIt's the audience that is also my family that I think about most when writing now days. I am still unsure of how far I can really push things. I guess in the end it will all come out anyway, why not here?
ReplyDeleteI just know that when I read some of my earlier posts, they seem more meaningful to me. I need to find that again.