Dear Universe, please let my bbq'd chicken be cooked...

the coals are dying and I don't want to start anymore

Guess who came to stay with me over the 4th?  Only the cutest mom in the whole world and her precious little baby!  I tried to have a really big "come see the baby" party, and I did get some people to stop by.  My brother Jay and our dad Lyle came.  My sister didn't come.  She said she was coming and then at the very last minute texted me that the engine light came on in her car and the engine was about to blow!  My brother Robert was supposed to come, I still don't know why he didn't.

Megan, Ellie and I stopped by to see aunt Bitsy.  I watched her while she  held Ellie.  I learned something too.  Babies like to have their bellies rubbed!  I didn't know that - not after two kids of my own!  When I was little my mother wouldn't let me hold babies or handle them in any way.  I was clueless when I had Megan - I really had no idea what I was doing!  I couldn't help but think that if my aunts had been around back then I would have been a much better mom.  Megan my not have had that month of colic!  I would have been calmer and more stable, I'll bet.  But, that's the past.

Ellie has the most amazing smile.  Megan has the prettiest smile in the world, but Ellie might give her some competition.  Today I went to Fred Meyer to buy some food, and I saw a smile that reminded me of Megan.  When I looked closer, the girl didn't look anything like Megan, but I still got on the "I miss my baby" track.  I'll be ok though.  maybe.

On Saturday (July 3) Zach and I met Megan and Steve and his sister Emily in Buhl for the annual sagebrush fun run and walk.  This is our second year as a family competing in this. (competing lol).  Last year Megan and I started out slow, then at about 1 mile we picked up the pace and passed boatloads of people.  This year, we were 3 minutes late for the start!  We still ended up passing a lot of people, and that was with Megan still not being in shape for the race (hey - she just had a baby).  But at the end of the race, they give out door prizes, and Megan got the best one ($5 worth of coupons at arctic circle) and I got the worst (an ugly shirt).  I really wanted the beans!  or the compost!  but I got a dumb ugly shirt. 

Zach and Steve were competing against ISU cross country runners this year, so neither got first place in their age group! Maybe next year.

I took a couple of pictures of Ellie.

Blogger is not a happy place for me. I tried to down load pictures all weekend and I have only finally got enough here to post. So, if you want to see the rest, you have to look at my facebook album. I know! what a chore, huh?

Triggers

A while back - before the family reunion, I worried that something might not go quite right.  Then I went and re-united with so many wonderful people and decided that it was all just fuss.  My dad Lyle has been calling and getting together with me and my kids and things have been really good!  Except for that nagging something. 

People have been telling me that they feel so bad about not being able to protect my sister and I from our mother.  My dad actually stayed married to her for a long time to protect us, but there wasn't much anyone could do.  I have come to terms with that.  I understand exactly why no one could separate us from her.  Those were different times and the law looked unfavorably on separating children from their mothers.  Abuse was also defined differently in those days (sad things is that things haven't come as far as one would hope).  I am at peace with that.

What I didn't realize, is that even though I have come to terms with it, I spent a great many years venting to anyone that would listen, over and over, and I felt plenty sorry for myself.  I really thought I was all past that too!  However, I found myself falling back into bad relationship patterns.  The only reason I realized what was happening is because I am working with a new client and we went over the red flags that warn us we are betraying ourselves.  I was falling back into the blaming and victim mindset.  Hearing all those people say they felt sorry for me re-activated those bad neural pathways!  It is a never ending fight - isn't it?  It's sad when one realizes things about oneself that are frightening!  I caught it - and before it cause any damage!! 

My sister isn't me.  She lives in victim hood - blaming everyone else for her problems (especially, but not exclusively our mother).  She did break up with Dale - but has now decided to marry someone else.  She knew him when she was in junior high.  I don't remember him at all - and I really have to doubt that they were really that close then.  But she insists that this marriage is 30 years too late.  My question is that if they were really so good together and "fated" to be together, why haven't they been?  She looks really bad.  The alcohol (and many suspect meth) are taking their toll on her.  I can't help but wonder why a man would marry a woman who is so lost?  Does he believe he can save her?  Does she?  Her reason for not coming to meet Ellie and see Megan after all these years was strange.  So many red flags, so little growth.  I wonder what her triggers are.  What keeps her down.  I wonder if she will ever be ok.

Well, I guess that's all for her to figure out.  I just better keep a close watch on me.

I painted a little yesterday!  I bought some grapes today, and now I can figure out how to make my grapes painting better.

I have been getting an awful lot of traffic my my Did You Know Kimberly Ann Payton post.  Problem is, it wasn't good traffic. I had dedicated that post to her family as a kind of memorial where people all over could write about a fond memory, post pictures and links, etc.  Last week, a visitor - who uses a computer from landview fertilizer under the name of Brian Davis - has been using the comments section to question the validity of the police investigation against Nathan Jacobson.  He even got a little rude about it and hurt someone who loved Kim.  I put a stop to it.  Now I have enabled comment moderation for any posts older than 14 days.  So if you comment on an older post you will get the message that the post will be read by the blog administrator before being posted.  I think it's sad I had to do that.

Well, the chicken was perfectly cooked!  You don't think....I mean, really....I couldn't....
Well, why not?

Dear universe, please let me with the powerball jackpot tomorrow!  I'm old, and tired, and running out of time to vacation in all of those great places I've always wanted to see.