Ellie Mae

Here are some of those pictures I promised. She is such a beautiful baby! I love how she squeaks when she is letting us know she isn't happy. She cries a little, but not a lot. She is already curious about everything and spends a significant amount of time looking around and staring at her mom and dad.

Welcome Ellie!

Ellie was born on 5-12-10 at 8:11pm, 7lbs 4oz, 19 1/2" long. She is as beautiful as she is loved. Mom and baby are doing well. Ellie has a great dad, and Megan a great husband in Steven. She was born awake and alert, just like her mommy was. Lots of dark curly hair and happy to know she can still suck on her fingers and touch her face, which seem to be the only things that remind her of her life inside the womb!

May 7, 2010

Wait a minute - it stopped snowing!
Flowers blooming, grasses growing,
Birds are chirping - Gee that's better.
Looks like someone read my last post letter!

Ok - Where did my muse go?

May 6, 2010

I looked out my window and what did I see?
Not popcorn popping on the apricot tree!

No really, folks - it's MAY for crying out loud.  This climate change is starting to really bum me out!  Look, I'm 46 now, and I'm used to having nice weather in May.  That's how it's been for most of my life and I don't like this change.  We should be having thunder storms, or sunshine.  Maybe even some hail.  BUT NOT SNOW!  I HATE SNOW!  (By the way, this picture was taken from my office window at ISU! - There was an earthquake in Utah a couple of weeks ago and I was up here when it happened.  I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden I felt the earth moving all around.  I just thought it was menopause.  It turned out to be an earthquake that people on the third floor or above in hi-rise buildings - at ISU - could feel)

To top it all off - I have a cold!  Well, I always get sick at the end of the semester, so I guess I can't really complain.  But I am complaining because if Ellie comes this week, I won't get to help welcome her home!  I just can't risk making her sick.  And she could come any day - that's what Megan's doctor says.  And everyone is so excited to get to meet her.  She is going to be so cute, and lovable, and huggable and happy!

The good news is I'm nearly done with grading.  I think.  And I have some goals set for next year.  This summer will be spent getting my proposal ready so that I can propose at the end of August and get all of my participants run during the fall semester, do all the statistical analyses and defend by spring!  Hey, it could happen.  All I have to do is work my butt off!  Sounds like fun!

I had to come to school early today for the 101 final (to give it, not take it).  I woke up at 3:00 am and couldn't get back to sleep (cold/menopause combo?).  At about 5:45 I dozed off.  I was sitting with some school friends (though my awake mind has no idea who the people in my dream were), and I told a funny joke.  I don't remember the joke, it's just as well, it probably wasn't funny.  I looked at the clock and it was 7:03. I jumped up to get ready to go, because I had to be at school at 7:30 am. (I am still dreaming).  I went into the bedroom area to see that water was gushing out of all of the vents!  Things were getting soaked.  I picked up Zach's backpack (which looked suspiciously like mine to my waking mind), and put it on the bed.  I was somewhat upset because I had to go to school, I had all of the tests!  Luckily, I have this amazing ability to wake up, which is just what I did.  And in time to get to school and get the tests to the students.

I still hate the snow.  Especially on May 6, 2010!

Is that the horizon I see?

I am almost at the halfway point in grad school, and  I might actually make it!  Megan is nearly ready to have a baby, and what a lucky baby she is.  My past is knocking at the door, and I will be letting it in.  There is something off in the distance - is that the horizon I see?

I went to see Megan last weekend.  It's almost time for Ellie to be born.  I wish I could be there more.  I really miss my baby. We had some fun, though.  We didn't get much shopping in.  It is getting a little more difficult for Megan to get around these days, what with swelling ankles and all.

I don't know what to think about my life right now.  I have been spending a lot of time in Pocatello - I can't imagine having to live there forever.  It really is a depressing little town.  I miss my Twin Falls.  But, school is nearly done for the semester, and while I still have to spend a significant amount of time writing and re-writing my thesis proposal, I do intend to take more pretty pictures and really learn how to use my camera.  I also plan to do some painting and finish a few of them so I can have something to put on the bare walls in my new house.  I also need to finish getting all of my stuff over here as well.  I will also be spending as much time as Megan can stand with visiting her and helping her with her baby.  It should be a good summer.

I've been spending a bit of time on facebook lately.  Kim found all of the Cummins family a couple of months ago, and I am now back in touch with bunches of them.  And my step dad has been reading about me on my blog.  I guess I didn't scare him off with anything I wrote!   It seems strange to have so much of the past coming back.  I am excited to get to know everyone again, but I have to wonder if I am strong enough to walk through my troubled past.  I am a little scared to be honest.  It might really be good for me.  I'll bet there are things that all of these people remember about me that are really good.  It can't hurt to be reminded of good things that happened when I was a kid - in fact that might actually help.

My mother's brother is staying with my dad and me right now because he is about to go through a nasty divorce.  I have been really mean to him, and I find myself feeling really embarrassed about it.  I'm not sure where this animosity is coming from.  He looks a lot like my mother, and doesn't seem to get how horrible she was to me.  Sometimes he says something about how I remind him of her.  I don't like hearing that crap.  He also could be reminding me of my mother's father who molested my sister and me one night.  He tends to seriously embellish the truth with un-truths.  I really don't know what to think of him, but I know I don't like me when I am mean to him because he really has been really nice to me.  I can't stand that he smokes in my house when I'm in Pocatello.  The whole house reeks when I get home - it makes me sick to my stomach.

I need to go see my brother.  He contacted me through facebook, and I said I'd call him, but I have really had to do a lot of homework and stuff.  I feel really bad about it.  I know he is feeling down and out right now.  I'd like to be able to help if I can.

I learned a lot in physiological psychology and prenatal development this semester.  I hope to get another acquisition post up this summer, and a book review (it's already written - I just want to wait until it is graded to post it), and I have a soapbox post coming about oxytocin and defensive behaviors in autistic people.  It should be good.

And of course you can expect tons and tons of baby pictures - just as soon as I get to take them!

Babies

I found some pictures of my sister when we were young. She didn't have any pictures of herself because the woman who gave birth to us is a mean selfish person. I had a few to give to Kim so she can see some truths about herself. Like she was beautiful. When I look at this baby picture, I can't image not wanting to pick her up and hug her and play with her and give her kisses. How could anyone not absolutely adore this baby?

Then I was looking through pictures of Megan because I wanted to compare them to Ellie's 4D pics. It turns out (and I don't remember this) but Megan stuck her tongue out all the time just like Ellie is doing in the ultra sound. I also didn't remember Megan having pudgy cheeks either. But she did. I think Ellie might look just like her mommy! I wonder if she will have that hair too?

I also found the diary I wrote for Megan the first year of her life. I don't really remember that much of Megan's first year, but reading this diary really brought a lot back. I'm glad I wrote it. I wish I had written more. That is what makes blogs so darned neat. Megan can chart all of Ellie's progress with pictures and videos and everything. That will be neat. I hope Megan likes the diary I wrote for her - even if it does end badly. Apparently Megan was being a brat the day I wrote the last entry. She was a rather precocious little girl. I loved that about her - apparently not in the moment - but in general.

One of the more curious bits of information in the journal is that Megan's due date was April 18, and she was born on the 1st. I had always thought (because I know when I got pregnant) that her due date was April 4. But if she was 18 days early, then that makes 2 out of 2 babies of mine that were born 2 or more weeks early. So, who knows, maybe Ellie is planning a finals week entrance!

I might add more later, but for now I have to go.

Baby Shower

Megan's baby shower was yesterday. A lot of people came, though not all came who were invited. It was ok, though, because if even one more person came, there wouldn't have been room for us all. Megan is looking very pregnant these days. Only a month and a half left! It was so good to get to see her again.

Big Brother in Texas

I don't really understand how one state can set the standards for textbooks for all of the United States, but here it is! Revised history at work, just like in 1984. Some one else commented that reality is liberal (source amnesia). It may be the only way conservatives have to make sure they continue to enjoy power through the future - by controlling the minds of the future via revisions of history. I am starting to think there really is no hope for this country - or humanity.

Frustration

Making baby shower invitations is much easier than printing out envelopes. That's how it turned out anyway. I got so frustrated trying to get my computer to print the envelopes. It turns out you really can't print one just to see how it goes. You have to print them all and hope for the best.

So, The baby shower is coming soon, as is the baby. I wish I could spend more time with my daughter during her pregnancy. Seeing her once or twice a month doesn't cut it. But that's how it goes.

I have two presentations to do next week. I haven't even read for the one one on Wednesday, but the one one Monday just needs to be sorted out and put on power point. Then, the week after is spring break for me. During spring break I have to prepare a presentation for physio - but I think I can handle that. What is pressing is that I have to read a book and do a presentation on it, and I have to do a serious research project and a presentation before the end of the semester. I have been so busy, and it doesn't seem to be slowing down any times soon. I hope I can get through this school stuff so I can get on with my life. Pocatello sucks.

I was late paying Zach's rent this month - it's hard to do. If I forget on the appropriate weekend it gets bad. They started harassing him and threatening to evict him, even though they know I pay the bill. They were being mean.

These little updates are kind of boring, I think. I am hoping to have some time to write something of substance soon. I will definitely share the book I am reading, and I would really like to share some things I learned about confirmation bias and goal setting and how when we set a goal we look for and see things that help us to get to our goal. I read the Alchemist a couple of years ago, and it has this stuff written all over it. I really want to write it.

I need to do my art too. I really miss it. I haven't been able to get my piano from the old house to the new house and that bugs me. I wonder if I can even play my songs anymore. Hopefully I really can get my masters in just two years. I can do one more year of this, but I doubt I have more than that in me. I'm tired and I want to relax in my new house.

I guess this is kind of a downer post, but that is just because I struggled so much making envelopes. I should have just written them by hand. I am trying to transition from that to doing my presentations - I don't know if that is really going to happen. We'll see.

My phone has returned!

I lost it on January 26th outside the plant science bldg when I slipped in the snow. I was so worried about looking like a klutz that I hurriedly got up and continued on my way - not even looking to see if I dropped anything.

That day, my son and a client received text messages from my phone.

"Hey i just found this phone on the ground outside on the isu campus and you were the last person to text it, do you have a way of contacting the owner?"

My client had no way of contacting me outside of texting/calling, and texted him back. Zach had no clue what was going on. He didn't get any of the information as to how I could get my phone back, and got confused about what was happening. He came to the conclusion that someone stole my phone and started texting threats about turning the person in to law enforcement. Apparently the person wasn't impressed.

This morning someone started calling me and said they had found it in the parking lot behind Holt Arena. They brought it right to me. The back plate is missing, but it works and I have my contacts back.

I was so excited to see it again. I have been using it (it still had a charge) and now I remember what a pain in the backside it really is.

Still, it is a happy ending to a frustrating situation.

Megan and Steve are having a baby

Working Memory Loss

What kind of amnesia would that be? That was supposed to be funny. My guess is, I missed the mark. I can't even remember where the mark is lately. A drop of perimenopausal hormones, combined with a good dose of reading bushels of research articles, mixed with a peck of living in a drug infested rat hole of an apartment building that fails to provide me with the internet connection I paid in advance for, a sprig of wishing I could actually set up house in my new house, a dash of dashing between homes and jobs, and a heap of missing my baby girl who is having a baby girl of her own are taking their tole. I hope that made sense. I tried to go back a re-read it, but I forgot what the beginning said long before I got to the end.


I've taken on the law. Well - not like a superhero or anything that anyone would make a move out of (maybe an episode of some drama series?). I remember working with at risk teens when I worked at the school district. I remember that they put on a tough face in front of their peers. I remember that if I gave them the time and respect, they would show me who they really were. I also remember colleagues who seemed unable to see anything but the tough facade. A thirteen year old girl who becomes pregnant is a victim of molestation in the eyes of the law. Just because she can't see it doesn't mean it isn't so. If she wants to keep her baby, people should be willing to help her make that happen, and not make problems with the law where none actually exist! I won't let them punish her for taking care of her baby, and I won't let them take her baby as long as she is doing such a good job taking care of it herself! I hope I can become a superhero for this girl. What is happening to her is just wrong. She really needs a break and some support from the community she lives in. Can I make them see?

A baby shower is in the works! This weekend My baby girl and her baby bump are coming to visit - now that she doesn't have to work at Pizza Hut anymore. We will be doing some shopping - she needs pants that actually fit her now! And we will be thinking about this baby bedding set that she wants. And decorations that match. Then, in a couple of weeks, I will be heading to Boise for the 3D ultrasound. Then, in March, I guess, there will be cake and presents and silly little games. It'll be fun! Then, you know what happens in May, don't you? BABY ARRIVES!

Zach told me to stop writing about him, so no Zach update. (Am I being a little snotty? Yes!)

One of my jobs as a grad student is to come up with a research project for my thesis. I have been working on that - it hasn't been easy - but I think I am making some progress. I have to chat with my advisor about it, and hopefully get things going. That means a lot more reading and a ton of writing. People will need to volunteer to be experimented on and math will have to be done (eventually). In the end, I can say I did it! But, until I can say I did it, I am not going to write about it here. You never know who might be reading. What if it is a really good idea and someone steals it from me! Ok - yeah - right. But eventually, I do hope to have something to report

The superbowl sucked. Actually the Viking game before the superbowl sucked. Peterson was awesome all year, then he gets the superbowl jitters and starts making mistakes again. He'll grow out of it, no doubt. Brett was surprisingly composed! The Saints were all about taking him out, and, except for the last pass, he managed to stay pretty mistake free. I kind of see this Brett thing as an analogy for me right now. I am a little old to be in grad school doing what I am doing. There are so many young and beautiful kids here and they have no problem out-performing me. But I am here. I am doing my best. But I don't really feel like I am fitting in so well. I didn't feel this way as an undergrad - so I don't know why it is bothering me now. But it would be really easy for these young folks to come in and take me out. Not that they will or anything - but I doubt they know or care how hard it is to be doing this at my age and at this junction in my life. I do plan to make it to the grad student superbowl, however.

It's 6:30 now. I have fallen behind in my sleep quota, and still have some research articles to read tonight, oh, yeah, and a paragraph to write about prenatal development. I can't even begin to tell you all how much fun my prenatal development and Physiological Psychology II classes are! I am starting to tire of the false nature vs nurture dichotomy - but I think that is the point these teachers are trying to make right now. I got an extra credit point for making a good point on my paper. Here is what got me the point:

Do these articles really show that DNA is not responsible for [environmental] variability? According to Ryan and Vandenberg (2003), "IUP [intra-uterine placement] accounts for a large amount of variability that is not genetic in origin" (p. 674). It is possible, however, that the genome is designed in such a way that environment must play a part in the development of the organism. The genome may be an "if - then" mechanism that requires input from the fetal environment to do its job. With this type of mechanism, some genes are turned on and off in response to environmental factors. This epigenetic code might be passed on to future generations; however, it would seem more likely that each generation would develop its own epigenetic expressions in order to survive in their environment. Does the epigenetic expression of characteristics override the genome, or is the genome programmed for environmentally guided epigenetic expression of characteristics? The growing body of evidence is showing that all life on this planet, and the environment it shares, plays a significant role in the expression of adaptive characteristics. Perhaps genes are not necessarily goal directed for reproduction, but instructions that allow organisms and species to adapt in an ever changing environment.

I was tired when I wrote that the first time. I am even more tired now. I really hope it makes as much sense as I intended. Well, it got and extra point!

I went baby shopping today

It's a Girl!

So, what do you think, Megan? I really liked the dress. They were all on clearance. I am really looking forward to getting together with you soon and do some of this shopping together.

No. 2 BSU

BSU wins the Fiesta Bowl - again. And people here are just as worked up over it now as they were in 2007. Fireworks shooting off. People Screaming Boise State in a street not far from here. You know, the usual red-necked Idaho behavior. Lot's of beer was consumed here - I have no doubt of that. I went to the store earlier today and a couple was shopping. The girl asked the guy which item he thought she should buy, and he said he didn't know why they had to buy anything. When he goes to watch a game he goes to watch a game. Ah, Idaho.




I think more people stayed here this time, though. Either that or I just didn't pay as much attention to the non-stop press. Well, to be fair, we haven't been getting KTVB this week. That helped. That station is the most annoying fan of boise state broncos in the world. You would think that the newscasters all have children attending BSU. They kind of remind me of pre-teen groupies. They used to be that way with Mayor/Governor Kempthorn. It's embarrassingly pathetic. I suppose I could move to another state, but I don't know how I would get my house and family to go to. I guess I'll just have to turn the tv off and pretend KTVB doesn't exist.

The fox sports announcers say BSU is number 2, I guess because TCU was ranked no. 3, though how can anyone know when there are no real playoffs? Just some guys in an office somewhere making subjective calls - ranking teams based on ????. You don't suppose this is done to protect the egos of rich parents of football players in the big private schools, do you? I'm just saying. Not that BSU is really that great. Having such a good winning record probably doesn't really mean anything anyway. Besides, BSU only won this game by one touchdown - an uncharacteristic near loss for the team that is usually two or three touchdowns ahead in the first quarter (that is not a real statistic - just a facetious comment on my part).

So now football at BSU will continue to thrive, and all the best players in Idaho will sign with them, and ISU will continue to flounder in the BSU bronco nation wake. Too bad BSU doesn't have an educational program to match its football team (what am I saying? BSU football is BSU, isn't it?). Of course, if Idaho legislators don't pull their republican heads out of their conservative anuses, ISU won't have a decent education program for much longer either. Why bother? Who really needs a school with a losing football team anyway?

Real footage of Bloody Mary! No Kidding!

You know how skeptical I am, but after seeing this, I am a true believer!



I got this from Zach at exactly the right time today. I just finished my finals and am about to embark on grading the second half of a large stack of papers. I actually did laugh out loud, I wonder of passers by wondered what was so funny in that office?

Some new crap

I figured I'm logged in, might as well write something.

I have had trouble with my blogger account the last several weeks. I clicked a link that was supposed to show how your blog would look to a colorblind person. I didn't even think about it, there was a blogger sign in screen and I signed in. Then I realized that it wasn't actually a blogger site - I figured phishing! So I got into blogger and changed my password. Then I couldn't get logged back in. So I sent a message to blogger folks asking them to change my login username. Then, for some unkown reason I got logged in. Then I got the new operating system and couldn't get logged back in. Turns out, they changed my username. So, with any luck, I won't have problems again. At least not for as long as I can perform tasks with cognitive functioning equal to what it was just a couple of years ago!

The day came when it was time to pay for an office license. A fellow student told me about the ultimate steal where a student can get office for a lot less than anywhere else. I check it out, and I was impressed. A guy in my office had been telling me how wonderful Windows 7 was and it just so happened that for about $30 I could upgrade from Vista. So, I went for it.

Well, my vista wouldn't upgrade to 7. So, I installed the all new windows 7. I backed up all of my files (not too many yet because it is still a new computer - but I did have 4G if pictures!). Then I installed the new operating system and wiped out all of the cool drivers that made my computer cool. So, I have been spending my week trying to download drivers from HP so I can have my computer back. It is a long, slow, painful process, but I am getting it done.

I like the version of Office that I got, and some of the drivers I am downloading now are actually better than what I had before. The volume control still doesn't work right, though, and I am sure there is another driver somewhere that will fix it.

The semester is winding down, and I have been assigned to be a regular GTA next semester - something I am really happy about. I don't have anywhere near the number of hours I am supposed to have. I haven't turned down any work (well a couple of times I had to turn down working at the front desk, but that's it) and I still am really short. At large is not a happy place for me. I like to know what I am to do. I am a planner. I plan! I plan to get plenty of hours as a regular GTA next semester. Oh, and I am also going to work on my research project over the break so that I can get a grant proposal in by April and get my study going! My name in print? That would be fun, wouldn't it?

Thanksgiving went well. Megan and Steve came on Friday, and Dad invited my Brother and his wife and daughter. We ate turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. I had to throw green beans in the microwave at the last minute because I forgot the corn on the cob my dad wanted. I forgot to get the rolls ready to bake. I did get all of the pies baked, though. I think it went pretty well. It was weird not to have Zach though. He spent Thanksgiving in Boise with his dad. He is supposed to come back on Saturday. I wonder if he misses me at all?

Megan's pregnancy continues to progress normally, but we won't know what color to buy until Jan 5. That is when they will do the ultrasound that will be good for finding out if it is a boy or girl. Megan is starting to show, but like all pregnant moms, she thinks it looks a lot like fat. Nope. It's baby, baby!

I found a new art sight where the guy shows how to paint with thick paint. I'm all excited because I have this little tiny painting I am working on that will be a toucher! Thick paint, scratchy lines. Well, that's what it is right now. Now I want to paint a stump, and some chickens. The scratchy lines all feel like weeds and I want the stump to feel like bark, and I want the chickens to feel like painted chickens. (I don't think I can make paint be all soft like feathers!)

So, Three more tests and three weeks off (sort of - remember do have to research my research project!)

Oh, and I really haven't been able to see a huge difference with the new operating system. Yes, start up is a little faster, and even though I complained about it before, it really wasn't that big of a deal. Maybe once I get it all done I'll like it better. It just seems that all I have done this week is tweak computer crap.

yes - I said crap.