This, too, shall pass.

Thank you Jim. Your words mean a lot to me. I know that this too will pass, I just wish it would pass more quickly. Today is a better day. My heart is not so heavy and I can see hope. I am not crying today, yet I do still feel anxiety from time to time. I am clear headed, so now is a great time to write down the logical side of this break-up so I can refer back to it on the bad days, as bad days have a way of popping in from time to time.

It is a list of the pros and cons of Dale.

I miss him.
I don’t miss him as much as I missed me when I was with him.
I really miss climbing.
I can find another climbing partner, and probably one who won’t expect me to help him/her put up new routes.
I love him.
I loved what he made me believe he was. That person doesn’t not exist. That person lived only in my mind. Who am I kidding? I didn’t love him, I lusted for him. There is a difference. I could already see things that I knew would bother me in the worst ways once I grew used to him. And love has to be a two way street. How can I love someone who doesn’t love me for me. As long as I “behaved myself” I was wonderful. But as soon as I “acted up” I bummed him out and he didn’t know how much more “we” could take.
I am lonely without him.
I would have been lonely without hope if I had stayed with him and married him.
He could be so kind and generous to me.
He could be cruel and hateful. It would have become so much worse as time went on. No addict can avoid causing pain to the most important people in their lives. And oh, did he have a mean streak.
He was a warm lover.
When he could love me. And he was also a little on the boring side.
I loved his friends.
He hated my son.
I really miss climbing.
I already said that. Hey, there are other climbers around here. Find them.
I don’t want to lose the conditioning that was happening with my body.
Then don’t. Get out there and move. You know how to do this.

Ok, so there aren’t any good reasons to miss this relationship. Right now, I can’t even think of one reason why I should even miss him. It must be another brain thing - you know - caught in a feedback loop. So let’s reboot.

Why should I be relieved? So many reasons - many already mentioned. And I will have time to finish my paintings, and start some new ones. I can watch my favorite tv shows. I can start my novel now. And now, thanks to Dale, I know what happens that puts Beth on that ledge, and I will have some good ideas for getter her off of it.

I have my life back. I have me back. I am alone again, but that’s not new. If I am going to find someone to spend my life with I have to actually live my life. So I will live it. Which means I will continue to put myself out there and make mistakes. Some will be small, but some will be huge, and will hurt like hell. But I will make them and I will learn from them.

Eventually, I will get it right.

Grief

There are moments when I can scarcely breath. My heart pounds out an attack, then retreats, leaving me cold and ruined. I force breath deep into my lungs, probing for proof of life, then the air leaves me in utter anguish.

Oh the tears - how they strive to drown me in my sorrow. My grief wraps around my neck and strangles my hope. For that is what I mourn for, my hope. It was snatched from my bosom in one sure and callus blow. I wander aimlessly through the forests of desperation, calling to the one for guidance.

No answers come to me now. I stumble and fall. Then I drag myself to my feet, only to stumble and fall again. My skin bleeds, my muscles cramp, but they are no match for the desperate ache I suffer.

All that is left is the echo of emptiness, an absolute loneliness that feels so familiar. I bid my heart to resume beating. I beg for solace from the hurt. I pray for a reprieve from the darkness.

Time, they say, is the cure. Time and again I have waited. Time and again, I have trusted a hope for naught. Time and again, time betrays me.

Where is my gratitude? Where is the joy I once knew? Where is my hope? I long for them so.

The guru was always inside.

I didn’t need to climb the mountain to find my way. All of the answers were already there for me, waiting for me to see them. They were there from the very beginning, red, and waving brightly, desperately warning me of my own weakness. I didn’t want to see them.

“I didn’t want to know more, I would be disappointed if you were different than my mind made you out to be.” That’s what I wrote of our first date. But you are different. You are and addict, and alcohol is your only love.

Did you tell me that in the beginning? You told me your mother accused you of being alcoholic, but then qualified it by saying she doesn’t drink, and thinks everyone who does is an alcoholic. You hid your illness from me for a while, long enough to lure me in. I can’t help it, I do love you, but I won’t be a part of this anymore.

Yes, you told me you smoke marijuana, and even got in a tangle with the law. I don’t have any moral objections to marijuana, I don’t feel it is any more harmful than alcohol or cigarettes. You promised to keep it completely away from me, but you couldn’t keep that promise, could you? You are addicted to that too.

How many times do I have to see this illness before I can finally recognize it in the beginning? My mother, my father, my grandfather, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, my ex-husband. To be honest, I can only think of a handful of people in my family who are not addicted to alcohol or some other drug. I have seen this all of my life, been hurt repeatedly by it, and still I stick my head in the sand and refuse to acknowledge it. So much wishful thinking. I deserve this heartache.

I should have shielded my children from you. I really thought that your behavior towards my son would change once you got to know him and understood autism better. Silly me. This weekend I saw you treat your brother with the same contempt I saw you treat Zach with, and I knew better. The pain festered, and once again I hid it away and tried to ignore it. All of the things you lectured Zach and me about rattled in my head. You hypocrite! Zach has never treated me or anyone else as disrespectfully as you treat your brother and mother with. He is a better man than you are, even at his age. He doesn’t need to change. And neither do I.

Even Megan wasn’t really good enough in your eyes. Her spirituality, her goals, somehow were not in line with what you thought they should be. Not good enough. Was anything about me good enough? You expect everyone else to change to fit into your world. How is your life Dale? How happy have your convictions made you? How many people have actually decided that what you thought was best for them was really what was best for them?

I was reminded this week that I tend to alter my behavior in order to fit in. I commonly put myself aside to be accepted. I did that again with you, I am ashamed to say it, but it is true. That was what I spent so much time crying about. Not anymore. I deserve to be loved and accepted for who and what I am. I am a kind, sincere, compassionate woman who only wants to find someone who is kind, sincere, and compassionate.

I hate who I was when I was with you. I was afraid to express my opinion, my feelings, because you were so quick to put me in my place. I am not a coward, my family and friends have reminded me of this repeatedly over this week, and I will not give in to you any more.

I’m sorry you feel you invested too much into this relationship. You bought me some things, poly pro pants and hiking boots, that I cannot pay you for right now. You can keep them for what it’s worth. At least you didn’t buy the tickets to Hawaii. I don’t know what to say about the money to get added onto the cruise. I didn’t ask for any of it, you spent the money because it was what you wanted.

I’m not sorry, though. I wanted this relationship to be permanent. I gave it my best shot. I wanted to be the best friend, climbing partner and lover you wanted. I wanted a best friend too. But you couldn’t be that for me. When I needed compassion and comforting, all you gave me was guilt. Crying because I feel pain is not irrational. Staying with a man who causes me pain would be irrational.

I’m moving on now. You should too. You should face your demons and do something real about your addictions. I want the best for you, I really do love you and I will miss you.

Lost on Cache Peak

Seven Vultures
Pretty Purple Pine Buds
I made it to the top!
Cache Peak

Lost. I feel lost. I guess that is what happens when one goes so fast for so long without stopping to look at the journey’s path or the current moment of existence. Filling life with strenuous, non-stop activities is a great way to shut out the voices inside.

I climbed a mountain this past week! This should have been a great spiritual exercise, and would have been but for the sheer exhaustion I was already feeling before I even started the journey! I can’t say I was fully involved. I wish I could say I had a lot of fun. I wish I could say I feel stronger and better for it. All I feel is tired, sore and lost.

This will pass. I need to make myself revert back to the stone ages, when people wrote their thoughts on paper. Writing helps so much in processing the events and storing them in the places they should be. It calms me in ways I cannot express. How cool would it be to have a lap top to take with me?
Another wish to put in my box.

Tuesday we hiked out to Bracksiecks pillar to climb with Steph and Dottie. It was a pleasant sort of morning, hot, but not too hot. Steph and Dottie were already tired from the previous day’s activities. I was already tired from the previous two weeks of activity. As we walked, we passed a section of fence where seven vultures were perched. We all commented on how unusual this was, but none of us wanted to articulate how ominous.

The day was fun, but there was such a cloud hanging over us. It was Stephs last day here, and she was feeling kind of gloomy. We had a 4th of July party at the tipi. We got rained on a lot, but Dale had brought salmon and steaks and they were fabulous. We said our goodbyes.

Next morning Dale and I set out on our journey. The weather was gloomy and hot. I was already soaked before we even got to North Park. My mood was dismal at best. It turned to irate when I fell into the creek. Then we started to climb a hill in the rain, which turned my mood furious. My legs were burning, my feet ached with every step.
We stopped and set up camp long before Dale intended. Poor guy interpreted my mood as hatred toward him and his feelings were really hurt. When his feelings get hurt he gets quiet, which feeds into my insecurities becoming a horribly vicious cycle. I told him I would attempt the ascent the next day, and I did.

I made it too! It was tough going, no trails to walk on meant stepping over/on all forms of flora and fauna. I hate “bushwhacking”! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I don’t hate Dale, which is what he thought, I HATE BUSHWHACKING!

But if I had been in a better place emotionally and spiritually, the true object of my hate could just as easily been seen as a challenge to be met and surmounted. I caused so much suffering with my own attitude that I really don’t like the mirrors in my house today! I mean, what am I, 12 years old or something? NOT!

Well, what can I say. I have another opportunity to prove my worth, and I intend to do better. And now that I really know that I do have the power to hurt Dale, I intend to never again use it! As a matter of fact I intend to make this up to him as best I can.

It feels so strange to actually have the power to hurt another human being (aside from my children). I think I shouldn’t just assume that I don’t. I think I may actually hurt people I care about without ever knowing it because they don’t say anything, and I’ve assumed I don’t matter enough to them to hurt them.

I must find my place in this world, and accept me in it! Or at least act like an adult.

So off I go this weekend to the Sawtooth Mountains. When I get back, I will be found!

To: The Universe CC: Cheri

How do I tell you? What can I say? I’m sure the fact that I omitted my fear from our discussions is a clear indication that I see clearly the problem at hand. I closed my eyes and wished it away, but it remained.

It was just a familiar twinge at first. How quick I was to explain it away. How quick to judge me irrational. But I am not irrational. I am not wrong here, no matter how much I might wish it.

Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I think I have truly seen it, as it comes from me. I have felt a great love for someone, not because they were perfect, or because I could see the good in spite of the bad. The imperfections are a part of what is lovable, a part to be adored and respected. But only as long as they don’t destroy me.

I worked so hard for so long to find me. My name is a gift from you, a constant reminder of my validity. I am valuable and loveable just as I am. I do not have to change me to be loved. I would rather lose the love of another than to lose me.

It’s not just a bump in the road, not just a rough patch to work through. This is survival. It would make me so sad to have to say goodbye, but, it would be utterly tragic to abandon me.

Maybe I don’t have to choose. I understand that most people don’t understand what it is to love unconditionally. Can I love me enough to stay strong in the storm? I don’t want to go down with the ship, I don’t want the ship to go down at all. Maybe It’s time to learn to sail. Batten down the hatches and seek the inner solace and guidance you give me in abundance.

I can love another’s inability to love me perfectly right now. Just because there is a lack of understanding doesn’t mean there is an inability to learn. “I’m really trying. I don’t always know what I’m feeling, but I’m really trying!” Isn’t that all it takes? A desire to succeed goes a very long way.

I now stand naked before you. I cannot see the end, nor do I wish to. It is the journey, the process that matters. Is it really as simple as holding on to me? Is that the true test of unconditional love? Loving me while loving another?

Hmmm.

Summer Photos

The Next Level

Tending a relationship, nurturing it, watching it grow, anticipating the fruits to come, is a joyful art. The soil must be worked, and I worked it for so long, with so much care and love. I added all of the nutrients I thought would be needed to cultivate the union I had sought for so long. Then I found the prettiest seed I had ever seen. I planted it in the warm soil and contemplated the possibilities.

Soon, a sprout emerged. I was surprised by it strength and beauty. It grew quickly and courageously. It stretched it’s leaves to the life giving sun. It flourished and grew.

Then one day, the sprout wilted. My heart nearly broke with concern. My first reaction was to chastise myself with self blame and hatred. Of course that only made the problem worse. The sprout sagged and I was sure it would die.

I checked the soil. It was dry, so I added some water. The sprout came back, even stronger than it was. New leaves sprouted like magic. It grew and continues to grow taller and taller. I think there may even be a bud starting.

Yes, we had a hiccup. Usually, a hiccup in my relationships has meant doom. Fortunately, both Dale and I wanted the relationship to survive enough to water it. We talked through some differences, and worked through the problems. Now, we are stronger than before. We are happier than before. We are more confident than before.

We’ve taken us to the next level. No - I don't know what that means, but it feels sooo good.

Zach sitting with his class at the ceremony

The graduate and his sister (in the background)

The proud graduate

Rumors

Here I am! Were you beginning to think I was just a rumor? The last couple of months have been an incredible whirlwind! I have been so busy developing this new part of me that I have neglected much of the rest of me. School’s out now and I hope to use that extra time to find some balance.

Like in Yoga.

My baby is graduating tonight. During practice yesterday I kept flashing back to touching his incredibly soft baby hair and skin, the way he smelled and how much I loved to rock him. I kept thinking about the wooden block he had to hold in order to walk. I remember him running and running in circles at grandma’s house wondering how many miles he must have gone.

He’s not a baby any more! No one has worked harder for anything than he has for this night. I am so proud of him. I will definitely post pictures of the big event as soon as I possibly can.

Things with Dale are still going strong. We have already had a couple of bobbles, but we worked them out and I didn’t get dumped! I am finally seeing me as others have seen me. I am really a lot of work. I get upset about something and clam up. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? He does the same thing! We are really a lot alike.

We are both in our 40’s and used to doing things our way. Set it those ways to the point that we are surprised that anyone should even consider any alternatives. There sure is a lot of room for compromise there!

Then to top it all off, I have gone off my anti-depressants (Dr. guided - don’t worry). I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions over the past several weeks, but I think I am beginning to level out now. And - uh - I guess the anti depressants do cause sexual side effects for me. Yep, now I’m back to being me again. Can I handle it? Can anyone else? Time will tell.

I am glad to get time off from work. The past couple of months in that arena have been horrible. The teacher I work for was not terrible supportive of my new relationship. I think she is one of those people who only liked me as long as I was as miserable as she is. But I’m not now, and am starting to truly resent being victimized by her co-dependency. Unconditional acceptance is a goal, I’m not there yet. Even if I were, I know I would have to make changes for me. I’m just not ok with having anyone expect so much more from me than anyone else. I get paid the same as all the other paras and I deserve to be treated with at least as much courtesy - especially from her.

Is that the Wambulance I hear?

My art is coming back. I am teaching myself to draw/paint birds of prey. I am going to paint them on Dale’s new tipi. It is so cool, see?

Well, my new life is calling my name. I will write more often.

Dora

Hi Dora! It was really nice to talk to you the other night. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but time is fickle and stingy. So I have led you to my most private thoughts, for I know I can trust you with them. It will take a long time to read it all, and I really don’t expect you to. But in this blog you will find the most important details of where I have been since you left, and where I am now. I am really looking forward to a time in the near future when we can catch up face to face, and you can meet the most amazing man I have ever known - and he can meet one of the best friends I have ever had.

......

Dale


I have posted a couple of pictures here, but bear in mind - he is not highly photogenic. I could not convince him to give me a real smile, so here is his “take my picture” smile. I have also posted a picture of me rock climbing, and having a lot of fun doing it too!

This blog thing is fun. I have not been posting much over the past month, but school will get out at the end of May, and I will definitely get caught up. I will have some really happy posts to offset the posts I wrote while I was depressed.

I really miss you and can’t wait to see you!

Dale and Maeve

Not the best angle, but(t) I was having fun!

Hi! I made it!

Shosone Falls April 29, 2006

Shoshone Falls April 29, 2006


Well, folks, the falls are booming this spring. I don’t know how much longer this will last, but if you are coming out this way, don’t miss it! This is a show worth seeing.

I thought we had a great flow when I posted the pictures a month ago. Check this out! They are awesome!

.......

Shoshone Falls April 29, 2006

.......

Shoshone Falls April 29, 2006

Dale

Things with Dale just keep getting better and better. I don’t spend any time worrying about the future or whether he really likes/loves me. I don’t have to! He shows me every day how important I am to him. I get to go on a cruise to Hawaii with him and his family this summer! I have never done anything like that before. And the fact that his mother jumped through hoops to get me on the ship after already having made all the arrangements says a lot! She and I have not met yet, and the fact that she was willing to do this says a lot about how Dale feels about me.

He did tell me that everyone sees how happy he is now. Everyone sees how happy I am now too.


Lynn

I just wish everyone could be happy for me. It is one of those terribly sad facts of life that I surrounded myself with people who enjoyed my misery. What is sad is that I didn’t know who they were until I fixed the part of my life that they feel they are lacking.

Lynn has been married forever. Her husband makes a more than comfortable living for her. She has the best of everything and never has to worry about money. Without all of those things, she would have nothing. Her life is empty where she needs it to be full, where my life is filling up now, and it is cutting so deeply.

She has been quite depressed this year, I have seen it worsen. If I were half the person I hope to be someday, I would handle things with her much better. But she has been very discouraging when it comes to my newfound happiness, and has even said things that reminded me a lot of things my mother might say. The things that only got said when Cheri was getting too happy, and needed to be brought down a peg or two.

Summer break is coming, maybe a few months apart will help during this time of change for me.


Zach

My son is graduating at the end of this month. I am so excited for him. No one ever worked harder for anything. He has a stick-to-it-ness that is unrivaled. He has a long hard road ahead yet, but I have no doubt in his ability to make it. He is definitely liking my new happiness. He really likes Dale. They are spending some time together doing things guys do. Little things that dads are supposed to do with their sons, but Zach’s dad never had time for. I think Dale kind of likes the idea of getting to be dad-like right now.

I guess time will tell the tale. And when it does, I’ll write it here.

Not all men are dogs!

It was a wonderful trip to Boise. I was treated like a priceless treasure, a princess to be pampered and wooed. We went shopping (for climbing gear), ate sushi, and climbed rocks. We walked to the sushi restaurant from our hotel. It was magical. I've been to Boise many times, even lived there for a while, but I'd never seen it like that before. I felt like a small town girl escaping to the big city!

The whole night was wonderful. I was completely swept off my feet. But I'm stupid sometimes. Sometimes it is better to just keep the big mouth shut. Especially when insecurity raises its ugly head. He's a kind and gentle man, and never sighed or rolled his eyes, but I know I gave him pause for thought. I suppose that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Yesterday I spent making Chicken Cordon Blue, Wild rice pilaf, roasted asparagus and apple dumplings for Easter dinner. My two children, my boyfriend, my dad and my neighbor were my guests. My neighbor and my son bagan discussing politics. She had my son going in no time and I couldn't get him to calm down. Dale left early. I felt so bad. That whole dinner was supposed to be about HIM, not her. I'm so mad at her that I will consider whether I should invite her again. That's sad. Unconditional Acceptance. Practice, practice, practice.

I haven't really messed anything up too bad, I guess. He is talking about how he will introduce me to his mother. I guess we'll see.