In the Crapper

What can I say? I didn’t get to post last night because there wasn’t a signal to be found at my friend’s house. I stayed there last night, as I have been doing on Mondays so I don’t have to drive all the way back home, get 5 hours of sleep and drive right back. It saves me $17 in gas too! But the stay isn’t free. I was up until almost 11:00 trying to talk her off her ledge.

She’s all depressed because she thinks her marriage is in the crapper, and that she failed miserably as a mother, and that she has no worth, and that she’s ugly. I doubt that any of those things are actually true. I think that she is in a place where she isn’t fulfilling her contract with the universe. She is not living authentically and is depressed because of it. I have encouraged her to seek medical attention, it worked for me. But of course, she’s just not crazy like I was.

So, she’ll continue down this path of pain until she has actually put her whole life in the crapper. I hate so see her do it, but she just won’t hear me. I love her and I hate to see her like this. I wish she would listen. She needs an intervention, but I’m still a few years away from pulling that off, right?

We went over the stats test, and I cheated me out of an A. Forgetting 2 titles (why I can see a missing title on other graphs, but not my own is a mystery), changing a 3 point answer from the right answer to the wrong answer just before turning in the test, and not trusting my own gut cost me another 6 points. There were a couple of questions that I missed legitimately because I didn’t get what she was after. I got 87% instead of a 99% which is inexcusable. I need to trust my gut more and pay attention to the details. Dang! Luckily, I still have a 90% in the class. This is not a hard class, and I need to quit trying to make it so.

The psych department is currently recruiting new teachers. Today we had our second guest teacher. I didn’t like her. In her opening she outed herself when she discussed her reaction to seeing a person she believed may have had schizophrenia as one of fear and cowardice, and ended her talk by preaching to us that people who have schizophrenia are not schizophrenics any more than people who have cancer are cancerics. I agree with that notion. I don’t agree with exiting a bus two stops early because of my own prejudice against people who behave differently in public. (The person she described could just as easily been a person with autism.) She’s lucky I don’t do the hiring.

The sexual abuse class on Monday nights seems to be going absolutely nowhere. He keeps giving us information about depression, anger, schizophrenia and antisocial personality disorder, but so far has done nothing to tie them into the sexual abuse of people. Maybe just a little patience is all that is needed. I hope so, I have some left.

So how is all of that for being critical and negative? I want my Megan. I always miss her so much after the Mon/Tue class trip. She’ll probably be by tomorrow. Tonight I am going to try to get the soc. psy. reading done so I won’t have any homework to do tomorrow. I guess I still have a little ab. psy. reading to do as well. But if she comes over tomorrow, I definitely want to “hang towels” with her. Everything will be all better then.

ps Microsoft Word really likes the word and. I already went back to change a couple of them, but I'm tired, so I'm sure I missed some.

Catastrophe Averted

Our Stat test scores were posted today. I don't remember what the test was worth, but I scored high enough to Avert the Catastrophe. In other words, I still have an A in the class.

I spent most of the day reading about schizophrenia. I don't have it. Neither do most stalkers. But some do. Just not that many. The author of the book claims that early on, scientists thought that cold and unavailable mothers were the cause of their children's schizophrenia. I thought that was interesting, so I looked up what he had to say about autism. He says autism was caused by refrigerator parents. Now, I happen to know that Bruno Bettelheim coined the term "refrigerator mothers" as the cause of autism, not refrigerator parents. Leo Kanner suspected the cold and unavailable mothers as causing it when he first came up with the idea of autism. Luckily, Bernard Rimland put those ideas to rest.

My point here is, why would the author of this textbook make such an error? and how many more errors are there in this book that I wouldn't catch? When an author makes a mistake like that, it calls into question all of their work, don't you think? (I consider that to be a fairly big error - but that's just me)

My brother's team won today. Yeah for him. It was just another boring game for me, I don't care for either team.

I'm done with my homework, so tomorrow I will do my laundry.

This posting everyday is quite easy with this laptop. I can post while watching Criminal Minds on tv. Fun for me, boring for you poor saps unlucky enough to think you should read this drivel.

I would really like to apologize for the post about the big things I found on my vacation. It was neither timely, nor interesting. Sorry.

A Graduate Degree

This is actually an assignement I turned in today. I thought it would make a good post.

When I first decided to go back to school and get my degree, my most immediate and urgent goal was to just get my bachelors degree. I had been employed with the Twin Falls School District for 13 years, and still held a job at the bottom of the ladder with no opportunity for advancement (no degree-no advancement). I knew a bachelor’s degree would be the only path to growth opportunities.

Once I actually started attending classes, my ambitions began to gravitate toward a more prestigious goal. Few members of my family graduated from high school, let alone earned a PhD in anything. More than that, however, I feel that I have been led down a path that has opened my eyes to things most people don’t even think about. I have more to offer than just therapy. I would love to be a part of a team that makes positive changes for the people I have loved working with.

---

---

With every day that passes, my desire to get into and finish graduate school gets stronger. I know I already possess many of the qualities necessary to excel in a graduate program. Learning about statistics and tests and measurements is one area I need to work on. I have read scientific studies, and tried to make sense out of them, but without the necessary mathematical background, it can be difficult, and I usually have to rely on someone else’s interpretation of the data. I look forward to making my own interpretations.

I have never participated in any formal studies, and I will need to learn as much as I can about how to do them successfully and meaningfully. I have already learned a great deal about what makes a study meaningful, and whether the study is one that causal inferences can be made and whether the study was done is such a way that the findings can be generalized from the sample to the population. It is a subject I find extremely intriguing and I really look forward to learning as much as I possibly can.

I will also need to find a way to become more familiar with the faculty in the Psychology department. Time constraints seem to be a serious factor, and I will have to find a way to get around them if I am going to be successful. I am still trying to find my way around the ISU campus as well. Traveling from Twin Falls is another obstacle that I will have to overcome. I do feel a little lost right now, but I know I will find my way. I just need to figure out who can help me get where I want to go, then actually ask them for help.

It all seems a little overwhelming when taken as a whole. I have accomplished a lot of great things in my life, and I know this is just on more challenge that I will successfully meet. I am just taking this one day at a time, but I am trying to make sure I am covering all of my bases so that any and all opportunities can be explored.

Big Foot, Big slug, Big tree.

A couple of years ago, Zach and I went on a two week Vacation through Oregon and Northern California. While we were there, we came upon some amazing creatures, all very large. I hadn't seen things like these before, so, of course, I took pictures.

I don't really remember taking this picture. I have a vague recollection of being curious about what that was in the forest, just out of reach. I probably watched it for a while, and, when it didn't move, took the picture and moved on.

When I got home, I looked through my pictures and oh, my, gosh! I have to say, it really looks like big foot, don't you think? Even printed out and enlarged, it looks like big foot. Actually, when it is blown up as big as you can get it without being distorted by too much pixel distortion, it looks like it has a face and is carrying something, like a baby.



Come on, you have to admit that it really does look like big foot. If I had known at the time I took this picture that it would look so much like Bigfoot, I would have found a way across the creek to find out what it really was. As I look at this picture now, I wish I could walk over and see what it is.

I didn't walk away thinking it was big foot at the time. But if I had been clever enough, I could have made a little money off of it by selling it to the tabloids. I can see the headlines now. "Big Foot Spotted at Still Creek Carrying Big Foot Infant" Oh well, it would have been fun. But I missed the opportunity.

I couldn't believe how big the slugs were at the campsite we stayed at near Crescent City California. The mice couldn't compete with this slimy hippo. They were kind of cool though. This little guy was hanging out near a water source, so I grabbed him and set up this photo. I tried to get Zach to sit behind it and act like he was screaming because it was going to eat him, but he wasn't in the mood. I think he was 17 at the time. You know how 17 year olds can be.



Even the trees were larger than life. Some of them had been involved in Forest fires that hollowed them out at the bottom. A person could definitely find shelter in them.

Everything about that vacation was larger than life. Zach and I went rounds, then got along really well, then we'd go rounds again. Going on vacation with Zach is always interesting. I didn't go on this vacation alone, but there were definitely times when I felt alone.

Troubles, or no, it was so much fun, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. Someday, when I'm better educated and making more money, I will go on more of these vacations. One of my teachers keeps saying that it should be a law that every person get out of Idaho for at least two weeks every year. He even says it should be more than just crossing one border too. I agree with him.

It sounds pretty good, don't you think?

TGIMF

(thank god it's my friday)

Zach is going to kill me. It's been a long time since I accused him of trying. The last time I said something like that the woman just about fell over in horror. No, he isn't literally trying to kill me. It just feels like it because he insists on picking Wednesday night/Thursday morning to pace and make noise and keep me up until 2:30 in the morning. It's bad because Thursday is the longest day of the week. I leave at 6:00 a.m. to get to class in Poky by 8:00, stay in classes until 12:30, then be home by 2:00 so I can hurry and get my homework done for night class here. It's hard to do on enough sleep. Without the sleep, it's torture.

No, he isn't going to kill me. But my stats test results might. I think it may be worse than a bomb, it might even be a catastrophe! No, c's are not our friends.

Good night, John Boy!

Megan and I went for a walk yesterday along that canyon trail I wrote about a couple of days ago. Both of us were quite taken with this view of the Perrine Bridge. No one was jumping, I imagine it's a little too cold for that right now.

I've noticed that I really miss Megan a lot these days. She usually makes it by at least once a week, but sometimes it feels like years. She's decided not to date until she's 22, then she'll date, find the guy she wants to spend the rest of here life with, and be married by 24. That seems like a really time to fight off the advances of amorous males.

I can't figure out really why I feel so needy of her these days. I'm just really glad she is here in town and I can see her as often as I do. It keeps me grounded I guess.

One big test down, and....

I got the abnormal psych test back, and it was definitely a bomb. An A-bomb! I aced that baby! 95%! I don't mean to boast too much, but it is very reassuring. I think I have really been stressing out too much about this school thing, you know making it much harder than it is. I think I forgot that there is a huge difference between being a student who must learn a subject well enough to understand it and being a paraeducator who has to learn the subject well enough to teach it to someone who will have trouble understanding it. I also must keep in mind that I am competing with kids who do not have my level of life experience, and have not accumulated the quantity or quality of knowledge that I have accumulated over the span of two of their lifetimes. Is that fair? Of course it is! By the time they are my age, they will have accumulated twice the wealth than what I will ever see!

I have and Intro to Stats test this Thursday. I was prepared to come home and start memorizing formulas. Guess what, the teacher is letting us bring a cheat sheet of formulas for the test. I know this stuff, so I should pass it fairly easily. My studying will be in hopes of another Bomb!

Just Another Manic/Depressive Monday

Betcha can't guess what we're studying in Abnormal Psych class!

There were no accidents in Idaho Falls caused by me tonight! Not even any close calls. I can't believe it's already been a week since that dreadful night! So I calmly and smoothly commuted to Pocatello, and got there even earlier than last week. I took the opportunity to try to take a picture of the building, my camera wasn't in the mood I guess. But this is what I see when I get there on Monday night.

My commute was worth it too, because, we had class tonight! I was so happy, that means that the class wasn't dumped by the teacher! Now I won't have to scramble for another class to keep my financial aid. I got to test my laptop too. I have to go tomorrow and find out how to get my computer set up for the wireless account at the school there. It better not be too hard, 'cause I'm not sure how strong this knot is at the end of my rope!

Unfortunately, my friend wasn't home, so I had to commute home for bed. Then I have to get up bright and early and head right back. Oh, well. The highs and the lows of life.

I still can't really figure out this wireless thing. I am getting a signal here at home that I am not paying for, so I expect the internet police will be summoning me soon. This weekend, I will find out if it is ok, or if I'm a law breaker. I keep looking for information on the net and all I can find is how to get equipment to make my computer do what it is already doing. I guess I just can't see how this can be free, when slow slow dial-up isn't.

Better go to bed now, I have class tomorrow!

Simpler Days

Today I went for a walk along the canyon. It was such a beautiful day and the perfect time to just go and clear my mind for a while. As I walked, I began to reminisce about the Twin Falls I knew as a kid. It was such a small town back then. The College of Southern Idaho was way out on the edge of town, and Canyon Springs Inn and Randy Hansen Chevrolet were way out in the boondocks. Blue Lakes Boulevard was still lined with big beautiful old houses and people drove 25 mph in town. We had a little shopping center, but no malls yet. Williams Market was the best place to buy groceries in our neighborhood, and Safeway was the best place to buy groceries in a nearby neighborhood. Disturbing the peace or drunk and disorderly were big crimes, and people felt safe. So it was really big news that Evil Knievil was coming to town.

It was September 1974. People from all over the country started pouring into town. Hells Angels stalked the streets and gave us all a bit of a scare. Hippies in decked out vans could be seen any time of day or night. Shoshone Falls became the favorite hangout for all of the visitors. It was hard for us backward town folk not to feel a little put out and insulted by these “worldly” folk, some of whom laughed at us directly as we drove past them with gaping mouths. Talk about Culture Shock!

Well, the day came and Evil attempted his jump. We watched from one of the places only the locals would know about. There aren’t many secret places like that around here anymore, but we sure had them then. It had been such a huge build up that when it actually happened (and failed so badly), it was kind of a let down.

We were heading back into town, happy to be beating the crowds, when we saw a helicopter heading right toward Canyon Springs Inn! We turned into the huge parking lot and parked while the aircraft landed, eyes glued. People started piling out of the helicopter and sure enough, it was Evil. My little brother, 4 at the time, was such a huge fan of his. He had all the dolls and cycles and everything! He ran up to Mr. Knievil to get his autograph, only to be brushed off like some little pesky gnat.

I never like Evil after that.


They are planning to put a park at the old jump site. To this day that jump is still the biggest thing to hit Twin Falls. We’re much bigger now. Randy Hansen is lost in a maze of retailers, and the once luxurious Canyon Springs Inn sits in the middle of much more luxurious Inns. Murder is still shocking in this town, but crime is on the rise, and though Twin Falls is still a safe place to live, it surely has lost much of its innocence. The big beautiful homes that once lined Blue Lakes were torn down and replaced with fast food restaurants. We have a mall and several big department stores. The little grocery stores are all but gone and the edge of town seems to stretch farther out every day.

It’s not all bad. There is a beautiful walking path along the canyon rim these days, and sometimes I just like to walk along that path, clear my head and reminisce about simpler times.

I'm So Tired I Could Sleep

I’m starting to understand how people can just pop in 3-6 times a day and post something on their blogs! When you have this fast of a connection, you don’t waste a lot of time waiting to dial up, load the proper page, and still have energy left to write.

I spent most of the day doing homework. I have most of it done. I need to revise my 4-year plan, but it isn’t due until next Monday. I don’t have to do the ch4 s4 math homework. I might take a stab at it, but I might be better advised to just study for the quiz that will be happening on Thursday. I check the webCT site, and I did Bomb the quiz. I got a B for Bomb! I just need to remember - Bees are our friends. I might post about the meaning of that someday.

I have to admit, I did spend some time looking at some u-tube clips on some of the autism sites that were too slow to download on a phone line connection. Then I even downloaded a couple of Blue October songs. Each time I was instantly gratified. So I popped over to rockclimbing.com and check out some of the videos there. Yep, too much fun.

Now I should go to bed. I just finished reading 2 chapters on mood disorders, and I would definitely absorb and process that information better if I were hibernating.

Tomorrow, I might play around with uploading pictures with a wireless connection. And finish my homework. I have a chapter to read in Social Psychology and a quiz to take.

School, Homework, and the Pursuit of Decompressing

So, the first couple of school weeks were all about homework. So much so, that Zach decided HE needed a break from it! It was Saturday, and it sounded good to me, so we hit Pizza Hut and a movie, A Night at the Museum. The movie was so funny! It was a really enjoyable evening, and yes, I was a little frazzled by homework and classes, I thought. I spent the rest the weekend doing nothing but watching videos. Mistake?!?

Monday night was a nightmare. I was trying to get out of Idaho Falls so that I could be at my Pocatello class on time. There is this interchange there that really is screwed up! Even when the weather is good and the roads are dry, it confuses me. Well, the roads weren’t just wet, they were icy, and in the matter of about 10 minutes, I managed to nearly cause four separate accidents. Each mistake flustered me, and the more flustered I got, the more mistakes I made.

I was really, really happy to get to Pocatello. I took some deep breaths. I wasn’t even late, things were cool. I got out of the car, walked across the frozen lawn, and entered the old depressing building. “No Class Tonight! Psy 499 Cancelled!” The good new is that nobody died, and my car and I are in one piece. From now on, I take my sweet time getting there.

Tuesday was a wake up call. I hadn’t done all of my homework! I really don’t know how I got so confused, but I am definitely more on top of it now. Thursday (after being kept up until 3:00 a.m. by Zach), big Abnormal Psych test, I hope I at least got a b, although a definitely prefer vowels for grades. (don’t despair, bees are our friends! ;) ) I think I might have bombed the stats quiz. Then I nearly had a meltdown in Social Psych when we were discussing a newspaper article about child abuse. Any other day and I would have floated above it, but I nearly lost it. I made it through class and slept last night.

So today I am writing a blog entry. On my new laptop computer that came just today. I am testing this battery to see how long it will really last. I might need to buy another one (battery) so that I can get through two classes (from 8:00a to 12:15p). I have been running it since about 11:30 and it is 2:30 now. I’m down to 31%. It might work with just the one battery. I won’t need it through all of my stats class, just when she starts talking about minitab.

I love this though. I can sit wherever I want and do my homework! This is so cool. This has a wireless connection which I immediately became addicted to. I can’t believe how nice it is to get immediate gratification. And I am really looking forward to getting that instant word/concept look up when typing my psych notes right there in class! It is so hard to write notes by hand, pay attention to the lecture, then go home and type my notes so that I can read them. I spend a great deal of time just trying to make sense of them at all.

I called one of the girls I used to work with. I guess the first MRH was a fiasco. And not for any of the reasons I had predicted. You see, I figured the cash register would be the biggest problem. When I left, there was no printer tape, and it doesn’t like to work without printer tape. Then, the battery usually likes to die when it sits for a couple of weeks, and when the battery dies, someone has to reprogram the scan codes into it. But apparently, those things did not happen. What did happen was that, without my supervision, the separates parts worked separately, and people ended up waiting forever for drinks. I didn’t expect that. Hmmm. Guess I might have been even more important than I thought.

Ok, I’m just rambling. So for now I’ll go. With this new toy of mine, I might have more time and opportunity to write. I hope so.

Processing, Please Stand By

I’ve survived the first week of school. This is going to be so exciting. Just as soon as I recover from this complete exhaustion! I am all caught up on homework, for now. That should last until tomorrow.

I’m looking at the clock less and less these days. I do know it was A day today at the high school I once worked at, but I only noticed two distinct times today, lunch time and quit time.

I have so much anxiety about whether this continuing education will be as easy in the future as it has been thus far, but that anxiety is mild compared to that which I left behind at work. I have no regrets. No matter what happens from here, it won’t be as bad as it was.

The drive home Thursday, oh my gosh!, was so bad. About half way there was a blizzard white out. I finally had to get behind a big truck and just follow him at 40 mph until visibility improved. Of course, driving at an average 65 mph sure was good for gas mileage, but I think I won’t live quite as long now.

Tomorrow’s my birthday. Then I’ll have to go and adjust my blog profile stuff.

I think I had planned to make this a cool blog, but I’m tired. I have spent all of my neural energy on reading. My brain is processing. Please stand by.

If you are interested, I have written a little about my classes, just click the read more link. I will definitely be writing about them a lot in the future, I kind of hope it will help


I’ve decided that the Careers in Psychology class is a keeper. I really think it will help steer me in a direction, and with any luck (which seems to permeate through my life) it will steer me in the right direction.

---

I’m also taking a class called the sexual abuse of people. It is being taught by an ex-FBI agent. I hope it’s interesting. Apparently, if I show up every day and attend, I’ll get an A.

---

Then I have an abnormal psychology class that is being taught by this cute retired (mostly) professor. He is funny, though I think he tries a little to hard to be funny sometimes. I will undoubtedly have carpal tunnel syndrome by the time I’m finished taking notes in his class.

---

Then, there is my Intro to Statistics class. I bought the book and read the first chapter before class started. I even did the first assignment (more than was due) before class started. That assignment will be due tomorrow!

I got so freaked out the first day because the teacher had everyone talk about their math 108 experiences. Only about 3 of the 20 or so students who took the class had a good experience. Many had to take it more than once, one student took it four times before she passed. I had college algebra all those years ago and got a b. I thought it was pretty easy and even fun. I had to wonder what it is they teach in math 108 that I must not have learned.

Turns out, the computer program they use to teach it with might be the problem. I get along with computers pretty well, so I’m sure I would have been fine in math 108. Besides, learning statistics is gonna be kick-ass.

---

My cross country skiing and snowshoeing class got cancelled. That sucks.

---

That brings me to my social psychology class. We watched the Village the first class. I have a feeling that will be my favorite class. Social psychology is such a fun subject - full of grey areas and misty ideas. Just up my alley. (it will be a wonderful change of pace from the world of autism that I am so completely immersed in.)

---

And that is about all I can do right now. My brain is still on standby.

Boise Who?

BOISE STATE!!!!!!That's right! Oh, yeah! Big winners with a circus show to boot! Channel 7 news out of Boise talked about how 25,000 or so Idahoans made it to the game in person. Now that the game has been won by us, all of the Idahoans who didn't make it to Arizona, are dancing in the streets of Boise. The police have been called (were not sure who called them), and Gomer did finally show up to make sure Joe didn't fall off the curb and hurt his nose. Jr. is nowhere to be found right now, and Gomer is really hoping he isn't leaning over a porcelain idol. So that just about accounts for everyone. Except me.

I was one of the four Idahoans who had to watch it at home on tv (I swear I didn't place that call to Gomer). I don't watch college football, probably because I didn't get to go to college after high school. But I have to say, I had more fun watching that game than any other game I've ever seen. That includes the state championship high school game I saw a few years ago (I did get to go to high school). So, it turns out that Idaho is a real live place, with a real live college, that has a real live football team.

One might say that we can toss that old spud like no one's business. Heck, the old spud they hucked around at that game was just puny little thing. Our players hardly seemed at all affected by the hot.

Well, that was kind of fun.

Since this is new years and everything, I've decided to resolve to not going to work any more. And some day, I'll even tell you why.

But for now, night night.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

I'm still not finished writing my resignation post. It is quite difficult to take serious, raw emotions, and write them in the most neutral way possible. I am still writing it, and will post it when I'm finished.

In the mean time, I have been reading autism blogs. Not the ones written by angry parents, by the ones written by adults who have autism. In no way have I acually been able to read all of the blogs with autistic authors, but I do think I have a fairly good sample of what is out there.


Most people in this world only hear about how devastating autism is, and how it destroyed their family and robbed them of their sweet innocent little child. I have an autistic child, and I don't share those feelings. He was one of the 25% of autistic children who actually regressed. He did so when I went to college all those years ago.

I read Joseph's blog, and followed the link to research papers that opened my eyes to things I hadn't thought of before. For instance, I didn't know that family stressors were cited by parents far mor often than any other factor.

Know something funny? Suzanne Wright, in her interview on The View, explains that her daughter and son in law had just purchased a new home, and were expecting a new baby when their son was diagnosed with autism. So no wonder they were so angry with autism. They had a perfect little life planned out for themselves, and boom! Their kid has a disability. I wonder what would have been different if their child had been born with Downe's Syndrome? The stigma? The knowledge that they can't cure Downe's syndrom? The fact that the Downe's syndrom community advocates for acceptence? Hmmm. Ok, so this is an angry parent, but it isn't a blog, it is the Autism Speaks chairfamily!

Anyway, if you are interested in knowing what really happens to autistic kids, read the blogs of autistic audults. Who would know better than they? (They were kids once too!) Autism Diva was the first ASD adult blog I found. She is quite articulate and very politically active. Joel is an autistic adult who holds a full time job and advocates for the civil rights of Autistics. He also has a web site that is quite intersting and informative. Check it out.

Another really good source for see autism for what it really is and not as what the poor little autism parents you hear so much about say it is, check out the autism hub. It might be a real eye opener!

I've learned a new trick!

I DID IT! I really, really did it! I learned the basic basics of xhtml, javascript and css, and then found a blog that offered instructions for making my main blog more visually stimulating. (I had to do something to distract my obsessive mind from the big break up - that's right, I quit!)

Let’s face it. Long blog posts are dreary and dreadful. I hate them so, but can’t seem to find it within to be less verbose. Let’s face it. Writing is fun. Re-reading occasionally is fun. Scrolling through endless pages of text isn’t.

So from now on, when you see the read more link, and actually want to read more, click it and be prepared. You may be scrolling a bit.

Click it at your own risk!

Well, you won’t get carpal tunnel scrolling down today. But there is a post coming…..

Now I just need to figure out how to get the cool calendar so many not blogspot blogs have!

Christmas Came!

It came without ribbon! It came without tags!



It came without packages, boxes or bags!



Being poor didn't stop Christmas from coming, it came!




Even though I ignored it, it came just the same!

We even had snow!

Look at all of that sugar! Megan came over Sunday to help make all this stuff. Zach decorated the cookies. I thought they turned out quite well.

Apparently, I'm allergic to cookies and fudge, however. My whole body is all swollen up! I am wearing sweats right now because my pants are so tight!

I wanted to post this yesterday, it was all ready, but I couldn't get blogger to upload more that one picture, so I went with snapfish today. Should have done it sooner!

Why a Degree is Important to Me

Long time no write! Well, it happens.

I had to abandon the novel. I was going really strong, things were really clicking. Then I did some research on Catholocism and BOOM! story's over! The whole premis was off, and I really didn't want to go back and fix it. Oh, it could be fixed, like the hot water heater (which is such a joy!), or my stagnating life (another post about resigning is coming), or my image (make up and curly hair must be the bomb). The novel just wasn't worth the blood sweat and tears or I would have fixed it. I might, someday make necessary reparations, but I have much to do to get ready for the next phase of my life.

Poor College Student. So, I'm begging for handouts now. I have received a $3000 scholarship for the first two semesters of school, but, I think I might need a little more. So, I'm applying for another scholarship, and they expect an essay. So I wrote one. What do you think? Would you throw money at me?



Why a College Degree is Important to Me
A college education was not an option for me after graduation. While my brothers were prodded to get a real education (neither had any desire to go), much less was expected of me. My grandmother told me, when I was 19, that if I didn’t get serious about finding a man to marry, I would end up an old maid. No one believed I had more to me than that, not even me.


Many things have since opened my eyes to what I am capable of achieving. I am so proud of the things I have accomplished, yet I hunger for so much more. I have so much more to offer this world, and I feel that furthering my education is the key to giving all that I am. I have acquired many skills that will help me to get where I want to be, and the door of educational opportunity is now open. I have stepped in.


I did get married, and had two beautiful children, Megan and Zach. When they were still babies, my husband encouraged me to attend classes at the local community college. I decided to give it a shot, still sure I was not smart enough to succeed. To my surprise, I did succeed. I spent the first two semesters on the President’s list and the remaining semesters on the Dean’s List!


I majored in psychology, a subject I was especially adept at in high school. In college I excelled. I loved learning about the reasons people behave the way they do. I loved learning about how I came to be me. The world was so interesting and exciting, and my future was bright. But life has a way of interceding when you least expect it.


My son began to exhibit strange behaviors. People kept telling me about someone they knew that knew someone with autism, and it took me a while to accept the fact that he had autism. I realized that he was going to need all the attention I could give him and began to prepare myself for the long road ahead.


It was at that time that my husband became addicted to methamphetamines. I realized if I didn’t leave him, he would drag the children and me down with him. I became a single parent, with no help, financial or otherwise, from my ex-husband.


I did get my AA degree, but I had to get a job so that I could support my children and take care of my son. Continuing my education went to the back burner, where it has simmered since. It is remarkable to think about how, in the thirteen years that have followed, my eyes have been opened in ways I could never have predicted.


I have worked in the local school district since 1994, teaching children with profound disabilities. I have been able to get through to people who can’t talk when others had failed. I have helped long ignored kids show the world that they have great abilities, and incredible drive. What I did for them, however, pails considerably compared to what they taught me about unconditional acceptance, courage, and perseverance.


I have also been privileged to mentor at risk teens that come into our extended resource classrooms as partners. I have learned that I have so much to offer to people who have been seriously underestimated. I know what it is like to be in that place, and I know how to help young people find their own worth.


I learned a lot about applied behavior analysis and psycho-social rehabilitation while seeking treatment for my son. I was trained to use behavior modification to deal with my son, and found it to be very useful in my job as well. My son is expected to be able to live a full, productive, independent life. There is no cure for autism, so he will always have to struggle to survive, but he has the skills to make it.


My children have both graduated from high school. My daughter is taking classes at the same college I started at. My son just got a job at McDonalds and is so excited about working for his own money. At work, I have found myself stagnating, and I know I could do so much more if I went back to college to get my bachelor’s degree. Now, after all these years, I have the opportunity to do just that.


It won’t be easy, but I know how to live on almost nothing. I also know that I can succeed in a college setting. I know that I can attain this degree because I love to learn and grow. Should a time come when I feel overwhelmed, I will think back on the face of the child who walked across the stage at her own high school graduation. She had the courage and perseverance to show everyone who said she couldn’t that they were wrong, and in my own way, that’s exactly what I am doing.


With a bachelor’s degree in psychology, I will have the ability to work with people who have disabilities that affect their ability to function socially. I want to work with troubled teens. With a bachelors degree, I can help them to work through some of the behaviors that have caused them problems time and again. With a bachelor’s degree, I will be closer to fulfilling my own destiny.


I don’t intend to stop with a bachelor’s degree. In order to really show everyone (especially me) that I am so much more than a future old maid, I intend to get a PhD in psychology. I would be the first person in my family to attain a PhD of any kind! It’s been a dream of mine for some time now. It’s the kind of dream I hope to pass on to many other young people. The only way to get there is to go back to school and get that degree. I have the courage to do it, and I know I have the perseverance to get the job done.

Cold Showers Suck

So - I've made a little headway on the novel. Now, instead of being 5000 words behind, I am only 4500 words behind. I'm not really sure it's happening the exact way I thought it would. I'm also not sure there is any credibility or believability to the situation that is taking shape. But, oh well. I certainly had no intention of writing anything romantic at all when I started this, but it seems to be happening none-the-less. And the home helper person wasn't supposed to be likeable, but she is. Go figure.

I couldn't fix my water heater. My dad has generously purchased a new water heater and is coming over tomorrow and we will install it. I won't have to pay him back until I get persi money in January. That sure was good fortune for me. My dad, not the busted water heater. I do have to say, however, the thing did last for about 15 years. Around here, that's pretty good.

Tonight I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour. No more majhong tiles until midnight. Gotta get some sleep. Shouldn't be hard, though, I'm nearly asleep now.

Another Saturday Night...

And I'm home alone with my computer.

13,340. That is the latest word count on my novel. It is progressing quite nicely, but if I were to actually follow the outline I made for the story, I would have a good 200,000 word novel when I was done. I have a feeling it won't come to that, but I'm sure it will go past the 50,000 words that have to be written by the end of the month.

I have some fairly decent character development happening. A little twist happened today that I really didn't expect. You know, I've read interviews with authors who said that happened, and that no matter how much they struggled to stay in control of the story, the characters always won out in the end. I thought they were full of it, mostly because I had never done it before. Stories really do just happen. It's amazing.

I am definitely going to have to do some research on Catholicism. I really don't know enough about this religion to be writing anything at all about it. It just occurred to me that it might not matter. But you never know. One should go about these things with the right intent, so that it doesn't come back to bite you on the butt.

I got my son back last Sunday (big reason why I'm so far behind on the word count). He will be staying with me, like it or not. Turns out I have plenty of great reasons to keep him here. His dad is living in a house he was evicted from months ago. The utilities have all been shut off, and they are heating the house with a propane heater. It is shear stupidity. There is no reason why he should be living that way, but he is. My son will not be.

When I drove to Boise to get him, I had a long chat with his grandmother. She had decided it was time to get Zach so entwined in the welfare system that he would never be free. No way. He is capable of more, and I intend to make sure he gets there. I'm really glad he's back.

I got all registered with classes at ISU. So I'm legit and official. I am really looking forward to my new direction. I am also really having a hard time letting go of what is about to be my past.

Oh, what a mess. The ladies in the other room are confused about what their role is in the lives of the children we serve. We have students in our program who depend on us to take care of their personal needs. Unfortunately, the people who were hired to take care of those needs believe that it needs to happen on a schedule that is convenient for the staff, and not what is appropriate for the student. That's right. Child abuse. Neglect that cannot continue.

The new girl started Monday, and that freed me up to actually take care of those needs myself. I didn't do it quietly, either. I have ruffled more feathers than I even knew existed. And I intend to ruffle them until I am convinced that when I leave, those needs will continue to be met. Do I smell the smoke of a burning bridge? Maybe they'll fire me. Ha ha.

Ok, I guess I'm wasting all this typing time on this post. (NOT) Tomorrow I have to fix my water heater. I'm hoping it's the thermostat so I don't have to empty the water out of it. If it's the element, I'll definitely have to empty it. I'm a great procrastinator, though. Of course, cold showers suck, so I will not procrastinate it for long. I also have laundry to do. Ughh. I think I'd rather write.

Well by for now.

Marathons

Holy Cow! Writing a novel is hard work. My thumbs are so tired, I can barely get them to push the silly space bar at the right time. And though I am 500 words shy of my goal, I have typed over 6000 words this month on my novel. I have read chapters of the bible, not for inspiration, but for research. I have looked up dead bolt diagrams, and researched schizophrenia.

Writing is such a funny thing. I can only write for about an hour at a time, then I have to switch gears for a while before I can continue. I guess my max for writing in a day is about 4 hours. Maybe I'll get better. The story seems to be going pretty well. It's kind of fun weaving a tale, giving just enough to keep a reader reading, but not so much as to give away the whole thing. We'll see how I feel about the whole thing at Thanksgiving. I'm glad it's just a story. I would hate to be the heroin in this story, or her sister. This is freaky stuff, schizophrenia.

Zach tried to call last night, but didn't get through. I have been trying to call him, but I think his phone battery died. He should be coming home this weekend. They better let him call me from their phone soon, or heads are going to roll; oh yes, shit will hit that cosmic fan. And I will stand to one side.

Monday should be fun. The new girl starts. She doesn't know that she has to be me. She can't be, of course, but she'll want to give it her best shot. 48 days 'till quit day comes. Yes, I am counting them, no, it doesn't help, usually. But I do it anyway.

I am so tired right now. I am going to sign off. I just wanted to sign on for a minute and log in what has been up. Nanowrimo. That's whats up. clrcl is writing 10,000 words this month. The writing marathon. Surely I will be able to continue with training for the running marathon next year too. Then figure out some equivelent of a marathon for climbing. Oh, yeah, then there will be the finals marathon.

I didn't get to say that when I went to see the advisor at the college, she was impressed I guess. As I was leaving she was trying to get me all fired up for a women's prison study that will focus on sexual abuse. And I'm going to go for the BS (Bachelor of Science, and Bullshit!) :) and not the BA. She said there would be more research, which I really like the sound of. I love research. I'm wierd. and tired.

Goodnight.

Ripples

What do I miss most? Sleep! Real, deep, dead sleep. The kind where you go to bed at 9:30 pm and don’t wake up until 9:30 am. I used to be able to sleep like that. Now I feel blessed on a weekend when I might sleep 9 whole hours. This week I would be thrilled with just a few. This is how it usually begins, the depression. But this time I am really going to work on it.

I will only have school 3 days a week when I get there. So that leave 4 to sleep right? I intend to make good use of it. And who knows, maybe I can fit in a quaint little part-time job. Or not.

My ex is trying to mess with my little world. He thinks Zach aught to move to Boise and work with him. I don’t really know where Zach will end up on this, as I am not much of clairvoyant (darn it!). So I guess I will just flow with it for now and deal with it when/if the time comes. Exes suck. How dare he make waves in my little pond.

So I kinda like this writing thing. I wish I had more time for it. This one is a narrative. I suppose if I really wanted to, I could go back into the narrative and add dialog and more details. But, I think 746 words is enough for a blog entry. Besides, it was just for fun. I do need to work on dialog and descriptive writing, so I will definitely try to make that happen soon.

It Goes That Way

It goes that way sometimes. Just when you think you’ve got the world by the tail and your last problem licked, life swoops in and kicks you right smack in the nose. You hold your face for those first several moments, trying to push back the pain, then you probe your nose for signs of blood and breakage. Once the worst of the throbbing subsides, you open your eyes and search for the source of the blow. If you’re very lucky, it was just a freak accident. But if you Susan, you’d better duck.

It started at lunch. It all seemed so innocent and harmless, and once she had cleaned her burrito topped with mounds of lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream, guacamole and salsa up off the floor, she optimistically moved on with her day. Her pants and shoes were delightfully spiced, but that would not dampen her mood.

She should have ducked.

She didn’t, though. She got into her car and began her drive back to work. She navigated through traffic with grace and poise, anticipating and adapting with ease. For two whole miles she negotiated lane changes and turns, never missing a beat. The guy in the truck behind her wasn’t blessed with her grace. He smashed into the rear of her cute little car, demolishing it in an instant.

She visited the nearest emergency room for a few tests and x-rays. They fitted her with the most obnoxious looking neck brace she had ever seen. She filled out forms, answered multitudes of tedious and redundant questions, and promised to hand over her first born child should the bill turn delinquent. They kept her there for two hours. She wasn’t about to let this get her down, however. She called a cab to take her to work.

She didn’t even flinch.

When she got there she was just 1 hour and 45 minutes late. Which apparently was more than enough time to fill her position with another person. She would have packed her stuff, but someone had already done it for her and placed it quite firmly in her bruised arms.

She was too shocked to even say anything. Instead, she decided to go home. She longed to be wrapped in he fiancé’s safe warm arms. She had spent her last dollar on the cab ride to work, but that didn‘t faze her. She didn’t mind riding the bus.

She didn’t even see it coming.

She crammed herself amongst the other riders, lugging her box with all her treasures. Most of the others didn’t even look at her, making her wonder if she were invisible. The guy with the mustache and fine perfume reassured her that she was most visible. He stared at her, but she refused to be intimidated. She stared back. The contest was on. Neither of them so much as blinked for what seemed an eternity. Her opponent cracked a smile, revealing grey shards of what once was surely a pleasant smile.

Finally, Susan looked away. Not because she was defeated by her challenger, but because someone behind her vomited over her shoulder, down her chest, and into her box of treasures. It didn’t resemble the vomit scene in the Exorcist at all. Oh, no, this made that scene look like a pleasant stroll through a rose garden. It was becoming quite difficult to keep up her spirits, but she was determined. She exited the bus at her stop.

She walked right into it.

Well, she was actually limping when she finally reached to door of her 12th floor apartment. She juggled the smelly soggy box and her purse, and finally got the key into the lock. She turned it, opened the door and nearly fell into the apartment. She set her box down and sat in her favorite chair. Of course, it collapsed.

She was about to give in and start crying when she heard her fiancé in the bedroom. She desperately needed nurturing from the most giving and caring man she had ever known. Not to mention handsome! Hair as black as coal, eyes as blue as the sky, a mouth that begged to be kissed, abs you could do laundry on, a butt so tight… yes, lets just say he was hot. So was the girl he was romping with in Susan’s bed!

She chased out the little floozy, and threw out the jack ass. She threw a vase at him as he went out the door.

He ducked.

Here we go!

Mr. V. came to our classroom and oogled over the Twisted Bear logo I created. He looked at me - I guess to put an exclamation on that point. He looked at Mrs. W. and asked her "she is going back to school isn't she?" My heart skipped a beat. I told him I hadn't said anything to her about it yet! I looked at him to plead his silence.

The she said "She needs to!" She continued the conversation with him as though she really felt I was wasting my life where I was. So, once he left, and she and I were alone, I told her. That means I can write it here now.

I am going back to school. I have applied and have been accepted, will receive enough financial assistance, and will begin classes in January. So, that's it. I am quitting my job of 13 years on December 20 to embark on this journey. I am so excited!

Mostly. Sometimes I get a huge attack of anxiety when I think of the gravity of what I am about to do. There are no guarantees that I will achieve the desired outcome, even if I get my BS (which I will!). That anxiety always turns and runs when I remind it that the only guarantee I have right now is that I will never fully be me if I don't at least try.

Now, I must successfully navigate through these next several weeks. I'm not good and biding my time when I finally see the course of action. Even if it means NOT getting to go on a cruise around Hawaii. But this is no cruise, and I must stay this course in order to get to where I need to be. God give me strength!

I realized something else today. I can't fix my washing machine. CRAP!

Another thing I learned today is that I can make brownies from scratch better, in not much more time, and without dirtying any more dishes, than if I had made them from a box. Now, that can be a good thing, unless you know me. If you knew me, you would say "what about that 'after' picture?"

Something I learned in October that I wish I hadn't, is that you can't really trust anyone. A co-worker of mine cheered me on while I was making this decision to move on. She kept telling me that if I left, she would quit too. I never thought she needed to quit, but it was the whole I've really got your back thing. Now it appears that she may have had something else in mind. I work an 8 hour day, she works a 7 hour day. If I quit, she will get the 8 hours, so that would mean more money. If it is true that she was thinking that, the joke will be on her. There is no more money for working the 8 hours because uncle sam gets it all. Oh, well.

I've decided that if I'm ever going to write a novel, I need to practice. So today I will post one of those practices. I wonder about copyrights. If I put these here am I saying, "go ahead! It's yours for the taking!"? Wow, do I really think I might actually write something someone would want to steal? Well, I guess I'm hoping I will.

Saying Goodbye

The golden rays of morning rushed through the bedroom curtains illuminating the room and kissing her cheek. The warmth of that kiss sent waves of gratitude to her heart. Slowly stirring, she in drew a deep breath of the sweet springtime air, and a smile crept across her face. Her eyes opened to greet such a wonderful day. She rolled onto her back and looked toward the door, still hazy from sleep, and listened for the sounds of breakfast.

Suddenly the warmth of life left her body as though she’d been caught in the great cold vacuum of space. A heavy frozen emptiness occupied her chest. She gasped for air and tears exploded from her eyes. No breakfast would come today.

She pulled her legs up to her chest and grabbed her toes, squeezing them and twisting them in anguish. Today she would say goodbye. She would say goodbye to laughter, she would say goodbye to hope. Never again would she feel joy or love. Never again would the sounds of breakfast wake her from her sleep.

The thought of having to face all of those people today began to creep into her consciousness. How could she bear to look at any of them, let alone speak to them and accept their condolences? A vision of that perfect angelic face, forever asleep inside that cold shiny box flooded her vision. “Wake up!“ she had pleaded. “Please don’t leave me. Don’t you know my life means nothing without you?“

She had prayed that this was just a wicked nightmare that she would wake from. But, in her heart, she knew she would have to accept this truth. Yes, today she would say goodbye. Oh, why did this dreadful day have to begin?

Mediocrity

What is one of the things about your job that frustrates you the most? That is a question an interviewer might ask when you are going after that better job. The thing that frustrates me the most in my job is mediocrity. Working for that paycheck, or that pension, or those hours, or the power, and never for what’s right.

Every day I go to work in an environment that is riddled with mediocrity. Teachers who are there because they love the hours, summers off, and tenure. The coworkers I fear most are the ones who love the power their position gives them. Very few are there to teach the next generation what they need to know to succeed in life. Our children are graduating from high school knowing how to pass tests and little else.

Teachers in Special Ed. are no better than the rest. I would argue that some may even be worse. It is much too easy to abuse a child with profound mental disabilities because they CAN’T tell. It is so easy to write meaningless contracts that do nothing more than serve the interest of the school that is supposed to serve. Parents are easily badgered into compliance with the will of the school. The students never reach their full potential. How can they when classrooms are inflated by returning seniors just for the sake of numbers, forsaking a quality education?

I see the same complacency when I look to the community for services. A psych-social rehabilitation specialist needs only have a bachelors degree in a human services field. Here, people are encouraged to complete the Human Resource Training and Development program so that they can get 32 credits for 5 years work experience in order to become PSRs. What does corporate training have to do with helping a person control their behavior in order to fit into society? By the looks of the people who have done it, not much. It is the blind leading the blind.

We live in a society that is so driven by money that we have lost our ability to see what really matters in life. People go to work and go through the motions day in and day out. They go just to pick up a paycheck. How sad they are, the ones who cannot see their own hearts, the ones who do not know their own authenticity. They are so lost, and in being lost, they cannot do more than mediocre work in their lives.

Am I being too harsh? Ask someone with autism who has come up against people who get paid to help them, but fall horribly short. Ask the college student who is drowning because he doesn’t have the skills necessary to think through a problem. Ask the professionals who actually are doing the job for intrinsic motivators. Any one who has gone the extra mile to do a great job knows how frustrating it is to have to fight against the mediocracy of the people they have had to work against.

I stand high above the croud on my giant soap box and shout out to the world "I hate your mediocrity!"

Uncle Hank

What I remember most is his love for Halloween. I was actually a little afraid of him when he came to the door. He didn’t dress up, but he was the crankiest old man on the block. “Why are you knocking on my door?” he would scream. Aunt Lois was always on his heals to invite us in and offer us enough treats to fill our bags. They gave us popcorn balls, candy corn, chocolate assortments that far exceeded our hopes and a welcome so warm we always knew we were loved.

When I grew up and had kids of my own, Uncle Hank and Aunt Lois were always our favorite place to stop. He still demanded to know what we wanted, knocking at his door at such a late hour, but as an adult, I was able to understand that he was having more fun than anyone else. Even as an adult, I had a hard time not feeling as though all of their efforts were just for me, to make me feel wanted. I wonder how many people out there felt the same way?

Halloween will never be the same again. Uncle Hank died Tuesday, and was laid to rest Friday. He received a 21 gun solute from the Veterans Association. He had joined the navy when he was 16 (he got some woman to falsify his paperwork) and because of something he experienced serving the navy, he spent the last 34 years of his life disabled with brain tumors and such. Aunt Lois was by his side, taking care of him the entire time.

No one really knows how the death of her husband will effect her. At his funeral, she actually looked relieved and strong. I hope that’s how she carries on. I hope she has some idea as to how she will fill the time now.

She looked at me and asked in amazement “isn’t it wonderful that we have so many friends?” Of course there were a lot of people there who loved her. Aunt Lois didn’t have a nasty bone in her body. Everyone who knew her loved her. Of course she has a lot of friends. She would have a lot of friends. She will not find herself alone now.
Uncle Hank and Aunt Lois were two of the people that helped me survive my childhood. I never felt judged, just loved. I think Aunt Lois is the embodiment of unconditional love and acceptance. They also had a major impact on my autistic son. He always had a place to go to feel ok. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel genuinely welcomed.

Uncle Hank is gone now, and I think the best way to honor him, is to find a way to pay forward all of the love I got each and every time I visited. And to take care of Aunt Lois and make sure she has anything she needs to be happy, anything I can do will be done.

Happy 1st Birthday Dear Universe!

Has it really been a whole year? Has it only been one year? It’s true, my blog is one year old today. It has seen me through some hard spiritual growth, and has charted the paths I have taken. I’m glad I chose to chart this past year, and I plan to write even more of the next year.



My goal for last year was to explore my spirituality. I was exploring some of the new age spiritual ideals in an effort to feel less alone. I still feel alone, but I guess everyone does to some extent. I didn’t find any answers in that particular exploration, and I am glad I stepped off that path.

I don’t know how I know it, but I do know I have purpose and that truth surrounds us. I know that I am being guided in the directions I need to travel. I may step off the main path from time to time, but I always learn a little more about myself when I do. Nothing has been wasted, nothing is an accident. I will never stop exploring my spirituality, I just don’t think I need to question it the way I did last summer.

This next year will find me living my own life for the first time. I had started this journey 15 years ago, and stopped 12 years ago to take care of my children. They no longer depend on me the way they once did, so now I will continue with my education.

Oh how sweet the thought of completing my education! I have an AA in psychology, and, at one time, had considered the possibility of becoming a special education teacher, but have recently decided against it. Instead, I will continue with the psychology. My first goal is to get my bachelors and do some psycho-social rehab work. In just two years, I will double my hourly wage, and will still have the option to work toward my masters, then doctorate in psychology.

There are so many different options to choose from with this degree. I can continue to work with the profoundly disable people I currently work with, I can work with autistic children, I can work with mildly disabled people and people who have personality disorders. But something has been kicking around in my head for a while. I think it would be so much fun and so fulfilling to work with troubled teens. I love the outdoors, and adventure sports. I have an extensive knowledge about what it is like to be a troubled teen. I know what child abuse feels like and how it manifests itself into maladaptive behaviors. I have some experience with alcohol and drug addiction. I would love to find a place where I could put all together to help kids find their own worth.

Well, of course that won’t happen in this next year, but I will be taking classes that will help me toward that end. I plan to attend ISU, and have done enough research to know that they have an awesome outdoor program. Couple that with the psychology classes (how do I choose which ones I won’t take?) and the option of getting IBI certified and I’ll have it made. So many doors will open up for me.

Going back to school is going to be an absolute blast! I am so excited about this. Do you know how slowly the seconds tick by when you finally decide what you want to do, but did it a few months too late, or too early? If I had made this decision during the summer, I would already be doing this exciting learning! Now I must wait for the right time. I’m not much into waiting, but I can do this time. It’s kind of like being in prison, waiting out the last few months of your sentence. At least it’s not a life sentence!

Ok, what else for this year. Yes, I will train for the City of Trees marathon. I can’t actually compete in it by the second birthday of my blog, because it takes place in November. But I will train for it with the intent to compete, and compete well. That’s right, my goal is 3½ hours.

Oh, and since I will be taking rock climbing classes, I am setting a goal to be able to at least top rope 5.12s consistently. With really cool moves. Which means I will have to have an awesome strength to weight ratio. But I’ll be running, and biking, and climbing. So of course, I’ll be awesome.

I’ll have to do before and after pictures. Wouldn’t that be cool? So I guess another goal I have for this year is to lose some fat and gain some muscle, arms, legs, abs, butt and brain muscles.

Sounds like a good year already.

Another goal is to write twice as much in this blog it’s second year as I wrote in it’s first year. Which would be 200 posts. Not a real hard goal to meet.

I also plan to do more with my art. Of course, that just means I will do something at all with my art. I will finish the four paintings I have already started. I will start and finish three more paintings that I have promised to do for other people. I guess I better take some art classes at ISU while I’m at it. Did I just hear another door open?

I absolutely REFUSE to make housekeeping a goal. I fully expect that my house will be at least as dirty a year from now (if not more so) than it is right now. (you don’t really want to know, so there will be no before and after pictures of that.)

I absolutely REFUSE to find a significant other. I will not even try until my new wings are fitted and tested. Once I am the person I know I can be, I will then have the ability to attract the right guy for me. I’ll be just fine until then.

In the spring I will get my novel off the ground. I’ll get a laptop for school, then I will have no excuses. It should be fun. It will be enlightening. It will be toll free. (hey that’s what the caller ID says right now, ok?)

Oh, and I will get over this over-achieving cold in record time, because I am actually going to use a few days of my 2 months of sick leave! I haven’t actually done that in the 12+ years at the school district. It’s taken a while, but I do learn eventually. Sick leave is there to use when you are sick. No, you don’t have to be in the hospital to be considered sick.

So, I’m off to take my nite-time cold and flue medicine, and I will pass out for 12 straight hours and wake up well. Hopefully feeling well.

Isn’t life great?

Update

So I've been putting off the self matters critical choices work because I'm in the middle of making a critical choice! That's right, and it's a biggie! And when it finally came to me, I knew it was right! I have felt so good since I realized where my path is to head, I haven't felt this good in such a long time! I don't know who actually reads this blog, so I am going to wait for the next three months to pass before publishing my decision. I will explain why then too.

Some of my choices I can talk about. I've decided to get back into my great running shape again! It's been a little painful at times, but it will definitely be worth it! I am starting to remember what it felt like to be strong and unstoppable.

And the good news doesn't stop there! I might actually have some new climbing partners! That's right! I actually got to go climbing this weekend, and I had so much fun! I really did miss climbing, and the people I climbed with were actually kind and courteous. Well, for now anyway - Dale was nice in the beginning too.

So my arms are sore, and my ankles are angry, but my heart is joyful. The emptiness has been filled and hope has found me again. Finding my purpose, what could be better?

100th Post!

Wow! I can't believe I have actually made 100 posts already. It has almost been a year, and I have spent the day reading my 100 posts and changing the look of my blog. A bit of a theme emerged in my reading. There must be 5-6 posts where I give a great deal of lip service to actually getting out there and living my life! I still haven't got to that place yet.

I posted a blog where I complained my job was no longer fulfilling me and that I was cruely pushing this anger onto and innocent. It turns out, she is not the innocent. In fact, not only is she not an innocent, she is actually quite abusive, not just to me but to many. Just another insight I gained from my break-up with Dale.

I have managed to cast off minutia this year, and while that has left more time to live, I have yet to decide how that should be done. I wrote about what not to do during this time, yet I almost got myself stuck in a relationship that would have imprisoned me anyway. So I started the work in the Self Matters book that has been laying around for a while. I hope to have the courage soon to get out there and live my life.

I have posted my art, an addition I am really excited about. It's all starting to get archived now, though, so I am posting it here so It wont get lost. My Eye is one that shows up on my profile, but I dedided to include it here anyway. It is one of my most favorite of my drawings. I posted my two oil paintings; Summer Eagles, and Oil Grapes. I have several charcoals I liked; My Alien?, Bouquet, The Wolf, Charcoal Shells, My Hand, and Pumpkin. I even have some pastels to share; Fallen Vessel, and Pastel Shells. Then I took some pictures this summer that I am fond of; Sunrise at Castle Rock, Pine Buds, Pretty Evergreen, The Ent, Pretty Flowers, Pretty Purple Pine Buds on Cache Peak, and Cache Peak.

I usually think that a lot of my journaling posts are generally dull, but there are some posts that are more prose. My favorites are: Hide-and-Seek, a composition about finding meaning in myself; January, the coldest and most difficult month of the year for me; Depression, a familiar place for me; and, Grief, the ache of breaking up with "the one".

Not everything in my blog is that depressing. I do have some fun! Cosmic Fan was a post I wrote when I was very happy. I had so much fun writing it, and I think that comes through to the reader. I was suprised to see I only had five soap box pieces Autism: Does treatment change the individual? Knotts Berry Funk Politically Correct Synchronicity The Bachelor. Usually I am more opinionated than that, at least that's what I'm told! My history is out there for everyone to see now. Self matters writing exposes me nearly completely! And there's more to come with that too! Oh yipee, I can hardly wait!

It has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. This blog's one year anniversary is comming up, so I will be writing a list of goals and guidelines that I do intend to heed during the next year. I suppose in the end, it's all good.

All Dried Up

So, this is all that's left in the fall. Upstream, the irrigators have taken "their" share of the water. While it's true that the Magic Valley wouldn't be what it is today without the canal system, it sure puts a sad face on one of the most beautiful places in the world.

It looks a lot like I feel.

The water that flows is but a reminder of what was.

The water that falls is a hope of what might come.

The water no longer wets and softens what is hard.

It is hot and dry now. The sun's visits get shorter each day, and each day the sun travels farther south.

Soon, the snows will fall and freeze the water to the rock. But while there is yet enough sun to move, the water, what there is left, will flow freely. The water that was stolen has nourished yet another year's worth of crops, and soon the dirt that supported them will rest.

These waters have claimed three young lives this summer, leaving so many to mourn. Yet, many more were thrilled by their immense power. Some day I will leave this place, and I will miss these waters. Will they miss me?